Gods' Crayons

God is the best painter, isn't He? All of this Creation just bursts out with his Holy Name. He gave us a beautiful sunrise this morning, and "Mr. Camera" (my wife calls me) had to keepsake it.

I heard a "?"

I was atop a ladder retrieving a tennis ball that had been thrown on the roof by the powerful right hand of my son. I began to climb down, when I lost footing and stepped on the ground sideways with my right foot. I don't exactly know the spelling of the sound I heard, but it wasn't a good noise. I fell to the ground and looked at my foot. It was already beginning to swell and turn color. I sat there for a moment on the ground before deciding on my next move. I decided to try to call for Kate. After a couple really loud shouts, she opened the front door and came looking for me. Her face drained as soon as she looked at me. Aaron came outside. His eyes opened wide, and he began to ask 100 questions in 20 seconds. With Kate's help, I was able to stand up; grabbing the railings on the front porch. I called the school to find a substitute, and I did what was probably the most idiotic thing I could have done. I convinced Kate that I could drive myself to the hospital. There was no immediate need for Kate to be delayed from school or for Aaron to miss the morning or day, so I pleaded with her to just let me drive myself. Well, I did; left-footed on the pedals. Now, with a horrible, throbbing pain to keep you company, you sort of become a difficult driver on the road. Winding country roads that are full of scenery this time of year just become your worst enemies. Looking back, I should have had someone drive me.

Long morning later, I have this wonderful cast leading up to my knee now. I'll have it for 4-6 weeks. The last time I was on crutches was college, so it's a bit of an adjustment again. However, I won the "cool story" award from some of Aaron's friends yesterday afternoon, so I suppose my injury has some worth in it.

My Beautiful Bride

All right, today has been a sad day for all of us, but I thought I'd try to at least find something to smile about today in the middle of that sadness. Well, I found it. My wife and I are celebrating 15 years on October 23rd, so you think she would have adjusted to my "mannerisms" by now. When it comes to driving, I am calm behind the wheel. My wife is...well, not. When it comes to time, I am punctual. My wife is....well, not. Yet, I am completely in love with this woman who drives 70 mph because she's running 10 minutes late.

Since Aaron is staying overnight at a friend's house tonight, Kate and I decided to have a nice relaxing dinner. On our way to the restaurant, a car pulled in front of us; forcing us to brake. You would have thought my beautiful bride just turned into Godzilla. What I always enjoy is watching her when something like that occurs. Instead of the normal profane language you might hear someone say in such a situation, Kate doesn't do that. She just sits there and starts tapping her foot, no words, just a steady tap on the floorboard. All of a sudden, if I do not take action against the "offense", it becomes my "fault."

"Aren't you going to pass him? He's going slow. We're going to miss dinner."

"Honey, the restaurant won't move. We'll be fine."

"When we get to a passing zone...."

"Honey, he's going the speed limit."

"Who goes the speed limit?" (with a slight smile)

"I'm not in a hurry."

"I am. We're late."

"How are we late when we don't have reservations? We'll get there when we get there." (a phrase my parents always used when we were kids)

"Well, we'll get there faster if we pass him."

All right, so the truck eventually parted ways with us, and I wasn't forced to pass him. After we finished dinner, I handed Kate the keys. "You can drive." She looked at me. "No, that's ok, you can drive," was her response. I love my wife.

Saying Goodbye

Kate and I attended the memorial for young Chaz this afternoon. I was able to read Matthew 11:25-30 and Psalm 34:18 with a steady voice, but I broke up completely when viewing young Chaz. I had visited the hospital on only about three occasions since his birth; two months premature. Seeing him this afternoon, without the overwhelming tubes covering his body, he looked so tiny. At the request of Deanna, Kate sang "Held" by Natalie Grant; changing the opening line to "two weeks is too little..." Amazingly, and because of God's love and power, she sang the entire song. After it was over, she was a mess, but she stood up there and sang such a beautiful song about hope and what it truly means to feel "held" by our Father.

Throughout the service, I kept bringing back up all these sad images in my head of Grace's funeral. Though much a blur, I do remember Charlie and Deanna coming to pray with Kate and me. Today, I stood with those same two people and prayed for God to grant them strength. I just can't shake that tiny coffin from my mind right now.

Just keep praying for Charlie, Deanna, and their family! Thank you.

The Comments That Make It Worth the Work...

Today while grading some test papers before heading for home, Clay (one of my former students) came walking into my classroom. He's now a senior and beginning to prepare for life out of high school. As we exchanged greetings, he sat down on one of the front tables and asked for my opinion on the subject of man's free will desiring to challenge God's path for our lives. I asked him why he chose to ask for my opinion, and he told me that of all the teachers he has had in his high school years, I was the only one who he thought generally kept an invested interest in his role as a Christian. Although I know that the entire staff is made up of amazing men and women for God, I will honestly say that it was nice to hear Clay say that. I "made him want to study his belief and faith more. It's not just believing, it's knowing WHY you believe it." I don't know how the hundreds of students I've taught over the years have felt about me while in my classroom and long after they left it, but I am proud that I have at least sparked the lightbulb for young Clay. That's why I stand up there every day for seven hours and speak to brick walls more often than not. One day, hopefully, those brick walls will crack and open up to wonderful seas of curiosity.


