All right, to clarify, this might be something I look at tomorrow morning and say, "did that make any sense", but I need to at least say it now. I fell asleep about an hour ago, and I woke about 10 minutes ago. It's 12:11 a.m. as I type this, and the house is quiet except this little desk lamp keeping the room a dull haze of light. Here's the thing that may make me say "make sense?" in the morning....
We lost three children in the womb. We lost Gracie last September. We're done trying now. We have Aaron, our beautiful and healthy son. Yet, I don't feel like our family of three is all that God chose for us. I've really been asking and praying to God for guidance in that area. Katie and I had talked about adoption prior to even having Aaron; after our first two miscarriages. But, we stopped talking about it after Aaron and Gracie were born. I think we're ready to start the discussion again. If you're praying, please just begin to pray for this (if you don't mind). If it's not what He has chosen for us, then we will follow His will. However, I woke up a few minutes ago with a strong, very strong, urge to write this down. I don't know if it was God's voice on my heart, my own desires, or just the fact that it's extremely late (or early?). Just begin to pray, again if you don't mind, for something to stir in this area. Thank you. If I didn't make sense, I'm sorry. I might have to go back and read this later in clear thought.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Prayers for New Orleans and all those who will be affected
Shortly after Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, a group of church members and I drove down to Louisiana in hopes of being able to assist the people there in any way possible. With the "ok" of the school, and my family, I spent 10 days in New Orleans cleaning up debris and doing our best to stop at least some of the tears, even if for only a couple of minutes. I am a firm believer in the "if you can help, help" approach. This year, I won't be able to go down and help clean-up after Hurricane Gustav if New Orleans suffers the hit, but I will pray for them. I urge all of you to pray. There are still people living in small FEMA trailors that are in the path of this strong hurricane. Please keep all of them in your thoughts and prayers as they prepare for yet another hurricane.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
"Jam Session"
All right, I had a "jam session" with God last night after Aaron and Katie both fell to sleep. I sat on my sofa with guitar in hand, and I just started singing and playing to the Lord. I am not a great singer (not even an average one), and I'm sure if Kate or Aaron heard me, they would have covered their ears (actually, I hope they would have joined in). This was just one of many "jam sessions" I have with God, but last night I sang some songs to Him that I hadn't even been able to listen to without falling apart since He led Gracie Home. If you've never had a "jam session" with God, I urge you to try it. He's a great audience. You don't have to be a good singer. Like I said, I'm not even an average singer. You don't have to bring a guitar or a piano along with you. Just come into His presence and worship His glory. I might have another one tonight.
In all honesty, I turned off the lights halfway through our "session." It was me, alone in the darkness, with a guitar, and Him. I know He was listening. I know He was there. Aaron once said, "daddy, Jesus makes the hair on my arms stand up!" It's true. Mine did last night. There's something about praising His name in a room full of people, but there is something about praising Him sitting alone in the dark too. I even wrote a song last night; something that I have done here and there, none really for a public audience. God let the words fall into my mind.
Of course, this was before I had turned the lights off.
In all honesty, I turned off the lights halfway through our "session." It was me, alone in the darkness, with a guitar, and Him. I know He was listening. I know He was there. Aaron once said, "daddy, Jesus makes the hair on my arms stand up!" It's true. Mine did last night. There's something about praising His name in a room full of people, but there is something about praising Him sitting alone in the dark too. I even wrote a song last night; something that I have done here and there, none really for a public audience. God let the words fall into my mind.
Of course, this was before I had turned the lights off.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
#1
After showering this morning, I went back into the bedroom to find this number on a yellow sticky note resting on my pillow. Katie was downstairs, and I knew exactly what the #1 meant. Our grief counselor after Gracie died last September told us to try out a rating system for our grief. He said number it from 1-10; with 1 being severely critical; need attention now! Well, August hasn't been really good for me so far this year. However, these last couple of days have really been wearing on Katie. She's a very strong woman, but she's not that strong. A couple of you who read this know this because I've talked with you on the telephone recently, but Katie's having a lot of old memories creep up again. I just please ask you to keep her in prayer. The power of God is shown greatest when we're on our knees professing His glorious name. I will do my best as a husband to keep my wife's number ABOVE the #1 she gave me this morning. As soon as I found the note, I went downstairs to find her.If you're wondering, I'm about a 5 right now. Actually, the rating system has caught on with my family; not just with the two of us. Mom telephones me a couple times a week just to find out my number. I know that Dan's family uses it now. I wish I didn't have an original reason to use it, but it's been a good judge of where we're at as a family. Again, just please pray if you don't mind, and I will continue to lift up His great and powerful name!
Monday, August 25, 2008
Day of Firsts
Today was a day of several firsts for our family. It was Aaron's first day of second grade. It was Katie's first day back teaching Kindergarten. It was also the first day that Gracie would have started Kindergarten.
I got up very early (around 5:30-which if you know me, I consider that late), and I read my daily Scripture verses. I spent about 30 solid minutes in the Word, sitting in Gracie's bedroom. For some who have lost children, I know they might find their children's bedrooms to be difficult to enter. I find comfort and a feeling of really being close to Gracie in there. Thus, I usually will spend a few minutes in there a few times a week. For those who don't know, yes, Gracie still has a bedroom. I don't think we're "there" yet, and I'm not going to rush into anything. God will show us when or if it's time to change her room. We're just not ready right now.
When Katie woke up around 6:00, I fixed her some breakfast. It's been a morning routine since 1993; one I enjoy. Kate will tell you it's because I don't like her cooking (which is untrue), but I look at it like a gesture of love. Aaron woke up around 6:15, and the real adventure began. Luckily for us, he wears a uniform. Unfortunately, he never seems to have a pair of shoes together in the same place. That was a nice treasure hunt this morning. Between getting him prepared for school and dealing with the morning emotions, I was already tired again.
This morning was a very difficult morning for Kate. If you're praying, please keep her in prayer. She's finding this a harder adjustment than she thought it would be at the time. Working with children who are the same age as Gracie is emotional. She should be in the Kindergarten next door. She's not, and that's tearing the two of us up right now. We have faith and belief, however, that her Teacher now is better than anyone would ever have been on this Earth. I actually went down to her room this afternoon, and she was sitting there alone, crying. So just please, keep her in prayer.
Aaron had a good day. He loves his teacher. He's in the same class with his best friend, Micah. I pray that he will continue to have good days. I also pray that Katie will hold on tight to Jesus' promise (which I know she will), and I pray that God will give me the strength to hold her up when she falls.
My classes today were normal. Most of the students didn't want to be there. I gave them my "first day speech," and half of them just sat in their seats giving me blank looks. It's typically how my students react the first few days. However, I know that someone in that Class of 2011 will be a doctor one day. Someone will be a lawyer. Someone might even be President. They might not look like they are paying attention to me, but I am paying attention to them. I am just happy to be a cog in the wheel of their lives. It's something that, as an educator, makes me proud.
So, if you're praying, just keep praying! I know that God is doing wonders with Katie. She has a sad mama's heart. It doesn't just go away a year later. It's always there. This entire month, and the next couple of weeks, has been and will be so difficult. I am just so thankful to God that He is the King in our lives. I don't have to worry. I don't have to be scared of what will be down the road. I know that He's the Ruler and Creator of all that has been and will be for our family.
I got up very early (around 5:30-which if you know me, I consider that late), and I read my daily Scripture verses. I spent about 30 solid minutes in the Word, sitting in Gracie's bedroom. For some who have lost children, I know they might find their children's bedrooms to be difficult to enter. I find comfort and a feeling of really being close to Gracie in there. Thus, I usually will spend a few minutes in there a few times a week. For those who don't know, yes, Gracie still has a bedroom. I don't think we're "there" yet, and I'm not going to rush into anything. God will show us when or if it's time to change her room. We're just not ready right now.
When Katie woke up around 6:00, I fixed her some breakfast. It's been a morning routine since 1993; one I enjoy. Kate will tell you it's because I don't like her cooking (which is untrue), but I look at it like a gesture of love. Aaron woke up around 6:15, and the real adventure began. Luckily for us, he wears a uniform. Unfortunately, he never seems to have a pair of shoes together in the same place. That was a nice treasure hunt this morning. Between getting him prepared for school and dealing with the morning emotions, I was already tired again.
