Aaron and I went to the Wake Forest football game tonight. Wake won, and the two of us came home with smiles. Although I am, and will forever be, a Tarheel at heart; I still cheered. Aaron fell asleep on the way home, and I was left to think to myself. I thought about all the ways I wanted God to use me, and then I thought about how many of those ways were really God's desire. I want to spend more time doing overseas missions. Kate and I have talked about this; possibly giving up our summers to head to Africa, Eastern Europe, Asia, South America, wherever we think God will lead us. Then, there's the question of whether God is calling me into that or it's just something I want to do. We're in the process of adoption, a long process, but one that will hopefully lead to us bringing home a child from China. Our lives are going to change tremendously when that step occurs. And what about Aaron in all this, I ask myself. Spending summers across the oceans; is it right, would it be fair? Unfortunately, there's always the financial aspect of it all. That was one area running through my mind this evening.
Secondly, there's the music ministry. Some people love the old music. Some people love the "young" music. Some don't care. Many don't agree. It's such a balancing act on Sunday mornings anymore, and it takes away so much from just standing in His presence and praising Him; not the music. That was another area running through my mind.
Then, there's the whole process of wondering when things will speed up with our adoption. Will I be an old man by then? Will China change their rules again? Will Aaron be a teenager? All those questions running like a merry-go-round up there in my brain.
I told Kate it's not a mid-life crisis. Believe me, she asked. I just feel like there is something that God wants me to do, and I'm missing it. It's like He's telling me to move in this direction, but I'm too blind to see what direction it is, and I'm wandering around in the same spot. I'm 40 years old. I have a strong faith, a great family, a good job, but I feel like there's something else that I should be doing as well. God's just really calling me, and I can't quite figure out what He's saying yet.
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2 comments:
Just keep listening and it will eventually become clear. I understand. I (also 40) have described it as a discontentedness--wanting more of Him, His plan. I am still listening, too. Praying for you as you search His heart.
Yep, I'm sure he's wanting more of you somewhere. Guy's who have faith like you are few and far between. If I were God and could place you where I wanted you...it would be mentoring young men. We need more men like you. We are starting to look into a program for the youth in our church that separates the girls from the boys. The girls learn girl things and the boys learn boy things. I'm so excited about this prospect because I see a real need for this in today's world. I could see you leading something like this and making an impact on young lives. You are already doing it with Aaron, I would think it would be a natural for you. Just some thoughts.....
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