I heard a "?"

I was atop a ladder retrieving a tennis ball that had been thrown on the roof by the powerful right hand of my son. I began to climb down, when I lost footing and stepped on the ground sideways with my right foot. I don't exactly know the spelling of the sound I heard, but it wasn't a good noise. I fell to the ground and looked at my foot. It was already beginning to swell and turn color. I sat there for a moment on the ground before deciding on my next move. I decided to try to call for Kate. After a couple really loud shouts, she opened the front door and came looking for me. Her face drained as soon as she looked at me. Aaron came outside. His eyes opened wide, and he began to ask 100 questions in 20 seconds. With Kate's help, I was able to stand up; grabbing the railings on the front porch. I called the school to find a substitute, and I did what was probably the most idiotic thing I could have done. I convinced Kate that I could drive myself to the hospital. There was no immediate need for Kate to be delayed from school or for Aaron to miss the morning or day, so I pleaded with her to just let me drive myself. Well, I did; left-footed on the pedals. Now, with a horrible, throbbing pain to keep you company, you sort of become a difficult driver on the road. Winding country roads that are full of scenery this time of year just become your worst enemies. Looking back, I should have had someone drive me.

Long morning later, I have this wonderful cast leading up to my knee now. I'll have it for 4-6 weeks. The last time I was on crutches was college, so it's a bit of an adjustment again. However, I won the "cool story" award from some of Aaron's friends yesterday afternoon, so I suppose my injury has some worth in it.

My Beautiful Bride

All right, today has been a sad day for all of us, but I thought I'd try to at least find something to smile about today in the middle of that sadness. Well, I found it. My wife and I are celebrating 15 years on October 23rd, so you think she would have adjusted to my "mannerisms" by now. When it comes to driving, I am calm behind the wheel. My wife is...well, not. When it comes to time, I am punctual. My wife is....well, not. Yet, I am completely in love with this woman who drives 70 mph because she's running 10 minutes late.

Since Aaron is staying overnight at a friend's house tonight, Kate and I decided to have a nice relaxing dinner. On our way to the restaurant, a car pulled in front of us; forcing us to brake. You would have thought my beautiful bride just turned into Godzilla. What I always enjoy is watching her when something like that occurs. Instead of the normal profane language you might hear someone say in such a situation, Kate doesn't do that. She just sits there and starts tapping her foot, no words, just a steady tap on the floorboard. All of a sudden, if I do not take action against the "offense", it becomes my "fault."

"Aren't you going to pass him? He's going slow. We're going to miss dinner."

"Honey, the restaurant won't move. We'll be fine."

"When we get to a passing zone...."

"Honey, he's going the speed limit."

"Who goes the speed limit?" (with a slight smile)

"I'm not in a hurry."

"I am. We're late."

"How are we late when we don't have reservations? We'll get there when we get there." (a phrase my parents always used when we were kids)

"Well, we'll get there faster if we pass him."

All right, so the truck eventually parted ways with us, and I wasn't forced to pass him. After we finished dinner, I handed Kate the keys. "You can drive." She looked at me. "No, that's ok, you can drive," was her response. I love my wife.

Saying Goodbye

Kate and I attended the memorial for young Chaz this afternoon. I was able to read Matthew 11:25-30 and Psalm 34:18 with a steady voice, but I broke up completely when viewing young Chaz. I had visited the hospital on only about three occasions since his birth; two months premature. Seeing him this afternoon, without the overwhelming tubes covering his body, he looked so tiny. At the request of Deanna, Kate sang "Held" by Natalie Grant; changing the opening line to "two weeks is too little..." Amazingly, and because of God's love and power, she sang the entire song. After it was over, she was a mess, but she stood up there and sang such a beautiful song about hope and what it truly means to feel "held" by our Father.

Throughout the service, I kept bringing back up all these sad images in my head of Grace's funeral. Though much a blur, I do remember Charlie and Deanna coming to pray with Kate and me. Today, I stood with those same two people and prayed for God to grant them strength. I just can't shake that tiny coffin from my mind right now.