This morning was a very difficult morning for Kate. If you're praying, please keep her in prayer. She's finding this a harder adjustment than she thought it would be at the time. Working with children who are the same age as Gracie is emotional. She should be in the Kindergarten next door. She's not, and that's tearing the two of us up right now. We have faith and belief, however, that her Teacher now is better than anyone would ever have been on this Earth. I actually went down to her room this afternoon, and she was sitting there alone, crying. So just please, keep her in prayer.
Aaron had a good day. He loves his teacher. He's in the same class with his best friend, Micah. I pray that he will continue to have good days. I also pray that Katie will hold on tight to Jesus' promise (which I know she will), and I pray that God will give me the strength to hold her up when she falls.
My classes today were normal. Most of the students didn't want to be there. I gave them my "first day speech," and half of them just sat in their seats giving me blank looks. It's typically how my students react the first few days. However, I know that someone in that Class of 2011 will be a doctor one day. Someone will be a lawyer. Someone might even be President. They might not look like they are paying attention to me, but I am paying attention to them. I am just happy to be a cog in the wheel of their lives. It's something that, as an educator, makes me proud.
So, if you're praying, just keep praying! I know that God is doing wonders with Katie. She has a sad mama's heart. It doesn't just go away a year later. It's always there. This entire month, and the next couple of weeks, has been and will be so difficult. I am just so thankful to God that He is the King in our lives. I don't have to worry. I don't have to be scared of what will be down the road. I know that He's the Ruler and Creator of all that has been and will be for our family.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Last Weekend of Freedom
All right, that phrase is how my son views the weekend before school starts. For the past couple of weeks, we've really "laid down the law" when it comes to bed-time. We've gotten back into a regular school year routine so that he will be prepared for Monday. Katie's classroom is all set up. Each students' name is neatly printed on little Olympic gold medals atop that student's desk. Her bulletin boards are ready to display beautiful 5 and 6-year-old works of art. In the sense of preparation, she is there. My classroom is ready to welcome the Class of 2011; although I doubt the Class of 2011 is ready to be welcomed back yet. I have a standard speech I give on the first day of school to every class that walks into my room.
"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Mr. Tyler. For those of you who do know me, my name is...Mr. Tyler. This is History, and you are living it right now. Nothing that has been has escaped history, and there is nothing to come that will escape history either. It is all around us. The words I just told you; history. This class will hopefully teach you about the history of this great United States. If I do my job right, and you yours, you will hopefully walk out of this classroom in May with a deeper knowledge about this subject than when you walked in this morning. I've been teaching this now for (_) years, so I must be doing something right." With that, I usually smile, some kids laugh, and we ease into the day. I look at my students, study their curiosity, remember mine when I was their age, and I share the words of 1 Timothy 4:12. "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity." I believe in public education, but I truthfully love the ability to teach in a school of Christian faith.
So, that brings me back somehow to this "last weekend of freedom." Katie's 39th birthday is tomorrow. I found out recently that a young miss Shaohannah Chapman's birthday is tomorrow too. It's fun to turn nine; not as fun to turn 39. Happy birthday to both beautiful young ladies. So, on this last weekend before school begins for the three of us, I just want to take the time to glorify His name yet again. Revelation 21:4 says, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." That is the hope I'm leaning toward this weekend. It may be the last weekend of freedom for my son, and countless other children across the country, but the real freedom comes when I see Him face to face. It comes when I walk into His Kingdom, hug my Father, find my little Gracie, and live in an eternity of peace. That's real freedom to me.
"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Mr. Tyler. For those of you who do know me, my name is...Mr. Tyler. This is History, and you are living it right now. Nothing that has been has escaped history, and there is nothing to come that will escape history either. It is all around us. The words I just told you; history. This class will hopefully teach you about the history of this great United States. If I do my job right, and you yours, you will hopefully walk out of this classroom in May with a deeper knowledge about this subject than when you walked in this morning. I've been teaching this now for (_) years, so I must be doing something right." With that, I usually smile, some kids laugh, and we ease into the day. I look at my students, study their curiosity, remember mine when I was their age, and I share the words of 1 Timothy 4:12. "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity." I believe in public education, but I truthfully love the ability to teach in a school of Christian faith.
So, that brings me back somehow to this "last weekend of freedom." Katie's 39th birthday is tomorrow. I found out recently that a young miss Shaohannah Chapman's birthday is tomorrow too. It's fun to turn nine; not as fun to turn 39. Happy birthday to both beautiful young ladies. So, on this last weekend before school begins for the three of us, I just want to take the time to glorify His name yet again. Revelation 21:4 says, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." That is the hope I'm leaning toward this weekend. It may be the last weekend of freedom for my son, and countless other children across the country, but the real freedom comes when I see Him face to face. It comes when I walk into His Kingdom, hug my Father, find my little Gracie, and live in an eternity of peace. That's real freedom to me.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
A good conversation
I had a good conversation with my 7-year-old son, Aaron (below) just a few minutes ago. Katie went to dinner with a group of ladies this evening, and that has allowed me to spend a couple hours of "father-son bonding time" with Aaron. Since school begins next Monday, it's bed-time at 8:45 p.m. For those who don't know our bed-time routine for Aaron, it consists of me sitting down beside his bed with my guitar and him shouting out song requests. I've done everything from my own guitar version of the Spongebob Squarepants theme to the newer sound of Somewhere Over the Rainbow made famous again in recent years. Anyways, right after I took the guitar off my lap and leaned it on the end of Aaron's bed, we had this good conversation. I call it a good conversation because if you've ever had a serious conversation with a 7-year-old, you are very lucky. This was one of them.
I had leaned the guitar on the bed when Aaron sat up and looked at me with curiosity on his face. He said, "Daddy, do you think that Gracie's done with the job that Jesus wanted her to do so she could come home now?" I played with his hair a minute before responding, hesitating long enough for him to say, "do you?" Although he knows, I explained to him that we won't see Gracie again on this Earth. But, she will be waiting in Heaven for us to arrive, and we will see her There. He then leaned back and put his head on the pillow, responding, "couldn't someone else have done the job?" Again, a hesitation, and I told him the only thing I could think of at the moment. I said, "Jesus chose her." He looked at me with big eyes and just said, "oh, all right." After a few moments of silence, I leaned over to kiss his forehead and tell him good-night. We told each other "I love you", and I turned off the light. Walking out of the bedroom, Aaron said, "daddy?" I turned around, and he said, "what will Jesus choose for me to do?" I smiled and said, "you'll know." He looked at me with curiosity again, smiled, and laid back down.
I hope you have had good conversations today. I think it's those conversations, especially with children, that keep us truly engaged in what the Lord is trying to convey to us; His children. I wish I could have the same sweet innocence as my son, but 39 years of life has thrown its curveballs my way. I just thank the Lord every day for His plan and direction for my life. If I had to make the choice, if I ran my life, I would be in a mess. I don't know how some people do it. I pray for them to realize how difficult and impossible it is to do that.
I had leaned the guitar on the bed when Aaron sat up and looked at me with curiosity on his face. He said, "Daddy, do you think that Gracie's done with the job that Jesus wanted her to do so she could come home now?" I played with his hair a minute before responding, hesitating long enough for him to say, "do you?" Although he knows, I explained to him that we won't see Gracie again on this Earth. But, she will be waiting in Heaven for us to arrive, and we will see her There. He then leaned back and put his head on the pillow, responding, "couldn't someone else have done the job?" Again, a hesitation, and I told him the only thing I could think of at the moment. I said, "Jesus chose her." He looked at me with big eyes and just said, "oh, all right." After a few moments of silence, I leaned over to kiss his forehead and tell him good-night. We told each other "I love you", and I turned off the light. Walking out of the bedroom, Aaron said, "daddy?" I turned around, and he said, "what will Jesus choose for me to do?" I smiled and said, "you'll know." He looked at me with curiosity again, smiled, and laid back down.
