As I was driving home today, some random thoughts just popped into my head. One of the main things I thought about was the whole concept of time, death, and eternity. I know I'll see my Gracie again, but I just thought about the whole, "if I live to 80, then I won't see my girl again for another 40 years." If I live longer, obviously the absence is longer. Although I know I'll spend eternity with her, man, 40 years on this planet without her is a depressing thought. It was a sad thought, but it also left me feeling hopeful to know that 40 years is nothing compared to eternity. But, it's still 40 years (possibly). I'm at 13 months, and it's too overwhelming to think of all those future years without her.
I also thought about the entire adoption process again, which has consumed me the last few days. We want a girl. Then, part of me feels guilt for being able to make that decision. Another part of me feels concerned that we want a girl because of Gracie. I'm excited, but I'm also hesitant to get my hopes rolled into what I don't know will 100% happen. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I trust God. I can't make these decisions on my own without the constant struggle of "am I making the right one?", so I trust Him to showcase His plan in my life. I'm not worried about my future, because He could come back tomorrow with no argument from me, but I'm just curious. It's like a kid wanting to tiptoe downstairs to see Santa Claus putting the presents under the tree.
I think I need a shorter commute...
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2 comments:
Nah, if you had a shorter commute all of these thoughts and feelings would just simmer and hit you that much harder in the middle of the night...
God is so good, and when we get to the place where we have just blind faith that He will give us what we need, what a blessed relief to let go of the stress of trying to figure it all out by ourselves! But for me, who likes to try and make sure things go right on my own (my husband's nice way of saying I like to control things) it can be an uphill climb.
Enjoy your commute JB, and keep walking the walk. You write like you have already mastered giving it to God, and God must have great things in store for you and your family!
Ann from Chicagoland
I consider myself a very deep thinker and not much of a talker. I live across the road from a cemetary with paved driveways which makes for a great walk every chance I get....by myself....thinking about all the souls buried there and what kind of life they lived....and what they saw in their time period. I find myself questioning God and what the purpose is to all these generations that have been here before and the ones yet to come. At what point is he going to say this will be the last generation I'm making? Were all these generations of people doing nothing more than preparing us for his coming? Is that all we are here for.....to prepare the next generation for that big day? If so, you should feel very rewarded because you are certainly preparing your children, your students and those you don't even know you are touching, by your Godly example.
Nope, we don't know how many days we have....or how many more generations are between us and the day he is coming back to get us, but rest assured that he is preparing those who will be here to witness it.
I've come to love walking around the cemetary. It's beginning to be filled with many of my own family and neighbors that have been a big part of my life. And God gives me many wonderful sunsets as I'm walking....just to let me know that he's still in control now, just as he has been in all generations.
Heaven is getting sweeter day by day.....being filled with those we love and those we've never met before. I hope I'm making some kind of difference for someone down the road.....
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