Just keep praying for Charlie, Deanna, and their family! Thank you.

The Comments That Make It Worth the Work...

Today while grading some test papers before heading for home, Clay (one of my former students) came walking into my classroom. He's now a senior and beginning to prepare for life out of high school. As we exchanged greetings, he sat down on one of the front tables and asked for my opinion on the subject of man's free will desiring to challenge God's path for our lives. I asked him why he chose to ask for my opinion, and he told me that of all the teachers he has had in his high school years, I was the only one who he thought generally kept an invested interest in his role as a Christian. Although I know that the entire staff is made up of amazing men and women for God, I will honestly say that it was nice to hear Clay say that. I "made him want to study his belief and faith more. It's not just believing, it's knowing WHY you believe it." I don't know how the hundreds of students I've taught over the years have felt about me while in my classroom and long after they left it, but I am proud that I have at least sparked the lightbulb for young Clay. That's why I stand up there every day for seven hours and speak to brick walls more often than not. One day, hopefully, those brick walls will crack and open up to wonderful seas of curiosity.


To stray completely from the above topic, I talked with Charlie and Deanna this evening, and they are so low, but they have so much faith in Jesus Christ. Pray for them, and pray especially for their empty arms tonight. Chaz's memorial will be Saturday. I am going to (hopefully) read a couple Scripture verses. I don't know how I'm going to find the strength to attend. Seeing Grace's small casket, I couldn't bear seeing one smaller. Just pray for Charlie, Deanna, and their family during this difficult time. Thank you.

I think we're going to do it!

Kate and I are going to write a letter to Shaohannah's Hope, an organization that helps couples with adoption. It was started with God's love and the desire of Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife, Mary Beth. I think this is where God is leading us right now. We don't have any clue where to start, so if any of you have information, I would be glad to read it.

If you also feel compelled to pray over my little private "procedure" ;) on the 10th, thank you in advance. It's the least I can do as a loving husband; even if it will hurt a little.

Today was "National See You at the Pole" day, and we were all out there this morning. It's just another way to say, "God is in control of everything down here."

I also want to ask for your prayers for a good friend of mine. He was my son's basketball coach last year. His 2-week-old son went to be with Jesus early this morning. I know this pain will be very tough, but I'm comforted in knowing that he is a Christian and knows exactly where his son is right now. I also firmly believe that little Chaz and my Gracie have already met. Gracie loved little babies, and I have no doubt that she is up there right now holding Chaz so very tight.

???

I titled this "???" because I can't really think of a good title. I woke up around 2:00 this morning from a dream. I couldn't get back to sleep after that for about an hour, so I laid awake and just thought of some things. A year ago at this time, I was still numb from Gracie's Homecoming. It's kind of hitting me again (thousandth time) that there will never come a day on this side of Heaven that I will see Gracie again. Compound that with the sadness for others who have been though the same losses, and I'm just in a "ditch" today. I blubbered my way through a couple songs today at church. I have so many thoughts running through my head that I just need a place to write them down. Early on in our counseling last year, Dr. Ronn told Kate and me that there will be days when you are smiling, laughing, and altogether wonderful. Then, there will be other days when you just don't feel that way, and that will probably go on that way for the rest of your lives. Today's the latter, and tomorrow might be the former. I don't know. It's just still strange to really think about.. It's been over a year, and it's still hard to imagine the future without Grace Ann. Here's this beautiful little girl, bubbling over with excitement in a photograph. She was so alive in all of those pictures, and now, all that's gone. Yet, God is good. He has a plan, and although I may question, I know He loves me.

Thankfully, there are projects around the house that are keeping me busy right now during the weekends, but the downtime is hard.

"Oh, look at that one! Wow, look at him!"