I hope you have had good conversations today. I think it's those conversations, especially with children, that keep us truly engaged in what the Lord is trying to convey to us; His children. I wish I could have the same sweet innocence as my son, but 39 years of life has thrown its curveballs my way. I just thank the Lord every day for His plan and direction for my life. If I had to make the choice, if I ran my life, I would be in a mess. I don't know how some people do it. I pray for them to realize how difficult and impossible it is to do that.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
Psalm 139
Psalm 139 (my favorite Psalm) I have read it nearly every day since last August. I memorized it. It's also one of the Scriptures read at Grace's funeral. For length reasons, I put it here in paragraph form. I put into bold the line that stings my heart every time I read it, but I know it's true.
Psalm 139
O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in-behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. If only you would slap the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men! They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord, and abhor those who rise up against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Psalm 139
O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in-behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. If only you would slap the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men! They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord, and abhor those who rise up against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
August 17, 2007
August 17, 2007
Gracie, we almost lost you today. Our hearts jumped. For really the first time, I honestly caught a glimpse of what life would be like without you in it. It was very real and not just a "what if" to me. Your body is growing weak, but your spirit is so strong. All the doctors and nurses love you, baby. You are the "rock" in this hospital. I pray that God gives us the strength we need. You are a fighter. My little girl's such a fighter, I'm so proud to be your daddy. God gave us such a jewel when you were born. He whispered in our hearts, this is one of My best creations. Your mother went home to be with Aaron for awhile, but she will be back. I'm here, Gracie. I'm writing this now watching you sleep. You are so beautiful, my little girl. You have made our lives so blessed. I sit here in silence, weeping, praying for God to hear my cries. I want Him to take away this pain you feel, that we all feel. I want Him to heal you, but He has a direction for your life, Gracie. He knows what He's doing. I just sit here as your daddy and say how proud I am of my little girl.
Gracie, we almost lost you today. Our hearts jumped. For really the first time, I honestly caught a glimpse of what life would be like without you in it. It was very real and not just a "what if" to me. Your body is growing weak, but your spirit is so strong. All the doctors and nurses love you, baby. You are the "rock" in this hospital. I pray that God gives us the strength we need. You are a fighter. My little girl's such a fighter, I'm so proud to be your daddy. God gave us such a jewel when you were born. He whispered in our hearts, this is one of My best creations. Your mother went home to be with Aaron for awhile, but she will be back. I'm here, Gracie. I'm writing this now watching you sleep. You are so beautiful, my little girl. You have made our lives so blessed. I sit here in silence, weeping, praying for God to hear my cries. I want Him to take away this pain you feel, that we all feel. I want Him to heal you, but He has a direction for your life, Gracie. He knows what He's doing. I just sit here as your daddy and say how proud I am of my little girl.
Friday, August 15, 2008
When God Shows Off
Taken at the Grand Tetons. This was last summer and our last vacation together as a whole. The kids had so much fun spending 10 days in Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons. This picture is on my desk at work and as a screen saver on my computer to remind me that, yes, this too is His Creation. We have such a beautiful world. This picture is precious to me not for what is in it necessarily, it's what is underneath it. Aaron and Gracie are splashing in the water along the shore, and if you look closely at the bottom and middle of the picture, you can see the water marks on the lens. I have been looking at this picture a lot lately. 1) I can't go onto my computer without seeing it, but 2) it marks one of the last "happy" times we spent as a whole family. There weren't any doctors with us. There weren't any hospital beds or cancer units. It was just the four of us. God is truly an amazing artist.
Why?
August 15, 2007 journal entry
Why? Why do You take? Why do You let us wither away? Murderers, criminals, evil manipulators; and You take a child? Why? Why do You bring life only to take it away so quickly? Why do You give us hope and then bring on pain? Why are some people here 100 years while others never open their eyes at all? God, why do you take? I want to know why. I want to know how this day will make me want to wake up in the morning. God, I just need to know. I need to know this will be all right. So why do You do it? I just want to know why I'm feeling this way, God, when I know You're there. I just pray these words tonight. I can't save her, Lord. I just pray these words.
Why? Why do You take? Why do You let us wither away? Murderers, criminals, evil manipulators; and You take a child? Why? Why do You bring life only to take it away so quickly? Why do You give us hope and then bring on pain? Why are some people here 100 years while others never open their eyes at all? God, why do you take? I want to know why. I want to know how this day will make me want to wake up in the morning. God, I just need to know. I need to know this will be all right. So why do You do it? I just want to know why I'm feeling this way, God, when I know You're there. I just pray these words tonight. I can't save her, Lord. I just pray these words.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
One year ago
The entire August of 2007 was a letting go process for Kate and me. For over two years, our little girl fought with such a passion to live every day she was given here. It was a year ago today, August 14, 2007; that Grace's cancer took a grave turn. Actually, we nearly lost her on August 17th. From this date until she went Home on September 7th, we didn't know if she'd still be there in the mornings. We had grandparents staying with Aaron a majority of the time; as our time was spent at the hospital. At the time, we were really zoning in on Gracie. Looking back, it took a tremendous toll on Aaron too. I am so thankful that God put amazing parents and in-laws in our lives so that Aaron had so much love all around him. I was told to keep a daily journal around late-July, and I did just that. I wrote in it every day. I wrote to God, to Katie, to Aaron, to Gracie, to myself. Looking at it this morning underneath the date (8/14/07) I only wrote three words and an exclamation mark. "She's still here!"
I've actually been painting a smile on my face the past couple of days. I've done it here, and I've done it for Kate and Aaron. For those who might see this who also visit Mr. Houser's "blog," I've done it there too. Truthfully, I'm taking August hard this year; harder than I am trying to let on to people. Just pray for me. Pray for us. This "one year" span of time is difficult. Gracie is so much alive in my heart, and it's just time that separates us. In the September 7, 2007 entry, I wrote to God. I prayed for Him to keep Gracie in His comfort until the day comes when I will be able to hold her again. I know He's doing that, and I can't wait for that day to arrive. She's being held by a greater Father than I could have ever been to her down here. I just miss the opportunity to try. God bless, and I know there are millions who I will also pray for while you walk through your own grief.
I've actually been painting a smile on my face the past couple of days. I've done it here, and I've done it for Kate and Aaron. For those who might see this who also visit Mr. Houser's "blog," I've done it there too. Truthfully, I'm taking August hard this year; harder than I am trying to let on to people. Just pray for me. Pray for us. This "one year" span of time is difficult. Gracie is so much alive in my heart, and it's just time that separates us. In the September 7, 2007 entry, I wrote to God. I prayed for Him to keep Gracie in His comfort until the day comes when I will be able to hold her again. I know He's doing that, and I can't wait for that day to arrive. She's being held by a greater Father than I could have ever been to her down here. I just miss the opportunity to try. God bless, and I know there are millions who I will also pray for while you walk through your own grief.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Every school year...
All right, so I went into my classroom today to continue the "setting up" process. For those who don't know my profession, I am an educator (aka Mr. T, no relation). I teach at a Christian academy, and I love teaching. Joy comes not from the 50th time you've asked a question without a response; it comes from the first time you get an answer from a kid whose lightbulb just lit up. I love seeing that. This is my 15th year teaching high school history to a group of kids who most likely don't really enjoy the subject. Oh, I have my methods of at least trying to make history come alive in my students, but it's difficult in the world of "now." Why would you want to study about the Founding Fathers when you have twenty text messages to read from one of your Myspace friends. Forgive me if that last line doesn't make sense to some of you. It doesn't make sense to me either, so I don't really know if you can actually receive text messages through friends on that web-site. I'm just proud to know what a text message is, although I would much rather telephone someone instead of writing them such an impersonal message. Thus, one of "Mr. T's" rules; no cell phones. You wouldn't believe how many parents get angry when you tell their children they can't have cell phones in my classroom. Every year, some student tests that rule, but I don't know one that has ever won. ;)
So, another school year is just a couple weeks away. For Kate, this is the beginning of another chapter again; getting back into teaching. For Aaron, this is the sad end to his summer. But, for me, it's another opportunity to serve the Lord. I'd like to think that when I reach Heaven, and Jesus looks at me saying, "what have you done for my Kingdom?" I can look at Him and say, "I loved your precious children. I tried to teach them well. I tried my best to show You to them through my actions and words." There are some people who look at this generation of young adults with shame, and I will admit that there are several reasons to question the integrity of some of those people. However, give me a 15-year-old with pimples, cell phones, and an iPod; and I will do my best to turn that kid into a history buff by the end of May.
