I've been keeping this little thing inside for 18 months. Tonight, I shared it with complete strangers, something I don't even want to discuss with my wife. That's interesting, knowing my own self and knowing that that's not like me. I have been putting smiles on this week. I'm just in a strange mood for some reason. I've been reading His Word, praying deeply, I'm not in a depressing mood, just a mood like something needs to happen because I feel like it will. I can't explain it. Anyways, enough about the description of the mood.
I am a goofy guy. I'm a funny guy, at least I think I am. I was looking at a home video earlier this week of Aaron and Grace running through the sprinkler in the front of my mother's house a few years ago. Aaron ran through the water. Gracie, being about one and unsure of the water itself, sort of just stood to the side and waved her arms when the water hit her body. All of a sudden, I bounced into the picture, grabbed Gracie, and ran through the spraying water. I did a dance on the other side to the enjoyment of my wife, who was apparantly behind the camera. Other videos I've seen, I was the same way. I then went to look at some videos since Gracie went Home, and I'm different. I can tell I'm different. If I'm goofy, it looks painful. It looks like I'm putting on fake smiles to please the crowd.
I have no idea where the "goofy" dad went. I want him back. I think Aaron needs him back. I said this elsewhere, but it feels like the sun is shining because I have so much hope for Heaven and what's to come when I get there. However, it also feels like there's this dark cloud hanging over my head, and even though the sun's in the sky, it's being blocked sometimes by the cloud. I look at those videos of the four of us, and I don't recognize that man. He's not the same man I've become in the last year-and-a-half. It's the biggest struggle I've been dealing with privately. I want to be the goofy, funny, crazy dad again. I want to find him. I just can't seem to do that. After talking with family members, apparantly not a lot of them even know I had a "blog," so I suppose I'm writing this to You, God. You're my audience on this one. I just want to be goofy Daddy again. Please?
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2 comments:
Father, I ask you to answer the prayer of Your child. Only You can bring back the laughter, because You are the only source of true joy. Please give him moments of unrestrained joy and fun, not because he has forgotten the pain, but because You are bigger than the pain.
JB, my husband lost his health (and thus his job, his self concept, etc.) from 1997-2007. My sons never knew a healthy daddy until 2 yrs ago. In 2007 he experienced some complications to his condition which could have been fatal, but at the end of the 2 months of "fear" God chose to restore much of the health he had lost. Although he will never be the same as he was during our early years of marriage, I can finally say "he's back." Life will never be the same for you as it was before losing Gracie, but I commit to joining you in prayer for a restoration of the daily expression of joy.
J.B.,
I decided today today to go through and look at the blogs of those who have commented on mine. The reason I did it today and not before is because I didn't even know how to do it or that I could do it by just clicking on the name. I write a blog but don't really know much more about blogging than how to post. (Have blogged for three years now and figured out last week how to post a picture and a video in the body of it.) Anyhow, it was a real treat for me to read your blog today because I have been praying for you since you first visited my blog and asked for pray about your broken heart over losing your precious Gracie. What a neat thing for me to finally see a picture of her. She's is precious. If God made her this cute here, I can only imagine how perfectly adorable she will be on the other side of the veil! J.B., now my prayers for you include your returned to that "goofy" dad that your son and your wife also need to return! I will also be praying for your trip to Botswana - perhaps it will be there that God will begin to restore this missing and very important piece. J.B., I really have appreciated the encouragement and empathy you have show to me through the blog I author. I, too, want to say that I am terribly sorry for the pain in your heart! May our heavenly father bless and Restore you perfectly J.B., Tender Mercies and protective and empowering grace, Kerry Hasenbalg
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