Yesterday, I helped chaperone Aaron's second grade class on a field trip to the North Carolina Zoo in Asheboro. It meant two hours of total time in a school bus with 24 excited and loud kids, but it also meant that I was able to spend a school day with Aaron. If you've never been to the NC Zoo, and you live a reasonable distance away, I suggest going. The kids had a wonderful time. The four boys I had in my group all walked through with wide eyes; it was great to watch their expressions. They have an area there called Kid Zone. I told Kate that maybe sometime next month (during their Halloween days), the three of us will go.

This was Aaron's favorite part

Amazing Love

Listening to "Amazing Love" on the radio on my way to work this morning, I just let the words soak into my soul. Alone in my car is one place I know I won't bother anyone with my poor singing, so I take advantage of the time there. It's strange this side of "one year" than the other; just because we can now sit there and say, "we were going through this last year at this time, and Grace wasn't here with us". Before the year mark, we weren't happy with what was happening, but at least our daughter was still alive. Today was Aaron's turn to shift into a "mood." He woke up not wanting to go to school today; which is rare for him. I have the ability to take time off to act as a chaperone with his class tomorrow on a field trip, so I hope this will bring some cheer.

Anyways, while listening to the radio this morning, I just began to praise and thank God again for all the wonderful parts of life He's given to me. I began to even praise him for the storms. Those stroms have molded me just as much, if not more, than all the happy moments I've had in 39 years. Before I walk into school, it's become a routine with me every day to lay a hand on one of the outside walls and say a prayer for the students and teachers who enter the building. It's something I first started doing for just my classroom several years ago, and it's just expanded I suppose. Today, I kept thinking of Philippians 3:12 which says, "not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." I am so excited that I have been a sheep in His flock for 32 years now. I also know that there are millions who have not made that decision, including a very close loved one of mine, and it breaks my heart to see His children turn away from Him. I pray for specific areas every night. I pray for my family. I pray for Christian values which are often lacking in leadership today. But, I also lift up those people who I know will spend an eternity separated from the One True God if something doesn't happen. They are living their lives completely on their own terms, and it hurts me to see that. I can't imagine how heartbroken the Father must feel every time one of His children says, "no thanks." I don't really know what all I'm trying to convey in this writing, I just really needed to write down some loose comments that I had floating inside my head today.

Pictures are Worthy, but Memories are Priceless

Dad

Dad's home from the hospital now. He has a bruised hip, a fractured wrist, a gash on his forehead, and a couple scrapes, but he's very lucky. He fell down the entire flight. God was with him. It could have been so much worse. Thank you for praying!

My golf partner

Golf has been part of my life from as long as I can remember. I can still recall being eight years old and begging my parents for that first real "adult" set of golf clubs. Until that time, I had been using "height adjusted" clubs that came from my father's old set. Basically, it was my father sawing off the ends of his golf clubs to save on money for a hobby that he wanted to make sure I would enjoy for longer than a month. I got my first set on my 9th birthday, and I was instantly drawn to play at every opportunity. Jack Nicklaus overtook Terry Bradshaw (Steelers were my team) as my sports idol. My first job was at a golf course. My first attempt at scuba diving came at a golf course lake; diving in to rescue "free" golf balls for my own personal use. Many of my summer days growing up were spent somewhere between the 1st tee and the 18th green, so it's only natural that I would want my son to experience the same passion for the game as I have for all these years. Right now, he's more excited to roam the course on the golf cart with me instead of worrying about a little round ball going into a tiny tin cup, but he loves to go with me to play a round. He sits there quietly while I hit the ball, and he'll give me a "wow, good one, daddy" even if I happen to slice it.

Today, we went out to play 18, and he putted a few times. He nearly sank a 10-footer actually; which drew the attention of a grounds keeper on the nearby tee. He was just so happy out there today, and his smile lights me up every time. I don't know if he'll ever be as serious or passionate about golf as I am, but I am just so glad that he and I can have that time to spend together.

That's My King!

Where were you?