So, another school year is just a couple weeks away. For Kate, this is the beginning of another chapter again; getting back into teaching. For Aaron, this is the sad end to his summer. But, for me, it's another opportunity to serve the Lord. I'd like to think that when I reach Heaven, and Jesus looks at me saying, "what have you done for my Kingdom?" I can look at Him and say, "I loved your precious children. I tried to teach them well. I tried my best to show You to them through my actions and words." There are some people who look at this generation of young adults with shame, and I will admit that there are several reasons to question the integrity of some of those people. However, give me a 15-year-old with pimples, cell phones, and an iPod; and I will do my best to turn that kid into a history buff by the end of May.
1 Peter 1:6-7
Meditating on this verse today:
'In this you greatly rejoice though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.' 1 Peter 1:6-7
It's speaking of a hope. We all need hope. We all can find it too.
'In this you greatly rejoice though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.' 1 Peter 1:6-7
It's speaking of a hope. We all need hope. We all can find it too.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
I Won't Let You Sink
Don't we all need to hear those words sometimes? All right, let's clear the air here. I am having a bad day. I'm tired. I'm Homesick. I'm just not having fun today. I love God. I love His decision to grant me a wonderful family. But, I just miss my Gracie today. Yes, Joel, even this uncle can have those days. By the way, Joel, if you are reading this, I love you, buddy. You're my favorite nephew named Joel (for those not aware, that's a joke between us two).
The one truth that I have discovered is this; 11 months can still feel like the next day. I've been told that even 11 years could be like that. It's actually not as much Katie as it is me today. I just woke up feeling this way. I took my Bible to lunch today. I will do that often when I am eating alone, but Katie, Aaron, and I all went out, so in between my bites, I read the Scriptures. God's good. He's great actually, and He's there. Earlier today, Katie pulled me aside and said, "look honey, I know you're hurting today. I know you're sad, but I won't let you sink." Isn't that what we all want and need to hear in our sadness? We just want someone who loves us enough to say, "hey, I'm here." One of Katie's best lines to me wasn't, "I love you," although I love hearing those words. They were actually right after Gracie's funeral, and we both were in so much grief. However, she managed to look me in the eyes and say, "even if I only have one hand on the shore, I'll be holding you up with the other." It was the greatest line she's ever said to me; without a doubt. We all need to hear words like that. So, I am praying and hopeful for a good day tomorrow. The rain doesn't last forever; even if it seems that way at times. God is good all the time. All the time, God is good. God bless.
The one truth that I have discovered is this; 11 months can still feel like the next day. I've been told that even 11 years could be like that. It's actually not as much Katie as it is me today. I just woke up feeling this way. I took my Bible to lunch today. I will do that often when I am eating alone, but Katie, Aaron, and I all went out, so in between my bites, I read the Scriptures. God's good. He's great actually, and He's there. Earlier today, Katie pulled me aside and said, "look honey, I know you're hurting today. I know you're sad, but I won't let you sink." Isn't that what we all want and need to hear in our sadness? We just want someone who loves us enough to say, "hey, I'm here." One of Katie's best lines to me wasn't, "I love you," although I love hearing those words. They were actually right after Gracie's funeral, and we both were in so much grief. However, she managed to look me in the eyes and say, "even if I only have one hand on the shore, I'll be holding you up with the other." It was the greatest line she's ever said to me; without a doubt. We all need to hear words like that. So, I am praying and hopeful for a good day tomorrow. The rain doesn't last forever; even if it seems that way at times. God is good all the time. All the time, God is good. God bless.
Monday, August 11, 2008
My Grandfather's Lessons
Had he still been alive today, this day would mark my grandfather's 90th year on this planet. However, the Lord called him Home at the age of 72 back in the summer of 1991. I still think of my grandfather a few times a week; usually when the bad days take my emotions for a ride. He was an amazing man, a devoted family man, but an even greater example of what it meant to be a Christian. When I was a little boy, I remember always being around his church. When your grandfather is Pastor and a founding member of your particular church, you tend to have bragging rights among all your other friends. I remember one summer; around my 15th or 16th one; I took a "class" with 'Rev. James' (Pop to me) over what it meant to truly be a Christian and a champion for God. For those of you out there who throw scriptures out to me and smile when I tell you the book, chapter, and verse; it's because of Pop's teaching. "How can you tell people about the beauty in this Book if you don't know it yourself?" That was one of his favorites. Anyways, this class of his didn't really consist of any grading scale. It only had one pupil; me. It didn't involve a classroom; only the community of people who lived nearby, and it only had one book (The Holy Bible). For a month, I met him at the church at 5:00 every morning. We would eat breakfast together, and then he'd say, "watch this, Jay" (only person besides my mother to call me that, and I miss it so much). I would watch, as my grandfather would leave enormous amounts of tip money. Sometimes, I would catch a glimpse of the waitresses' expressions as we left the restaurants. Whenever I asked my grandfather why he did it, he'd just smile and say that it truly wasn't ever his money anyways. You couldn't take it with you, so there was no sense in being stingy with it.
After breakfast, the real "class" began. Its focus was acts of kindness; randomly done to strangers who least expected it. When you are like my grandfather, and seem to know everyone, you learn who needs assistance and what kind of aide they need. So, I mowed a lot of yards that summer. I put away a lot of groceries. I even bought some groceries for complete strangers with, what else, my grandfather's money.
Every summer of my youth involved that old country church and my grandfather's "good deeds," but that one summer was very special to me. "Hey, Jay," my grandfather always said to me, "tell me about the Good Samaritan." I then proceeded to tell him, for the 50th, 100th, 200th time, what he already knew. "Good, " he'd say, "now let's go do it."
These days, I find a lot less Good Samaritans, but I know they are still out there. They are the people who stop to visit strangers in a nursing home. They are the ones who reach into the far corners of the Earth through missionary work. They are the ones who just answer to God's call; whatever He asks of them. You don't have to do physical work to be a Good Samaritan. It's giving of yourself when you just know it's right; what you know the Lord would want you to do in a situation. If you haven't heard the story, as my grandfather would say, "look it up!"
Luke 10: 25-37
I got a lot of things from my grandfather. I got his name (although our "B" is different). People say I have his eyes. Out of all I've gotten from him in life, I like to think that I have gotten his kindness. I also got one more thing from him. I'm a big tipper. You can't take it with you, and it was never really mine.
Those who knew Pop knew that he loved to challenge people religiously. I already mentioned it with the Scripture verses. Everytime I read the Bible, I can't help but think of him and his yearning for me to really get closer to Jesus. So, if you're reading this, I challenge you. Do you really know this Book you're reading? Although I am a full-time 10th grade History teacher, I also am a "part-timer" at a local college teaching a religious history course. Every year, I challenge my students. "How well do you know The Bible?" Most of the time, I am amazed at how uneducated these young Christians are when it comes to the most important Book they will ever read. I can't help it; that's my grandfather in me. "You wouldn't perform surgery without knowing how to do it, would you?" There are daddies out there who may be training their sons to be baseball players, football players, rock stars, or billionaires. I am training Aaron to be a man for God. I want his "championship" won to be for His Kingdom. The rest will all wash away anyways.
Happy Birthday, Pop! I so wish Katie and Aaron could have met you. I can't wait for that chance in Heaven. Hug Gracie for me.
After breakfast, the real "class" began. Its focus was acts of kindness; randomly done to strangers who least expected it. When you are like my grandfather, and seem to know everyone, you learn who needs assistance and what kind of aide they need. So, I mowed a lot of yards that summer. I put away a lot of groceries. I even bought some groceries for complete strangers with, what else, my grandfather's money.
