Faithfully Following

I am new to "blog world," so bear with me. However, I really can't keep quiet about some areas of life, and this is one of them. So, introducing "Faithfully Following." If you happen to stumble across this place, welcome. If you never read this, my Savior will still be glorified in these words.

I am writing these words down out of pure pain this morning. I am also writing them out of pure hope. My wife and I have been blessed to be parents five times. I believe life begins at conception; "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb" as Psalm 139: 13 beautifully states. When we first became pregnant, no let me back this story up a few years, then I will get back to this.

I have been "faithfully following" one true God since my 7th birthday; November 30, 1975. My grandfather was a minister for 34 years; which has spanned most of the time I grew up. I didn't understand all of what my grandfather preached, but I do know he preached the truth. I loved him dearly, and I loved the Jesus he was preaching about even more. Somewhere between the cake, ice cream, and presents; I fell into my grandfather's lap and confessed that I wanted to follow Jesus for the rest of my life. We smiled. I'm sure Christ did too.

Growing up, life wasn't always easy for my brothers and me. My parents separated when I was 17, and I spent a couple years reeling from that loss of love between the two of them. They reconciled for six months, then eventually parted on peaceful terms. Yet, I still believed. I believed that God was in control; even in the middle of the pain of seeing two people I loved and cared for deeply hurt so terribly. He was still on the Throne.

Now, years later, I look at that time in my life as a personal test. I believe I passed. Sorry, Satan.

Upon graduation of college, I went to work at my grandfather's church. I was still trying to figure out where God truly wanted me to be, so I thought the best place I could have been at the time was home. God was right. It was the best place to be for those two months I spent at my grandfather's church in the summer of 1991. Soon after I returned home, my grandfather died of a heart attack. They said it was sudden, but I knew it wasn't. I knew that it was all in God's plan for my grandfather's life. Long before he took his first breath, God knew his days. He wanted me to spend that time with him.

The second reason, and one of the biggest happiness points in my life, was meeting Katherine Field. She was and still is a beautiful woman; inside and out. We married in 1993 along the Outer Banks. If you've never been there, I suggest taking a trip. It's a beautiful part of the Earth God chose for us.

In the summer of 1995, Kate and I found out we would finally be parents! As one of six children, Kate was prepared for its duty. As a brother of two, I wasn't. As soon as we heard the news, I began to pray for God to make me a good daddy. Five weeks after finding out the blessed news, we found out the hard reality of life. Our baby was gone. We were numb for a long while. We were numb to each other, but God was in control. He brought us closer together through our pain. He brought us closer to Him.

In the Spring of 1996, we found out again we were pregnant. Glory to God; He wanted us to be parents again! I was nervous and very scared. Kate was too, but we didn't let what happened the previous summer sway our faith in God's grace for our lives. Five weeks came and went, and we still had baby. We were a little more relaxed. Seven weeks came, and baby was gone. We couldn't believe it. Our dreams had not only been crushed, they were obliterated beyond what we thought was possible. Kate was ready to quit. I was ready to quit. God wasn't.

We did wait for a few years. In that time, we connected with our nephews and nieces. We thought we would be Aunt Kat and Uncle Jay-Jay for awhile. However, in the fall of 2000, we once again were asked to carry and love a precious child. This time, we waited to share the news. We waited, five weeks came and went We waited, seven weeks came and went. We waited, the first trimester came and went. Could this be it? We waited for something to happen. It did. Aaron James was born on April 25, 2001. A healthy baby boy; he came to this world with two guardian angels on his shoulders. He's never ceased to amaze Kate or me. I am his #1 fan; no wait, I think that title belongs to God.

We knew we wanted more children, but that thought of our losses was always in the back of our minds. We forged ahead anyways, and we had Grace Ann in 2003. Our baby girl, our beautiful little girl. There's something about daddies and daughters. I didn't know what it was; until she arrived. Flashing forward to 2005, Kate and I started noticing some changes in Grace. She wasn't eating. She was constantly tired. She would bruise easily. We thought she might have had anemia. We took her to a children's hospital. We later learned the earth shattering news. Cancer? Our daughter? Our 2-year-old child barely beginning her walk in life? The news devastated us. It shook our belief. Why would God allow a 2-year-old child to have such a painful diagnosis? Why would He let this happen?

I was shaken out of my depression by a fellow you all might know. I think you have heard his name. Rev. Billy Graham was speaking on TBN one afternoon shortly after we learned the news of Grace's potential future. He was preaching on, what else, grief, loss, and the love of Jesus Christ in our lives. I froze. I gave it all back to Him that day. In the next two years, I would need Jesus and Kate to get through that pain; my two rocks.

In July of 2007, we knew that Grace was going to be leaving us for Home. Twice last summer, we thought it was going to be it. Officially in August, we ran out of all options but prayer. So, we prayed with an overwhelming passion. I prayed for Grace's healing; one of which I knew wouldn't come in this life. But, I also prayed for her safe journey into Jesus' arms of love, and to the Heaven He has promised us all. She did make that journey; on September 7, 2007. She was surrounded by family, friends, hospital staff, her stuffed animals, and God. She was also surrounded by her piggy bank; including all 300+ pennies that she had collected in the two years since her diagnosis. To share the reason why pennies were important; have you ever heard that song, "pennies, pennies from Heaven..." Well, there you go. I still find pennies too lying on the ground. When I do, I pick them up. I place them in a piggy bank. I don't know why, but I just feel like I should.

Now on to today, and the real reason I am just so compelled to begin this "blog." We were blessed in early July with another pregnancy. Here we go again, we thought. Not even God would make us hurt for four lost babies, so we were positive this was going to be a full-term and healthy baby. This morning, I was shaken awake by my wife. She was crying. I just knew what had happened. We made a middle of the early morning telephone call to find Aaron a baby-sitter, and we left for the hospital. Baby #5; gone. In the middle of this grief journey I'm on, I have come to one realization. I can embrace my life, or I can run from it. I choose to embrace it. I choose to faithfully follow Jesus' plan and will for my life and that of my family's. I don't know how He makes His decisions, but I trust them. I trust Him. While my beautiful bride lies sleeping in her pain and heartache, I look to the future. I look to our future. I think we're done trying. I know I'm done trying. God can open that up again, but I know I won't seek it. I am anxious for what He holds in store for us. I am positive that it will further His Kingdom. I am a faithful follower.

God bless you for reading this. I pray for those faithful followers out there, and I also pray for those who haven't made that choice.