That was the topic of conversation as I sat with my 10th grade classes today. The original question was "where were you on September 11, 2001? For pretty much all my students, they were sitting in a 3rd grade classroom somewhere. Being a history teacher, I frequently try to engage the kids in conversations that actually make them think about the world as it was; the world as it is, and the world as it may be; although I know that the concept of time is skewed in some young minds. Saying that, we actually had a very good conversation today; all my classes did. Because of the Christian environment, we were able to pray together for the men and women of New York City, the Tri-State area, Washington D.C. and for the families of those heroes whose airplane fell in Pennsylvania. We prayed for those emergency responders who arrived on the scene shortly after the attack and their families. We prayed for the men and women who are serving in the military right now; both here and overseas; for their families who have sacrificed so much. We prayed for the leadership of this country; not by name but as a whole. I have a couple kids whose parents are currently in Iraq or Afghanistan, and we prayed for that. I think it's absolutely incredible when young Christians come together in praise of His name. I love that, and that's part of why I love working where I do.

So, where was I on September 11, 2001? As I told the kids, I was at school. I was right in the middle of teaching when Kate called my cellular phone crying. She was at home with our then 4-month-old son, Aaron. I thought one of them was hurt. I can still hear her say, "something is happening in New York City!" A few seconds later, the principal came into my room. I found something to busy the students, and I followed him into the hallway. There, a group of teachers who had also been called out of their rooms was huddled together. Our principal at the time, a wonderful man of God, said he wanted to pray. It was in his prayer that I discovered what really was happening.

Going back into the classroom, I didn't know whether to tell the students or not about what had happened. I consulted with the principal, and we agreed that we would try to notify every parent first. I eventually told the class what was happening, as some were curious about the commotion, and then it was silence. Tenth graders are aware of their surroundings. They might not show it, but they know when something giant is happening. Obviously after I told them the news, the questions began pouring out. I found myself saying "I don't know" a lot that morning.

Panicked parents began calling the school. Some parents wanted to come get their children. We received permission to release school early, and we released at 12:30 that day. Although in North Carolina, we were far removed from the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, or the field in Pennsylvania; we felt the best place our students could be was at home with their families at that time.

As soon as all the children were on their way home, the staff had a prayer meeting in our lobby. We didn't know what was happening in our nation, but we praised His name anyways. In the days, weeks, months, and years since September 11, 2001; His name is still being praised. We don't know why, but we have faith in His control. As soon as I entered our house that afternoon, I hugged and kissed Katie and Aaron. I turned on my television, and I watched sadly with the rest of America. Where were you?

"My Family" by Aaron Tyler

I found this in a drawer this afternoon. This was actually drawn at a counseling session a few months ago. He was asked to draw his family. He drew a halo over Gracie's head and an airplane above her in the sky. The airplane was "taking her to Heaven."

Silas

Yesterday was a very hard day, but somehow seeing this face puts a smile on mine. Silas has been a member of this family now for over 9 years. He was there the day Kate and I brought Aaron home from the hospital. He was there when we brought Gracie home. He was there when we came home with tear-stained faces; knowing that our daughter would soon be facing the fight of her life. Shortly after Gracie died, he began sleeping outside of her bedroom door. He was waiting for her to return. Now, a year later, he still sleeps there. I sure do hope all dogs go to Heaven...

Only God

I want to begin by saying that I know Katie, Aaron, and I have felt the impact of every prayer that has been said to Him by others who have lifted up our family. With that said, it was only God who could have done this yesterday. One of the trees on the east side of the church that shaded some of the windows from the early morning sunshine was cut down last week due to poor condition. It was cloudy yesterday morning. However, three lines into "Homesick" on my guitar during offering, the sun broke through the clouds; casting a ray of light right on my guitar and me. I had my eyes closed at the time, but I could tell what happened. That's God right there. You can't convince me that was anything at all except God. A couple minutes after I ended the song, the ray of light vanished into a cloudy sky again. Is our Savior great or what!

September 7, 2007 Entry

In knowing I won't likely come here tomorrow....