Every summer of my youth involved that old country church and my grandfather's "good deeds," but that one summer was very special to me. "Hey, Jay," my grandfather always said to me, "tell me about the Good Samaritan." I then proceeded to tell him, for the 50th, 100th, 200th time, what he already knew. "Good, " he'd say, "now let's go do it."
These days, I find a lot less Good Samaritans, but I know they are still out there. They are the people who stop to visit strangers in a nursing home. They are the ones who reach into the far corners of the Earth through missionary work. They are the ones who just answer to God's call; whatever He asks of them. You don't have to do physical work to be a Good Samaritan. It's giving of yourself when you just know it's right; what you know the Lord would want you to do in a situation. If you haven't heard the story, as my grandfather would say, "look it up!"
Luke 10: 25-37
I got a lot of things from my grandfather. I got his name (although our "B" is different). People say I have his eyes. Out of all I've gotten from him in life, I like to think that I have gotten his kindness. I also got one more thing from him. I'm a big tipper. You can't take it with you, and it was never really mine.
Those who knew Pop knew that he loved to challenge people religiously. I already mentioned it with the Scripture verses. Everytime I read the Bible, I can't help but think of him and his yearning for me to really get closer to Jesus. So, if you're reading this, I challenge you. Do you really know this Book you're reading? Although I am a full-time 10th grade History teacher, I also am a "part-timer" at a local college teaching a religious history course. Every year, I challenge my students. "How well do you know The Bible?" Most of the time, I am amazed at how uneducated these young Christians are when it comes to the most important Book they will ever read. I can't help it; that's my grandfather in me. "You wouldn't perform surgery without knowing how to do it, would you?" There are daddies out there who may be training their sons to be baseball players, football players, rock stars, or billionaires. I am training Aaron to be a man for God. I want his "championship" won to be for His Kingdom. The rest will all wash away anyways.
Happy Birthday, Pop! I so wish Katie and Aaron could have met you. I can't wait for that chance in Heaven. Hug Gracie for me.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Held
At our church, I am the "big guy" of music; a nickname I've received over the years. For eight years now, I have been the director of music; as well as serving the Lord in our praise team. So, now you know why I have commented on so many lyrics here. I am not a singer. My wife would tell you I'm not a singer. I think anyone would tell you I'm not a singer. However, if you give me an instrument and a piece of music, I could play it back for you perfectly. Thus, I praise God through instruments other than my voice. My wife, on the other hand, has the singing voice of an angel. Together, along with Aaron who will occasionally join us on stage for a "Tyler Family Experience", we do our best to please the Lord through song. Today, Katie sang this song. I was on piano; trying to keep my emotions strong through teary eyes. It's a beautiful song. If you've never heard it, you're missing a very sad yet very hopeful message. Don't we all want that feeling of being held tight; wrapped in the loving arms of our Savior. As a daddy, I know the greatest part of life with Aaron, and what was my favorite part with Gracie, are those little hands grabbing my neck and squeezing tight. If those little hands can make us smile, then isn't it great when we feel those Heavenly arms grabbing us and pulling us near? Anyways, this song is by a singer named Natalie Grant. Katie did make it through the song. She sung it beautifully.
Held
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
Held
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Katie's Kindergarten
I just wanted to ask those of you who are reading this right now, including some family members, to just keep Katie in prayer. This is her first year back in the role she loves to be in; teaching Kindergarten again. As some of you know already, she left after the 2002/2003 school year to raise Aaron and Gracie. When we got Gracie's diagnosis, the time table was again set before God and on hold. We had planned on Katie taking a maternity leave at the end of this year, but God is in control. I know this will be a very hard adjustment again, but she's such a light in the eyes of the students she teaches. Please pray for that adjustment into her teaching again, and pray that she will be such a blessing in the lives and hearts of those little kids. It's a Christian elementary school. It's a wonderful environment. I know she will be so comforted surrounded by those little faces. Just lift her up before the Lord during these next couple of weeks before school begins and even after it starts. Those children in the past, and their families, have been like extensions of our own family. So, just pray that "oh, oh, Mrs. Tyler?, Mrs. Tyler?" will be comforted in Jesus' arms as she prepares for this adventure. Thank you. God bless.
My students are a lot less eager and wild in the classroom, but I could also always use your prayers. ;)
My students are a lot less eager and wild in the classroom, but I could also always use your prayers. ;)
Friday, August 8, 2008
Marriage
Watching the news both locally and nationally this afternoon, I could not help but hear the sad news of Sen. John Edwards from my home state of North Carolina. Where I don't condone what he did, and will never condone such behavior, God is the ultimate judge of his soul; not me. As I was listening to this "breaking" news, I flashed back to my own Dad's mistakes in his marriage. My mind went back to the day he told me, "Son, don't leave anything unsaid in your marriage. Don't have a marriage like mine." I can say that I am doing just that. Married 15 years, I could not ask for a better wife for me and mother to my children than Katie. I will stay faithful to our vow as husband and wife and the vow I made to God to treat her the way He expected me to in our life together. Still, I know that our earthly marriage, through wonderfully great, is no match for our Heavenly marriage. It's the marriage of us to our Savior in Heaven. It's the bond that will have eternal rewards if we just choose to make that marriage vow to Him. I made that vow back in 1975. Katie made that vow in 1981. When was yours? Have you made it yet? He's calling.
A Smile and a Memory
Kate smiled this morning. It wasn't a smile for Aaron's sake. It was an actual smile. I haven't seen one of those since Tuesday night, so pardon me if I seem over-excited! I remember after Gracie died, I thought I'd never see a Katie smile again. It took a long time for her to really smile and not just do it because of our son or others to see that she was falsely doing all right. I am still coming back after the Larry King interview last night with the Chapman family. If you are unaware of what I am talking about, I have already commented on this here. Although I was obviously not at the farm that Wednesday, May 21st; I have those images of what took place. As they were talking, the images were running through my mind. I almost felt like I was there that day after hearing them.
The images of Gracie's Homecoming day (as I refer to it) aren't as dramatic and intense as those mental images I have of Maria Chapman's, but one image was the same. I held Gracie's body after she had passed into Heaven, and I remember as I held her, I yelled out to God. I, like Mary Beth Chapman, was angry with God many times. I never doubted His plan, but I was angry with it. It's the human in all of us. However, I know that Gracie is Home. She's cancer-free. She doesn't have pain. She's perfect. The last six months of her life on Earth were so hard. But, I'm glad that this life isn't all there is for us. I miss so many parts of life with Gracie, but I can't feel sorry for where she is right now. I can feel sad, but I won't feel cheated. Although I thought that I would see Heaven before she would, I am so glad that Gracie is sitting with our Creator; the One who knew her days long before we knew her, and the One who will be waiting with open arms on the day of my own Homecoming!
The images of Gracie's Homecoming day (as I refer to it) aren't as dramatic and intense as those mental images I have of Maria Chapman's, but one image was the same. I held Gracie's body after she had passed into Heaven, and I remember as I held her, I yelled out to God. I, like Mary Beth Chapman, was angry with God many times. I never doubted His plan, but I was angry with it. It's the human in all of us. However, I know that Gracie is Home. She's cancer-free. She doesn't have pain. She's perfect. The last six months of her life on Earth were so hard. But, I'm glad that this life isn't all there is for us. I miss so many parts of life with Gracie, but I can't feel sorry for where she is right now. I can feel sad, but I won't feel cheated. Although I thought that I would see Heaven before she would, I am so glad that Gracie is sitting with our Creator; the One who knew her days long before we knew her, and the One who will be waiting with open arms on the day of my own Homecoming!
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Chapman Family
I really had doubts as to whether I was going to be able to watch the Larry King Live interview tonight with Steven Curtis Chapman and family. I have had a rough day today, and I didn't know if watching something that would just make it worse would be good or not. But, I watched it. And, I have to say that I am so proud of our Lord! His light was so bright tonight, and His message was put through so wonderfully through five of His servants. I managed to make it a couple minutes without crying. My wife made it 30 seconds. Bless her heart; she wanted to watch it. She felt like she needed to watch it.
