Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Tired, Homesick, Confused
Today was a tiring day for me personally. I walked over to Kate's classroom during my lunch, and I just closed the door behind me. Thankfully no children were present at the time, so I was able to just talk with my wonderful bride for a few minutes. It's coming up on a year now since Gracie went Home, and I'm starting to really feel the absence intensify lately. I want to just scream, "enough already, just give her back!" However, the part of my being that knows she is free from pain, from cancer, from having to endure the horrible chemo treatments; that part of me praises God for releasing her from all that. But, it's just the absence. I hate that absence. I've talked to parents who have laid their children in Gods' arms years ago, and they've said the absence is still there for them. In the song "Homesick" by Mercy Me (which I am actually playing in church this Sunday-the first anniversary of Gracie's Homecoming), it says, "how long must I wait to be with you?" I know I'm down here for a purpose that only God can truly see, but I am so Homesick and tired right now. Then, I look at another's life, and I think to myself, "as bad as it was to lose Gracie, I could have it like this..." and it makes me praise God even more that He is a God who loves us enough to allow us to be angry and confused; as long we do not doubt His plan. I wish I could stand here almost a year out from Jesus taking Gracie and say that I understand His plan, but I don't. I don't understand why He took my daughter. I don't know why He has taken millions of other babies around the world and will do so in the future. I don't know why Moms and Dads are out there right now kissing their children good-bye on this Earth. In a perfect world, I suppose, everyone would grow old. I just know I believe in His direction for my life, as blind as I may be to it, and I pray that when He greets me in Heaven, Gracie will be right by His side waiting for me.
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6 comments:
J.B. ~ praying for you and Kate and Aaron today and in the days ahead. No words...just sitting with you and praying. Much love to you and your family.
Almost ten years ago, my cousin lost her beautiful baby girl to SIDS. She had six wondrous months with her angel, and one day on her way home from school she got a call that there was a problem with Maggie. And just like that, Maggie was gone.
I remember the text from her pastor's eulogy as if it were yesterday, and have thought of it a lot since the Chapmans lost Maria, and since you have shared about your tremendous loss of your Gracie. Her pastor was trying to explain how such devastating loss could be dealt to children of God, and he had two thoughts on that subject. First, he reminded us that there are two forces at work here on earth, One that loves us and wants only the best for us, and one that is evil and wants to pull us away from God and to him. Very likely, it was not of God's doing that Maggie (or Maria, or Gracie, or my baby) were taken from earth as children, but the work of Satan. Secondly, maybe God in His infinite wisdom knew of some greater harm that would come to this precious child later in life, something that might even tear them not only from their parents, but from Him, and rather than risk those little souls' lives in Heaven, He allowed their death on earth without His interference.
In interviews this summer, Steven Curtis Chapman has made reference to his anger against the Evil One. My own personal belief is that, while God does not inflict pain on His children, He absolutely will turn the evil of the world to good, and that eventually we will all be together with Him in heaven. But homesickness is so hard...
Forgive me for taking up so much space here. You and yours are in my constant prayers especially this week.
Ann from Chicagoland
JB, You have been on my heart these past few days. I have been busy starting my school year and haven't been online, but that doesn't mean that my prayers have stopped. We are praying you through the next few days especially as well as the coming weeks & months.
Oh my...on Sept. 12th it will be 20 years since I had to place my baby Grace into the arms of Jesus. The loss doesn't pain me so much anymore but it is still there. When Grace was here on earth and sick I had women in their 60's coming up to me who had lost their child 30 years before and there was still a sadness.
I will NEVER understand why this happens when other people who don't love their children can keep them.
I have seen heaven so differently these last 20 years and am anxious more and more everyday to see Grace there.
This is a hard weekend for you. Know that we are praying.
J.B., just wanted to let you know that you and your family have been on my mind and in my prayers today. Know that we are praying for each of you throughout this very hard weekend.
Love to you all...
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