The entire August of 2007 was a letting go process for Kate and me. For over two years, our little girl fought with such a passion to live every day she was given here. It was a year ago today, August 14, 2007; that Grace's cancer took a grave turn. Actually, we nearly lost her on August 17th. From this date until she went Home on September 7th, we didn't know if she'd still be there in the mornings. We had grandparents staying with Aaron a majority of the time; as our time was spent at the hospital. At the time, we were really zoning in on Gracie. Looking back, it took a tremendous toll on Aaron too. I am so thankful that God put amazing parents and in-laws in our lives so that Aaron had so much love all around him. I was told to keep a daily journal around late-July, and I did just that. I wrote in it every day. I wrote to God, to Katie, to Aaron, to Gracie, to myself. Looking at it this morning underneath the date (8/14/07) I only wrote three words and an exclamation mark. "She's still here!"
I've actually been painting a smile on my face the past couple of days. I've done it here, and I've done it for Kate and Aaron. For those who might see this who also visit Mr. Houser's "blog," I've done it there too. Truthfully, I'm taking August hard this year; harder than I am trying to let on to people. Just pray for me. Pray for us. This "one year" span of time is difficult. Gracie is so much alive in my heart, and it's just time that separates us. In the September 7, 2007 entry, I wrote to God. I prayed for Him to keep Gracie in His comfort until the day comes when I will be able to hold her again. I know He's doing that, and I can't wait for that day to arrive. She's being held by a greater Father than I could have ever been to her down here. I just miss the opportunity to try. God bless, and I know there are millions who I will also pray for while you walk through your own grief.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
JB~
Thank you for being real with us. I know the reality of painting on a smile--sometimes it feels like if you do it long enough, you can make even yourself believe that you're happy. When the pain is deep, though, it only serves to assure others so that they do not realize how much you need them and thus leads to further lonely suffering.
At times, this feels safer--well meaning people spouting platitudes have no idea the pain they inadvertently inflict. Or we don't want to increase the pain of family members dealing with their own grief.
This is a hard time of year for you and probably always will be, although the pain will be different in different years. Do not apologize for that. The journal you kept will serve as a reminder of the pain, but also of God's provision.
God is big enough to handle our honesty. He knows that you know that Gracie is comforted and loved but that you humanly "miss the opportunity to try." Keep pouring out your heart to Him from your wilderness. Elijah did it. David did it. And God used them.
Know that we will continue to support you in prayer.
Praying for you, Brother. Wish I could just hug you and hold you...and sit with you.
Just praying, friend. I wish I had words to say that would help, just know that there are many of us praying for you and your family, and we can read how much you miss your Gracie. May God give you comfort.
Ann from Chicagoland
Post a Comment