I was so proud of Emily, Caleb, and Will Franklin. Caleb and Will Franklin, if my son Aaron is half the men you are, I will be so blessed. I am not even their father, but I felt an overwhelming pride in the three of them.
God was everywhere tonight. Mary Beth, you will never read this, but you have given my wife so much hope through our grief. We lost our precious daughter months before you lost yours, but we have both looked to your family's faith as truly nothing short of God's awesome power at work! This interview tonight actually opened Kate's and my eyes to what our future might hold. It's still very early, and the pain from losing our baby yesterday morning is still too raw to touch, but I think God is calling us into adoption. If this is the case for the two of us, we would like to look into Shaohannah's Hope for assistance. As with your family and those precious twins, we will rely on God to give us all the answers; that includes a yes or no.
The presence of God was there tonight, folks. He couldn't be edited this time!
I was so proud of Emily, Caleb, and Will Franklin. Caleb and Will Franklin, if my son Aaron is half the men you are, I will be so blessed. I am not even their father, but I felt an overwhelming pride in the three of them.
God was everywhere tonight. Mary Beth, you will never read this, but you have given my wife so much hope through our grief. We lost our precious daughter months before you lost yours, but we have both looked to your family's faith as truly nothing short of God's awesome power at work! This interview tonight actually opened Kate's and my eyes to what our future might hold. It's still very early, and the pain from losing our baby yesterday morning is still too raw to touch, but I think God is calling us into adoption. If this is the case for the two of us, we would like to look into Shaohannah's Hope for assistance. As with your family and those precious twins, we will rely on God to give us all the answers; that includes a yes or no.
The presence of God was there tonight, folks. He couldn't be edited this time!
Homesick
Yes, I will slow these down eventually. However, the Holy Spirit doesn't stop filling you up just because you've already written two "blog posts" today. So, I was driving around today trying to find the cheapest gas and trying to also clear my head; when this song came on the radio. I thought to myself, it's God. It can't be anyone else. In recognition of the Chapman family appearing on Larry King Live tonight for a Live interview, and my thoughts at the time this song came on about my own losses, I couldn't think of any other reason but God bringing this song on air. It's titled "Homesick", and it's recorded by Mercy Me. Oh, Father, I am homesick. I'm desperately seeking Your Face.
Homesick
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Homesick
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Matthew 11:28-30
I had a horrible night's sleep last night. Someone who didn't really understand obviously once told me, "J.B., at least you didn't lose your child the way you lost Gracie." It doesn't matter whether lost in the womb, at four years of age, or forty years of age; it's still your child! I tried conveying that to him nicely.
So, in my horrible toss-and-turn sleep, I rolled over and held Kate tight. I figured that if I could hold her tight, her pain would seep into me, and she'd be better. Yes, this was 2:00 in the morning, so normal and rational thinking wasn't there at that point.
I finally did fall to sleep, only to wake up again once I felt Kate's empty side of the bed. I looked around the room; no Kate. I went into our bathroom; no Kate. I went into Aaron's room; no Kate. I eventually found her; in Gracie's room. She was curled up in the rocker with, what else, the Holy Bible in her hand. My Katie, the rock, grabbing on to her Rock. I left her alone, and I went to go to my own daily Bible readings. I read:
Matthew 11:28-30, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
I have those verses stained into my mind now; after all I've been through. Yet, I know I'm not alone in suffering. There are millions out there who have endured similar pain or even worse pain. Jesus didn't promise no suffering and pain in this life (yes, Mom, that's a double negative). He only promised that if you choose to follow Him, He will lead you to a place one day where there will be NO suffering. There will be NO pain; as we worship together in glorious harmony.
Romans 8:18, "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."
This will all wash away, but there is a beautiful Home we're headed toward!
So, in my horrible toss-and-turn sleep, I rolled over and held Kate tight. I figured that if I could hold her tight, her pain would seep into me, and she'd be better. Yes, this was 2:00 in the morning, so normal and rational thinking wasn't there at that point.
I finally did fall to sleep, only to wake up again once I felt Kate's empty side of the bed. I looked around the room; no Kate. I went into our bathroom; no Kate. I went into Aaron's room; no Kate. I eventually found her; in Gracie's room. She was curled up in the rocker with, what else, the Holy Bible in her hand. My Katie, the rock, grabbing on to her Rock. I left her alone, and I went to go to my own daily Bible readings. I read:
Matthew 11:28-30, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
I have those verses stained into my mind now; after all I've been through. Yet, I know I'm not alone in suffering. There are millions out there who have endured similar pain or even worse pain. Jesus didn't promise no suffering and pain in this life (yes, Mom, that's a double negative). He only promised that if you choose to follow Him, He will lead you to a place one day where there will be NO suffering. There will be NO pain; as we worship together in glorious harmony.
Romans 8:18, "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."
This will all wash away, but there is a beautiful Home we're headed toward!
Jesus Paid It All
Growing up, there was an older woman in our church named Bessie Brower. Growing up an African American in Mississippi before moving to North Carolina in the 1960's; she saw her share of difficult times. Her voice was always stern to us kids on every day but Sunday. On Sunday, her voice was like one of God's angels sitting right behind me in the pew. Bessie passed away when I was a young boy somewhere around age 11, but her voice still comes to me when I hear one particular song. It happens to be one my favorite hymns; thanks to Bessie or just the Holy Spirit whispering this into my heart.
Jesus Paid It All (picture your own Bessie here; I'll picture mine)
I hear the Savior say
Thy strength indeed is small
Child of weakness....watch and pray
Find in me....thine all in all
Jesus paid it all
All to Him I owe
Sin hath left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow
Lord, now indeed I find
Thy power and Thine alone
Can change the leper's spots
And melt the heart of stone
Chorus
For nothing good have I
Whereby Thy grace to claim
I'll wash my garments white
In the blood of Calvary's Lamb
Chorus
And when before thy throne
I stand in Him complete
Jesus died my soul to save
My lips shall still repeat
Chorus
As a child who grew up in an old country church, I grew up on those old hymns. There's something to be said about country churches on Sunday mornings. You just seem to really feel complete and whole when you leave them. The mega-churches you see today, I know they are filled with Heavenly believers, but I just get lost trying to find the pews; I mean nice, comfortable seats. So, Kate and I attend one of those old country churches. We want Aaron to find his own Bessie Brower.
Jesus Paid It All (picture your own Bessie here; I'll picture mine)
I hear the Savior say
Thy strength indeed is small
Child of weakness....watch and pray
Find in me....thine all in all
Jesus paid it all
All to Him I owe
Sin hath left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow
Lord, now indeed I find
Thy power and Thine alone
Can change the leper's spots
And melt the heart of stone
Chorus
For nothing good have I
Whereby Thy grace to claim
I'll wash my garments white
In the blood of Calvary's Lamb
Chorus
And when before thy throne
I stand in Him complete
Jesus died my soul to save
My lips shall still repeat
Chorus
As a child who grew up in an old country church, I grew up on those old hymns. There's something to be said about country churches on Sunday mornings. You just seem to really feel complete and whole when you leave them. The mega-churches you see today, I know they are filled with Heavenly believers, but I just get lost trying to find the pews; I mean nice, comfortable seats. So, Kate and I attend one of those old country churches. We want Aaron to find his own Bessie Brower.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
For The Sake of the Call
When I was at my grandfather's church in the summer of 1991, I extensively worked with the youth group. Growing up in that youth group, I can firmly understand perhaps why our other youth pastor quit. Joking aside, it was for a very good reason, but I still wonder. Anyways, during this time, I discovered a young Christian singer who I thought presented a good message for our youth. He had been around awhile, but I was not very familiar with his work. The man was Steven Curtis Chapman, who now everyone knows, but his words struck me very deeply. A particular song; "For the Sake of the Call" quickly turned into an anthem for me. When I was growing up, I saw two sets of aunts and uncles reach into Asia, Africa, and other parts of the world through missionary work. I wanted to do that, and I did have my own opportunity for a summer in a village in Africa. It's an experience that I hope to imprint on Aaron someday; in hopes that he will too reach out "for the sake of the call."