September 7, 2007

8:32 a.m.; you've now been set free. Go get your wings, baby. I love you.

Daddy

This isn't possible. It just can't already be a year.

Tired, Homesick, Confused

Today was a tiring day for me personally. I walked over to Kate's classroom during my lunch, and I just closed the door behind me. Thankfully no children were present at the time, so I was able to just talk with my wonderful bride for a few minutes. It's coming up on a year now since Gracie went Home, and I'm starting to really feel the absence intensify lately. I want to just scream, "enough already, just give her back!" However, the part of my being that knows she is free from pain, from cancer, from having to endure the horrible chemo treatments; that part of me praises God for releasing her from all that. But, it's just the absence. I hate that absence. I've talked to parents who have laid their children in Gods' arms years ago, and they've said the absence is still there for them. In the song "Homesick" by Mercy Me (which I am actually playing in church this Sunday-the first anniversary of Gracie's Homecoming), it says, "how long must I wait to be with you?" I know I'm down here for a purpose that only God can truly see, but I am so Homesick and tired right now. Then, I look at another's life, and I think to myself, "as bad as it was to lose Gracie, I could have it like this..." and it makes me praise God even more that He is a God who loves us enough to allow us to be angry and confused; as long we do not doubt His plan. I wish I could stand here almost a year out from Jesus taking Gracie and say that I understand His plan, but I don't. I don't understand why He took my daughter. I don't know why He has taken millions of other babies around the world and will do so in the future. I don't know why Moms and Dads are out there right now kissing their children good-bye on this Earth. In a perfect world, I suppose, everyone would grow old. I just know I believe in His direction for my life, as blind as I may be to it, and I pray that when He greets me in Heaven, Gracie will be right by His side waiting for me.

"He's Got the Whole World In His Hands"

If you have children, you should know this song. If you've been a child, you should know this song. My son loves this song. He finally learned this song on guitar! He's actually picking up the guitar very quickly. We sit down for about 20 minutes each night and practice. He asks me, I don't ask him. I would secretly love for Aaron to pick up favorites; such as golf, photography, guitar, or football; but I will never put pressure on him to do any of those things. He's his own person, and whatever he wants to do or be in this life is fine with me. However, I was secretly grinning from ear to ear when he looked at me one day and said, "daddy, teach me guitar."

Besides just learning the various chords, "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" is the first real song he can play from beginning to end. Last night before bed-time, he picked his guitar up and said, "listen to this." Yes, he had a couple mistakes, but he did very well in his first solo attempt. Like all young learners, he would play a chord, pause to get his fingers set right, and then play another chord, but that's the first step. For those of you wondering, no, I'm not going to make a Tyler Family Experience. I promise that nothing will come from me when it comes to Aaron and music. He's seven. He's not Mozart. He's Aaron, and that will always be enough.

Who will work in His Fields?

My nephew, Isaac, will be a tremendous husband and father one day. I am convinced that he will be such a blessing to a very lucky woman. However, right now, he is set to be a tremendous blessing to a village in Botswana for three months beginning in January after graduation in December. Although he is a Volunteer and not a Tar Heel, he is the most generous young man I know. His heart is on fire for God, and he is not ashamed of the Gospel. His work might not show direct results right away, but he will be rewarded for it in Heaven; I believe that. I could not be more proud of him.

"There is peace and contentment in the Father's House today
Lots of food on His table and no one is turned away
There is singing and laughter as the hours pass by
But a hush calms the singing as the father sadly cries

My house is full, but my field is empty, who will go and work for me today?
It seems my children all want to stay around my table
But no one wants to work in my field, no one wants to work in my field

Push away from the table, then look out through the window pane
Just beyond the house of plenty lies a field of golden grain
And it's white unto harvest, oh, but the reapers where are they?
There in the house, oh, can't the children hear the Father sadly say

My house is full, but my field is empty, who will go and work for me today?
It seems my children all want to stay around my table
But no one wants to work in my field, no one wants to work in my field."