To stray completely from the above topic, I talked with Charlie and Deanna this evening, and they are so low, but they have so much faith in Jesus Christ. Pray for them, and pray especially for their empty arms tonight. Chaz's memorial will be Saturday. I am going to (hopefully) read a couple Scripture verses. I don't know how I'm going to find the strength to attend. Seeing Grace's small casket, I couldn't bear seeing one smaller. Just pray for Charlie, Deanna, and their family during this difficult time. Thank you.

I think we're going to do it!

Kate and I are going to write a letter to Shaohannah's Hope, an organization that helps couples with adoption. It was started with God's love and the desire of Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife, Mary Beth. I think this is where God is leading us right now. We don't have any clue where to start, so if any of you have information, I would be glad to read it.

If you also feel compelled to pray over my little private "procedure" ;) on the 10th, thank you in advance. It's the least I can do as a loving husband; even if it will hurt a little.

Today was "National See You at the Pole" day, and we were all out there this morning. It's just another way to say, "God is in control of everything down here."

I also want to ask for your prayers for a good friend of mine. He was my son's basketball coach last year. His 2-week-old son went to be with Jesus early this morning. I know this pain will be very tough, but I'm comforted in knowing that he is a Christian and knows exactly where his son is right now. I also firmly believe that little Chaz and my Gracie have already met. Gracie loved little babies, and I have no doubt that she is up there right now holding Chaz so very tight.

???

I titled this "???" because I can't really think of a good title. I woke up around 2:00 this morning from a dream. I couldn't get back to sleep after that for about an hour, so I laid awake and just thought of some things. A year ago at this time, I was still numb from Gracie's Homecoming. It's kind of hitting me again (thousandth time) that there will never come a day on this side of Heaven that I will see Gracie again. Compound that with the sadness for others who have been though the same losses, and I'm just in a "ditch" today. I blubbered my way through a couple songs today at church. I have so many thoughts running through my head that I just need a place to write them down. Early on in our counseling last year, Dr. Ronn told Kate and me that there will be days when you are smiling, laughing, and altogether wonderful. Then, there will be other days when you just don't feel that way, and that will probably go on that way for the rest of your lives. Today's the latter, and tomorrow might be the former. I don't know. It's just still strange to really think about.. It's been over a year, and it's still hard to imagine the future without Grace Ann. Here's this beautiful little girl, bubbling over with excitement in a photograph. She was so alive in all of those pictures, and now, all that's gone. Yet, God is good. He has a plan, and although I may question, I know He loves me.

Thankfully, there are projects around the house that are keeping me busy right now during the weekends, but the downtime is hard.

"Oh, look at that one! Wow, look at him!"

Yesterday, I helped chaperone Aaron's second grade class on a field trip to the North Carolina Zoo in Asheboro. It meant two hours of total time in a school bus with 24 excited and loud kids, but it also meant that I was able to spend a school day with Aaron. If you've never been to the NC Zoo, and you live a reasonable distance away, I suggest going. The kids had a wonderful time. The four boys I had in my group all walked through with wide eyes; it was great to watch their expressions. They have an area there called Kid Zone. I told Kate that maybe sometime next month (during their Halloween days), the three of us will go.

This was Aaron's favorite part

Amazing Love

Listening to "Amazing Love" on the radio on my way to work this morning, I just let the words soak into my soul. Alone in my car is one place I know I won't bother anyone with my poor singing, so I take advantage of the time there. It's strange this side of "one year" than the other; just because we can now sit there and say, "we were going through this last year at this time, and Grace wasn't here with us". Before the year mark, we weren't happy with what was happening, but at least our daughter was still alive. Today was Aaron's turn to shift into a "mood." He woke up not wanting to go to school today; which is rare for him. I have the ability to take time off to act as a chaperone with his class tomorrow on a field trip, so I hope this will bring some cheer.

Anyways, while listening to the radio this morning, I just began to praise and thank God again for all the wonderful parts of life He's given to me. I began to even praise him for the storms. Those stroms have molded me just as much, if not more, than all the happy moments I've had in 39 years. Before I walk into school, it's become a routine with me every day to lay a hand on one of the outside walls and say a prayer for the students and teachers who enter the building. It's something I first started doing for just my classroom several years ago, and it's just expanded I suppose. Today, I kept thinking of Philippians 3:12 which says, "not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." I am so excited that I have been a sheep in His flock for 32 years now. I also know that there are millions who have not made that decision, including a very close loved one of mine, and it breaks my heart to see His children turn away from Him. I pray for specific areas every night. I pray for my family. I pray for Christian values which are often lacking in leadership today. But, I also lift up those people who I know will spend an eternity separated from the One True God if something doesn't happen. They are living their lives completely on their own terms, and it hurts me to see that. I can't imagine how heartbroken the Father must feel every time one of His children says, "no thanks." I don't really know what all I'm trying to convey in this writing, I just really needed to write down some loose comments that I had floating inside my head today.

Pictures are Worthy, but Memories are Priceless