Since that first encounter with the song, I have grown to really follow Steven Curtis Chapman's music and message. He has proven to be a man of God; a man of His love and wisdom. This past May, as the world knows now, he and his wife placed a precious daughter into the arms of Jesus. I wish I didn't know how he felt; as bad as that sounds. I wish I wasn't able to empathize with him; only sympathize. Since May 21, I have prayed for this family. I have prayed for the body of Christ surrounding this family. It's our duty as Christians to lift up our brothers and sisters as best we know how, and mine is prayer and donations. Kate and I have decided to give to Shaohannah's Hope charity every 21st until, well, I suppose until we physically can't or Jesus returns. If you are interested in this charity, www.shaohannahshope.org It's a wonderful charity for orphans around the world. In Africa, I came into contact with a lot of orphans. What I can't understand is this: why do people who have the ability to help them NOT help them? "Whatsoever you do for the least of my people, that you do unto me" Matthew 25:40; why can't people see that? We should all be going out for the sake of the call.
This morning, I cried for my own pain. I cried for the pain of a lost child. I cried for my friend in Christ, Steven Curtis Chapman. I have cried for my friend in Christ, Mary Beth Chapman. I have cried for their children. Maria Chapman will never be replaced. Grace Tyler will never be replaced. Our three Baby Tylers will never be replaced. We can live, and we can remember, but we will never replace. But, if we believe, we will see them again. Steven has a song titled, "Cinderella." It's about a daddy's look at his daughter's life. "I will dance with Cinderella, while she is here in my arms." As he has stated in the last two months, he will dance with his Cinderella again. I will dance with mine. With Jesus, you can bet those ballrooms will be magnificent!
Since that first encounter with the song, I have grown to really follow Steven Curtis Chapman's music and message. He has proven to be a man of God; a man of His love and wisdom. This past May, as the world knows now, he and his wife placed a precious daughter into the arms of Jesus. I wish I didn't know how he felt; as bad as that sounds. I wish I wasn't able to empathize with him; only sympathize. Since May 21, I have prayed for this family. I have prayed for the body of Christ surrounding this family. It's our duty as Christians to lift up our brothers and sisters as best we know how, and mine is prayer and donations. Kate and I have decided to give to Shaohannah's Hope charity every 21st until, well, I suppose until we physically can't or Jesus returns. If you are interested in this charity, www.shaohannahshope.org It's a wonderful charity for orphans around the world. In Africa, I came into contact with a lot of orphans. What I can't understand is this: why do people who have the ability to help them NOT help them? "Whatsoever you do for the least of my people, that you do unto me" Matthew 25:40; why can't people see that? We should all be going out for the sake of the call.
This morning, I cried for my own pain. I cried for the pain of a lost child. I cried for my friend in Christ, Steven Curtis Chapman. I have cried for my friend in Christ, Mary Beth Chapman. I have cried for their children. Maria Chapman will never be replaced. Grace Tyler will never be replaced. Our three Baby Tylers will never be replaced. We can live, and we can remember, but we will never replace. But, if we believe, we will see them again. Steven has a song titled, "Cinderella." It's about a daddy's look at his daughter's life. "I will dance with Cinderella, while she is here in my arms." As he has stated in the last two months, he will dance with his Cinderella again. I will dance with mine. With Jesus, you can bet those ballrooms will be magnificent!
Faithfully Following
I am new to "blog world," so bear with me. However, I really can't keep quiet about some areas of life, and this is one of them. So, introducing "Faithfully Following." If you happen to stumble across this place, welcome. If you never read this, my Savior will still be glorified in these words.
I am writing these words down out of pure pain this morning. I am also writing them out of pure hope. My wife and I have been blessed to be parents five times. I believe life begins at conception; "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb" as Psalm 139: 13 beautifully states. When we first became pregnant, no let me back this story up a few years, then I will get back to this.
I have been "faithfully following" one true God since my 7th birthday; November 30, 1975. My grandfather was a minister for 34 years; which has spanned most of the time I grew up. I didn't understand all of what my grandfather preached, but I do know he preached the truth. I loved him dearly, and I loved the Jesus he was preaching about even more. Somewhere between the cake, ice cream, and presents; I fell into my grandfather's lap and confessed that I wanted to follow Jesus for the rest of my life. We smiled. I'm sure Christ did too.
Growing up, life wasn't always easy for my brothers and me. My parents separated when I was 17, and I spent a couple years reeling from that loss of love between the two of them. They reconciled for six months, then eventually parted on peaceful terms. Yet, I still believed. I believed that God was in control; even in the middle of the pain of seeing two people I loved and cared for deeply hurt so terribly. He was still on the Throne.
Now, years later, I look at that time in my life as a personal test. I believe I passed. Sorry, Satan.
Upon graduation of college, I went to work at my grandfather's church. I was still trying to figure out where God truly wanted me to be, so I thought the best place I could have been at the time was home. God was right. It was the best place to be for those two months I spent at my grandfather's church in the summer of 1991. Soon after I returned home, my grandfather died of a heart attack. They said it was sudden, but I knew it wasn't. I knew that it was all in God's plan for my grandfather's life. Long before he took his first breath, God knew his days. He wanted me to spend that time with him.
The second reason, and one of the biggest happiness points in my life, was meeting Katherine Field. She was and still is a beautiful woman; inside and out. We married in 1993 along the Outer Banks. If you've never been there, I suggest taking a trip. It's a beautiful part of the Earth God chose for us.
In the summer of 1995, Kate and I found out we would finally be parents! As one of six children, Kate was prepared for its duty. As a brother of two, I wasn't. As soon as we heard the news, I began to pray for God to make me a good daddy. Five weeks after finding out the blessed news, we found out the hard reality of life. Our baby was gone. We were numb for a long while. We were numb to each other, but God was in control. He brought us closer together through our pain. He brought us closer to Him.
In the Spring of 1996, we found out again we were pregnant. Glory to God; He wanted us to be parents again! I was nervous and very scared. Kate was too, but we didn't let what happened the previous summer sway our faith in God's grace for our lives. Five weeks came and went, and we still had baby. We were a little more relaxed. Seven weeks came, and baby was gone. We couldn't believe it. Our dreams had not only been crushed, they were obliterated beyond what we thought was possible. Kate was ready to quit. I was ready to quit. God wasn't.
We did wait for a few years. In that time, we connected with our nephews and nieces. We thought we would be Aunt Kat and Uncle Jay-Jay for awhile. However, in the fall of 2000, we once again were asked to carry and love a precious child. This time, we waited to share the news. We waited, five weeks came and went We waited, seven weeks came and went. We waited, the first trimester came and went. Could this be it? We waited for something to happen. It did. Aaron James was born on April 25, 2001. A healthy baby boy; he came to this world with two guardian angels on his shoulders. He's never ceased to amaze Kate or me. I am his #1 fan; no wait, I think that title belongs to God.
We knew we wanted more children, but that thought of our losses was always in the back of our minds. We forged ahead anyways, and we had Grace Ann in 2003. Our baby girl, our beautiful little girl. There's something about daddies and daughters. I didn't know what it was; until she arrived. Flashing forward to 2005, Kate and I started noticing some changes in Grace. She wasn't eating. She was constantly tired. She would bruise easily. We thought she might have had anemia. We took her to a children's hospital. We later learned the earth shattering news. Cancer? Our daughter? Our 2-year-old child barely beginning her walk in life? The news devastated us. It shook our belief. Why would God allow a 2-year-old child to have such a painful diagnosis? Why would He let this happen?
I was shaken out of my depression by a fellow you all might know. I think you have heard his name. Rev. Billy Graham was speaking on TBN one afternoon shortly after we learned the news of Grace's potential future. He was preaching on, what else, grief, loss, and the love of Jesus Christ in our lives. I froze. I gave it all back to Him that day. In the next two years, I would need Jesus and Kate to get through that pain; my two rocks.
