Ever have those days, or moments, that just send you to your knees? I woke up from a nap this afternoon to the sound of my daughter laughing. I could almost touch the sound. I woke up, went to the hallway, and closed my eyes really tight. I can see Gracie so clear when I close my eyes. Whenever I'm stressed, I close my eyes. I had them shut so tight, straining to hear the sound that I know I didn't really hear in the first place, that I started seeing different colors (ever have that too..). Nothing. The windchimes outside, the television downstairs, but not Gracie. I then got mad at myself for waking up so quickly. However, you can't live with your eyes closed. It's been 22 months. I was sent a video yesterday of a skit from The Skit Guys; a Christian duo who perform, well, skits. The video was called "The Mourning Booth". How many times I've sat in that booth in my short 40 years.. Anyways, after I opened my eyes to the empty hallway, I went back into the bedroom, bent down on my knees, and just cried. I really miss my daughter. It's not something that erases in time. It's just this part of my heart that hurts. Then I think about all the parents out there who are saying goodbye to their children right now, who will do so one day when they least expect it. How silly of me to wallow in my own pain and not realize the pain of others who are also walking down here with empty hearts. Too much is broken in this world, I can't wait for Heaven. I just want to reach out and touch His robes; just see His face, bend down in adoration before our King, kiss His cheek. For now, I reside in the reality of where He has placed me. Husband of an amazing woman. Daddy of an incredible son and one beautiful girl with angel wings. I have learned so much in the course of Grace's diagnosis, Homecoming, and nearly two-year journey since then, but I selfishly want her to walk through that door. The rational says that I can't believe I'd want my daughter back on this stained planet. The daddy in me just wants to see my little girl. Sorry for the mood of this message. I suppose I could leave you with a joke to make you laugh, but I'll instead leave you with this verse. 1 John 2:17, "The world and its desires will all pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever." God bless..

Ah, it's one of my favorite times of the year..

This is the second reason we're going to Nashville next weekend. This is Smokey, soon to be Titus Tyler. Say that five times fast! We are bringing him home with us next Monday. For those curious, we didn't just decide on another dog quickly. After Silas died, I didn't want another dog. However, friends of my brother's family had a litter of Weimaraners, and somehow, my sister-in-law convinced me that we should get one for Aaron. Kate and I debated the issue in Romania, and we decided to bring one home. Silas has to be smiling in doggy Heaven. He loved all dogs, but especially Weimaraners.

*Yes, I know he has big paws. That's the first observation Kate had.

Back in the Saddle Again

It feels good to wake up in your own bed, pour coffee from your own coffee maker, fry an egg on your own oven, hop in your own car, and drive to your own home church. The only real problem with all those statements is that all those things aren't really mine. They're God's, and He's giving them to me for use down here. It was a great sermon this morning at church; learning how to declutter ourselves to really focus in on what God is calling us to do. I had a great opportunity to do just that this past month. Welcome home cook-out at 5:00 with our families. So far, re-adjusting to the time difference hasn't been that difficult for me. Katie is feeling a bit differently about that. Aaron was wide awake at 2:00 this morning. It might take a few days, but we'll settle back into the routine again here. The three of us are going to Nashville, Tennessee next weekend to attend church with my brother Dan and his family. My nephew is being baptized, and we're going to celebrate the great news. So to quote an old cowboy, I'm back in the saddle again...

Home. Tired. Romania was incredible, but America is home. This is a wonderful country to come back to, even if its citizens disagree on some things. It's easy to find fault or failure until you live in another country for a few weeks. We have been incredibly blessed as Americans.

The next task is getting my room prepared for the upcoming school year. They actually moved me this year to a room down the hallway, so I had to pack everything when I left for the summer. That all starts the first week of August. I'm going to try to readjust my body after the seven-hour time difference for a month.

Kate's going to be back teaching Kindergarten this year. She missed it so much after taking leave for her surgery last Spring. So, another classroom to set up in a couple weeks.

Aaron's actually looking forward to school. He'll be in 3rd grade this year. It moves quick. He's excited to show his friends how his summer went, and perhaps that's part of the excitement for school to start.

So, life continues again on this side of the "pond". School starts in about a month, filling my days with "the Civil War happened in 1945 between Mexico and America" again!

I'm taking a lot of this trip home with me. The physical: a cut that has turned into a scar I received while trying to step off a stone wall after a picture opportunity the first day I was here. The emotional: tearing up while seeing these kids smile every time you just look at them. The spiritual: really watching God work through the love and compassion of the men and women who are working in these orphanages.

Most of all, I'm taking so many memories with me back to North Carolina. It's been such a blessing to have spent these last few weeks watching my son experience all of this. It's been great for both Kate and me to see how Aaron's continuing to be molded in His image. My personal highlight of this trip has been watching Aaron's reaction to all of this.

Busy day tomorrow..
Bucharest to Frankfurt..Frankfurt to New York City..New York City to home..it's going to be a long next couple of days. God bless..

Dear Jesus Loves Romania,

Thank you for letting me come to Romania this summer. It was so fun! I am now friends with a bunch of the kids. I don't want to leave. I will always remember everyone here. Thank you for showing James 1:27 and that says that we must look after the orphans and widows. Maybe some day I can come back and help again. Maybe I can come back when I am a grown up. I wish everyone here could come back with me. I am going to show everyone at school this year how fun my summer was! Thanks again!

Love,

Aaron Tyler

*He drew himself holding one of the kids at the bottom of the page, which I would have gladly shown you.....had I still had a camera... ;)

God bless..

