Marriage in Heaven

Kate's been sort of like a fragile leaf the past few days. She kept me up (though I admit I didn't mind) until 3:00 this morning talking about how she's been feeling. Right now, God's distant. He's there, but He's not "talking that much". Sometimes, Heaven feels really close for her. Lately, it's felt far away. Through the cloudiness that comes with being up at 3:00 in the morning, I did manage to pick up on her major points. One of them was when she rolled over, turned on the light (blinding the two of us for a couple seconds), and said that she wished we could be married in Heaven. She kind of teared up, and I sort of just let her. The Bible says that we will neither marry or be given away to marriage in Heaven. I remember a sermon about that topic given a few years ago. That also depressed Kate a bit. I tried to say something meaningful, like we'll be married to the King then, but I could see that it was actually bothering her. The relationships we'll have in Heaven are mentioned in the Bible, but there really is no way of knowing until we get there ourselves. I believe I'll know Kate in Heaven. I also believe we'll know that we were married on this Earth. I don't know how our relationship toward each other will be, however. Will we be closer to each other than we will be to others? That subject led us into talking about Gracie, which made both of us cry. It was the "Tears in Heaven" questioning after that. Just a lot of interest surrounding our future Home at a time in the morning that no human could possibly give 100% effot to, but it was still a good conversation. My prayer the last few nights has been that Kate will feel Him close again. She knows He's there. She's just trying to find Him right now. She smiles in front of Aaron and cries in front of me. She's Homesick right now.

It's hard to not get excited about a Fender...

Bold for Christ

Normally, Aaron goes into the children's ministry during our service, but he's been wanting to stay in to be with us the past couple of weeks. We've let him, and he seems to really enjoy listening to all the music (sits in on many of our praise team practices, so he knows the songs before we sing them on Sunday), and he likes to hear the sermons. In the month of September, we've been in a series about being "bold for Christ". This morning, while we were praying, Aaron whispered something in my ear. He said, "Dad, I want to be bold. Cause God doesn't just want 10%. He wants all of me. I wanna be bold for Christ." The 10% line was a reference to a comment our pastor had just made, about how God doesn't want just 10% of our lives. He wants all of it. The congregation finished praying, and it was time for the praise team to head back to the stage. I took Aaron up on stage with me, and he sat on the piano bench next to me while I played "Softly and Tenderly". I kept sneaking peeks at him, and his eyes were closed the entire time, swaying his head to the music. It was the perfect Sunday morning.

The Calming Feeling of Chaos

I know that God has a sense of humor because He allowed Kate and I to find each other. We are opposite in so many ways, yet it works. I spent 40 minutes tonight watching my wife perfect this little dry-erase board calendar that I rarely ever look at, let alone write on, and I was mesmerized at how precise everything was on it. Aaron's school events in red marker. Our school "events" in blue. Appointments in orange. Praise team practices in brown. Aaron's flag football games in green. She enjoys structure. I don't mind the chaos. Just one more little opposite.. But what I really love most is watching her create this masterpiece of planning. It's not just writing. There's a science to her work. Why I had to be present for it is beyond me, however.

Too Many Thoughts

Aaron and I went to the Wake Forest football game tonight. Wake won, and the two of us came home with smiles. Although I am, and will forever be, a Tarheel at heart; I still cheered. Aaron fell asleep on the way home, and I was left to think to myself. I thought about all the ways I wanted God to use me, and then I thought about how many of those ways were really God's desire. I want to spend more time doing overseas missions. Kate and I have talked about this; possibly giving up our summers to head to Africa, Eastern Europe, Asia, South America, wherever we think God will lead us. Then, there's the question of whether God is calling me into that or it's just something I want to do. We're in the process of adoption, a long process, but one that will hopefully lead to us bringing home a child from China. Our lives are going to change tremendously when that step occurs. And what about Aaron in all this, I ask myself. Spending summers across the oceans; is it right, would it be fair? Unfortunately, there's always the financial aspect of it all. That was one area running through my mind this evening.

Secondly, there's the music ministry. Some people love the old music. Some people love the "young" music. Some don't care. Many don't agree. It's such a balancing act on Sunday mornings anymore, and it takes away so much from just standing in His presence and praising Him; not the music. That was another area running through my mind.

Then, there's the whole process of wondering when things will speed up with our adoption. Will I be an old man by then? Will China change their rules again? Will Aaron be a teenager? All those questions running like a merry-go-round up there in my brain.

I told Kate it's not a mid-life crisis. Believe me, she asked. I just feel like there is something that God wants me to do, and I'm missing it. It's like He's telling me to move in this direction, but I'm too blind to see what direction it is, and I'm wandering around in the same spot. I'm 40 years old. I have a strong faith, a great family, a good job, but I feel like there's something else that I should be doing as well. God's just really calling me, and I can't quite figure out what He's saying yet.

New template?

I allowed my niece and nephew to play around with formats on this web-site after they said I was "generic". I apologize if this is the fourth or fifth template used today. I haven't been here to monitor it.

Things I Wish I Knew How to Do

Kate, Aaron, and I met Mom for dinner this evening. Along with her came a note she found in one of my old books from childhood. It had apparantly been used as a bookmark, and years later, it's now become a piece of humor for me.

Things I Wish I Knew How to Do
J.B. Tyler, age 10
July 14, 1979

1. Fly
2. Juggle
3. Jump over buildings like Superman
4. Never get hurt
5. Lie to my parents and not get caught
6. Hit a homerun everytime
7. Get even with my brothers and not get in trouble
8. Tame a wild horse
9. Live on my own
10. Talk to girls

Ah, I needed the laughter that came with reading this list. I think I still need help with Number 10.

Katie's struggles

All right, Monday was bad for Katie. Tuesday got a little worse. Wednesday and yesterday were sleepless nights. Today, she called in sick. She's not sick; she's Homesick. She's really missing Grace. A husband can fix a lot of things, but only the Father can fix everything. It's hard watching her cry though and know that no matter how tight I hold her, I can't squeeze out the brokenness. I've just really been praying for God to move right now.

So many memories of where I was standing when I heard the horrible news eight years ago today. One of my students lost an uncle in the World Trade Center. So many questions to ask God when I get there. Regardless of whether He answers me or not, I'm prepared to ask them anyways.

I was thinking about this, as I often do, and I still come down to His Truth. Nothing makes sense if you look at it any other way. Two years ago today, my family and I were experiencing the saddest day of our lives. At the same time, our daughter Gracie was experiencing the best day of hers. She got to meet Jesus. That's a pretty good day, even in the midst of brokenness.