In July of 2007, we knew that Grace was going to be leaving us for Home. Twice last summer, we thought it was going to be it. Officially in August, we ran out of all options but prayer. So, we prayed with an overwhelming passion. I prayed for Grace's healing; one of which I knew wouldn't come in this life. But, I also prayed for her safe journey into Jesus' arms of love, and to the Heaven He has promised us all. She did make that journey; on September 7, 2007. She was surrounded by family, friends, hospital staff, her stuffed animals, and God. She was also surrounded by her piggy bank; including all 300+ pennies that she had collected in the two years since her diagnosis. To share the reason why pennies were important; have you ever heard that song, "pennies, pennies from Heaven..." Well, there you go. I still find pennies too lying on the ground. When I do, I pick them up. I place them in a piggy bank. I don't know why, but I just feel like I should.
Now on to today, and the real reason I am just so compelled to begin this "blog." We were blessed in early July with another pregnancy. Here we go again, we thought. Not even God would make us hurt for four lost babies, so we were positive this was going to be a full-term and healthy baby. This morning, I was shaken awake by my wife. She was crying. I just knew what had happened. We made a middle of the early morning telephone call to find Aaron a baby-sitter, and we left for the hospital. Baby #5; gone. In the middle of this grief journey I'm on, I have come to one realization. I can embrace my life, or I can run from it. I choose to embrace it. I choose to faithfully follow Jesus' plan and will for my life and that of my family's. I don't know how He makes His decisions, but I trust them. I trust Him. While my beautiful bride lies sleeping in her pain and heartache, I look to the future. I look to our future. I think we're done trying. I know I'm done trying. God can open that up again, but I know I won't seek it. I am anxious for what He holds in store for us. I am positive that it will further His Kingdom. I am a faithful follower.
God bless you for reading this. I pray for those faithful followers out there, and I also pray for those who haven't made that choice.
I am writing these words down out of pure pain this morning. I am also writing them out of pure hope. My wife and I have been blessed to be parents five times. I believe life begins at conception; "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb" as Psalm 139: 13 beautifully states. When we first became pregnant, no let me back this story up a few years, then I will get back to this.
I have been "faithfully following" one true God since my 7th birthday; November 30, 1975. My grandfather was a minister for 34 years; which has spanned most of the time I grew up. I didn't understand all of what my grandfather preached, but I do know he preached the truth. I loved him dearly, and I loved the Jesus he was preaching about even more. Somewhere between the cake, ice cream, and presents; I fell into my grandfather's lap and confessed that I wanted to follow Jesus for the rest of my life. We smiled. I'm sure Christ did too.
Growing up, life wasn't always easy for my brothers and me. My parents separated when I was 17, and I spent a couple years reeling from that loss of love between the two of them. They reconciled for six months, then eventually parted on peaceful terms. Yet, I still believed. I believed that God was in control; even in the middle of the pain of seeing two people I loved and cared for deeply hurt so terribly. He was still on the Throne.
Now, years later, I look at that time in my life as a personal test. I believe I passed. Sorry, Satan.
Upon graduation of college, I went to work at my grandfather's church. I was still trying to figure out where God truly wanted me to be, so I thought the best place I could have been at the time was home. God was right. It was the best place to be for those two months I spent at my grandfather's church in the summer of 1991. Soon after I returned home, my grandfather died of a heart attack. They said it was sudden, but I knew it wasn't. I knew that it was all in God's plan for my grandfather's life. Long before he took his first breath, God knew his days. He wanted me to spend that time with him.
The second reason, and one of the biggest happiness points in my life, was meeting Katherine Field. She was and still is a beautiful woman; inside and out. We married in 1993 along the Outer Banks. If you've never been there, I suggest taking a trip. It's a beautiful part of the Earth God chose for us.
In the summer of 1995, Kate and I found out we would finally be parents! As one of six children, Kate was prepared for its duty. As a brother of two, I wasn't. As soon as we heard the news, I began to pray for God to make me a good daddy. Five weeks after finding out the blessed news, we found out the hard reality of life. Our baby was gone. We were numb for a long while. We were numb to each other, but God was in control. He brought us closer together through our pain. He brought us closer to Him.
In the Spring of 1996, we found out again we were pregnant. Glory to God; He wanted us to be parents again! I was nervous and very scared. Kate was too, but we didn't let what happened the previous summer sway our faith in God's grace for our lives. Five weeks came and went, and we still had baby. We were a little more relaxed. Seven weeks came, and baby was gone. We couldn't believe it. Our dreams had not only been crushed, they were obliterated beyond what we thought was possible. Kate was ready to quit. I was ready to quit. God wasn't.
We did wait for a few years. In that time, we connected with our nephews and nieces. We thought we would be Aunt Kat and Uncle Jay-Jay for awhile. However, in the fall of 2000, we once again were asked to carry and love a precious child. This time, we waited to share the news. We waited, five weeks came and went We waited, seven weeks came and went. We waited, the first trimester came and went. Could this be it? We waited for something to happen. It did. Aaron James was born on April 25, 2001. A healthy baby boy; he came to this world with two guardian angels on his shoulders. He's never ceased to amaze Kate or me. I am his #1 fan; no wait, I think that title belongs to God.
We knew we wanted more children, but that thought of our losses was always in the back of our minds. We forged ahead anyways, and we had Grace Ann in 2003. Our baby girl, our beautiful little girl. There's something about daddies and daughters. I didn't know what it was; until she arrived. Flashing forward to 2005, Kate and I started noticing some changes in Grace. She wasn't eating. She was constantly tired. She would bruise easily. We thought she might have had anemia. We took her to a children's hospital. We later learned the earth shattering news. Cancer? Our daughter? Our 2-year-old child barely beginning her walk in life? The news devastated us. It shook our belief. Why would God allow a 2-year-old child to have such a painful diagnosis? Why would He let this happen?
I was shaken out of my depression by a fellow you all might know. I think you have heard his name. Rev. Billy Graham was speaking on TBN one afternoon shortly after we learned the news of Grace's potential future. He was preaching on, what else, grief, loss, and the love of Jesus Christ in our lives. I froze. I gave it all back to Him that day. In the next two years, I would need Jesus and Kate to get through that pain; my two rocks.
In July of 2007, we knew that Grace was going to be leaving us for Home. Twice last summer, we thought it was going to be it. Officially in August, we ran out of all options but prayer. So, we prayed with an overwhelming passion. I prayed for Grace's healing; one of which I knew wouldn't come in this life. But, I also prayed for her safe journey into Jesus' arms of love, and to the Heaven He has promised us all. She did make that journey; on September 7, 2007. She was surrounded by family, friends, hospital staff, her stuffed animals, and God. She was also surrounded by her piggy bank; including all 300+ pennies that she had collected in the two years since her diagnosis. To share the reason why pennies were important; have you ever heard that song, "pennies, pennies from Heaven..." Well, there you go. I still find pennies too lying on the ground. When I do, I pick them up. I place them in a piggy bank. I don't know why, but I just feel like I should.
Now on to today, and the real reason I am just so compelled to begin this "blog." We were blessed in early July with another pregnancy. Here we go again, we thought. Not even God would make us hurt for four lost babies, so we were positive this was going to be a full-term and healthy baby. This morning, I was shaken awake by my wife. She was crying. I just knew what had happened. We made a middle of the early morning telephone call to find Aaron a baby-sitter, and we left for the hospital. Baby #5; gone. In the middle of this grief journey I'm on, I have come to one realization. I can embrace my life, or I can run from it. I choose to embrace it. I choose to faithfully follow Jesus' plan and will for my life and that of my family's. I don't know how He makes His decisions, but I trust them. I trust Him. While my beautiful bride lies sleeping in her pain and heartache, I look to the future. I look to our future. I think we're done trying. I know I'm done trying. God can open that up again, but I know I won't seek it. I am anxious for what He holds in store for us. I am positive that it will further His Kingdom. I am a faithful follower.
God bless you for reading this. I pray for those faithful followers out there, and I also pray for those who haven't made that choice.
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