I took a beach hike this morning, all by myself. Usually Aaron wants to tag along, but he slept in, and I took off. Judging the distance, I think I walked about 3 miles. I took along The Bible, sitting down periodically to read some Scripture. I've been working my way through David's Psalms. There is incredible hope in those words. Katie's not had a great day. She's missing Gracie a lot today. That's also been affecting me. In September, it will be two years. Sometimes, it seems like twenty years; others, it seems like two minutes.

I did catch a smile on my sister-in-law's face today. We were happy to see one of them again.

Just some of what is coming from this "vacation" are the stories my nieces and nephews are hearing about their dad when we were younger. Every night since we arrived here, I've shared some of the craziness that was Samuel Ryan Tyler. Tonight, I told them about the tree house accident, which might not have been an accident at all.

I was about eight, making Sam about 12 or 13. We had this treehouse in our backyard, an elaborate one. No rope ladder, just steps nailed to the tree. It had a couple windows, a chalkboard on one wall, and a balcony. My father kept finding ways of improving the house, which is still standing. I was a gullible kid, and my brothers took advantage of that often. One day, Sam and Danny convinced me that it was easier to fly out of the treehouse than climb down. They told me they both did it all the time, with their very own sets of invisible wings. Being gullible, and wanting to impress my older brothers, I told them I had invisible wings too. They didn't believe me, so I tried to prove it to them. I'm sure you know the outcome on this one. I came out of the situation with a broken arm and a few stitches. My brothers came out of it with some pretty sore bottoms.

My niece pulled me to the side yesterday and wanted to talk to me. She said, "I know you're my uncle, but until I see Dad again, can you kind of be like my Dad down here now?"

I'll never see Gracie at age ten, and I grew up with brothers, so the only personal experience I have with girls that age are stories or watching another niece pass that stage of life. However, I have to think that ten is such a critical age for young girls. I hugged her and told her I'd do my best to support her the way I know her father supported/and would support her. I'm still trying to wrap my finger around this path that God's sent our family down.

My niece came up with this beach "project," sending love up to her Daddy. Her brother told her that hearts with arrows is something you'd write if you were in love with someone. She looked at him and said, "no, it means my heart's broken." Too much power coming from a 10-year-old. We've all sort of followed suit.

Nags Head

Kate and I are taking Aaron, our nieces and nephews, and my sister-in-law to Nags Head for a break from here. I was one of the last ones to know this apparantly, having been told the news last night over dinner. We're leaving after lunch, and we'll be back in town next Saturday. Perhaps fresh ocean air will help us all. I couldn't convince my mother to go with us. She misses her Sammy, and I unfortunately understand that pain. My prayer every night is that Grace found Sam in Heaven by now. She loved her uncle so much.

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:17

I went chasing after my nephew last night. He drove off, wouldn't answer my calls, didn't tell anyone where he was going. Eventually, he did call me. I drove there, around midnight. We found a restaurant that served wonderful coffee at that crazy hour, and we talked until 2:00. Following him home, I thought about how Sam surely must be watching this event take place, because I really felt him in that booth.

Kate and Aaron are doing all right. Aaron had a home run the other day, nearly over the fence. He's been sleeping in our bed off and on for the past couple of weeks. I think he wants to make sure God doesn't take Kate or me too, I don't know.

And yet it moves on..

The day after Gracie died, September 8th, 2007..people went shopping, to work, on with their lives while mine was sitting there shattered

The day after Sam, May 31st, 2009..the same thing..

Life keeps moving forward. Time keeps ticking away. It's been almost two weeks now. It's very strange. I hope he's found Gracie. I hope she was there to greet her 'Uncle Silly' when he was welcomed Home. The human side of my pain is angry that he gets to see Gracie, and I don't. I haven't been sleeping well. Dan and his family left yesterday morning. He and I will be there for the kids, who are confused and so broken. My sister-in-law is a mess. I don't know the next step. God does, and I hope He's listening. I can't handle him taking Home the people I love. I can't do that anymore.

Sam

I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd say goodbye to a brother. Death's part of life, and I've seen it sweep away four of my children, three of my grandparents, and some of my friends through life, but surely it wouldn't separate the Tyler boys. It's been a very strange week, a very surreal week. I have a lot of unanswered questions again. I don't know how a seemingly healthy 45-year-old man who jogged nearly every morning had a severe heart attack. I don't know why He gives some people all those years and others just four, or none at all. I just want to run up there to Heaven and ask God what He's truly trying to accomplish right now. Why did He take Gracie? Why did He take Sam? Why are there horrible and foul characters walking on this Earth, and He takes a father of four, or He takes my baby? I don't know why. I don't know what He's trying to accomplish through any of this. I have hope. I have faith. I haven't lost it, but I am really confused. There are a ton of unanswered questions, and I haven't been here in awhile, and I'm sorry. I haven't felt like it. I'm broken. I'm confused. I'm angry. I haven't felt like being here.

Thank you

On behalf of my family, thank you. God bless, and I'm praying for you all as much as you're praying for all of us.