Kate and I are helping Aaron create a thank-you letter to the JLR crew and the staff at this incredible orphanage. I don't want to be the father who is ever told his son doesn't say please and thank you, and it's a natural response that I want him to remember anyways. Earlier this evening, we started giving him some ideas of what he could write in his letter. We said he could say 'thank you for letting me come..' 'I learned a lot.." etc. He said, "or, I could say this.." running to grab his children's Bible. Flipping through, he finally knew one of the lines he wanted to say in his letter.

"Thank you for following James 1:27, and that says that we should look after orphans and widows." I didn't help him find the passage. He knows what the passage says and where it's at in the Bible without us having to help him. To himself, he sang the Bible book song he was taught in Sunday school until he came to the book of James. It made me smile, and I'd like to think it made our Father smile too. God bless.. I'll have to display the finished product here.

If you're a baseball fan, I'd say we're heading into the 7th inning stretch of this missions trip.

Closing in on the final lap..heading into the 4th quarter..I think you understand.

I have learned, and will undoubtedly continue to learn, so many incredible lessons while here in Romania. As a history teacher, I can't help but marvel at some of the buildings in and around Bucharest. As a Christian, I can't help but stand in amazement at this part of His Creation. As a daddy, I can't help but yearn for the young children I have met to have a loving and secure place to call home. This place has had such an impact on my life that it will feel strange leaving it. God bless..

And, I can't leave out my excitement at seeing Tom Watson co-leading the British Open. Aaron was heartbroken at hearing that Tiger missed the cut. He's his favorite golfer, but it would be great to see Tommy win this one come Sunday.

Aaron's not a tad sleepy, so for the past hour or so, we've been playing the "Tell me about.." game. Basically, I'm the one doing all the talking. His job is to say, "Daddy, tell me about..." Most of what he wants to know is from my childhood. "Dad, tell me about your first pet.." "Dad, tell me about how you got that scar on your shoulder.." (one of my many attempts at believing I was Superman) "Dad, tell me about when you first met Mom.." They are memories that he's likely heard before, but he enjoys hearing me tell them again.

In case you were curious..

My first pet was a little terrier named Terry (very unique, right?). Unfortunately, he was only with us for two weeks, and the reason why would fill up this page.

I have a scar the size of a nickel on my left shoulder. I was nine, and I tried to jump off the second story roof to a bed of pillows below (parents weren't aware of this at the time). I jumped, hit the pillows, and a stick. Knowing now how easily the stick could have pierced through my chest, I can't believe I was that silly.

I met Mom at a church function. I had just come home to work at my grandfather's church for the summer, and Katie was volunteering with a couple of her friends. That was the first time I saw her. The first time I became courageous enough to talk with her came much later.

Going to watch The British Open in person has always been a dream of mine. Unfortunately, this is likely as close as I'll ever get to one. I haven't picked up a club in about three weeks. For someone who usually doesn't go a week without at least hitting a bucket of golf balls, that's a lifetime!

This is helping me today, perhaps it might help you too.

Isaiah 55:8-11

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it."

God's working, if we can just get out of the way sometimes and just see what he's trying to do. God bless..

The Major League baseball All-Star game is tonight in St. Louis (although it's 5:00 a.m. on Wed. morning where I am right now). I remember watching the All-Star games growing up, always rooting for whatever team Sam rooted against. He was usually for the American League. I always rooted for the National League, and whatever beloved Cubbie happened to be on the team that year. Dad surprised Sam and I with tickets to the game in 1977. It was held in Yankee Stadium. Mom stayed home. Dan didn't, and still doesn't, enjoy baseball. His sport is football. He stayed home with Mom. Dad, Uncle Larry, Sam, me, and my cousins Bryan and Tommy drove from Winston-Salem, North Carolina to the Bronx, New York. We must have looked like quite a bunch driving along the highway. It was my first trip to Yankee Stadium, and yes, it was incredible. Every baseball fan should see a game inside Yankee Stadium; although the new stadium just can't ever be the same as the old one. The National League won that game. Johnny Bench signed my Cubs hat (which is ironic looking back), and the four of us kids got to have a conversation (albeit a 20 second one) with Carlton Fisk. It was a little boy's dream vacation.

Dad, Sam, and I drove over to Atlanta in 2000 for the All-Star game at Turner Field. It wasn't the same as that trip in '77. It was still baseball, but the players' approach to the fans had changed. There are still players who will mingle with the fans, but there are also too many of them who have forgotten us. It's sad, because my own son really enjoys baseball. I want Aaron to have those heroes that will walk over to sign a mitt or a baseball instead of walking past without a single glance.

Dad's in the hospital again. This time, he was found unconscious in his garage.

My nephew is struggling through July. He's apparantly becoming very quiet and secluded in his bedroom all day on the computer. My sister-in-law is doing everything she can for those kids right now.

I also got word today that the little brother of a friend of mine was wounded by an IED in Iraq. A man who used to chase his brother and me all around the neighborhood likely won't ever be able to walk again this side of Heaven. There are a million questions I am writing down to ask God one day. I joked to Kate once that I hope I'm the only one who dies on a given day, because I'm going to take a long time asking my questions.

Aaron and I are both running fevers today, which means no interaction with the kids. Kate, however, has found a couple she wants to have leave with us when we go. No news on our adoption process. It's just a waiting game. One day, God will show us when He's ready. God bless..

Ann, no camera. Perhaps some nice couple is recording their children's memories on it, I don't know. It sounds better than to say I was a typical tourist who did something silly, like lay a camera down for someone to steal.

It's late, very late, or is it very early? It's 1:00 in the morning, early then I suppose..

I've just had one of those conversations that leave you feeling wide awake but exhausted at the same time. Of course, this one was with my 8-year-old.

The topic; death. That's not really my favorite topic of conversation. It's not that it scares me, because death to me means waking up to an eternity in Heaven and with my little Gracie. It's just a conversation that I try to avoid for some reason. Aaron woke me up about an hour ago with twenty different questions. It didn't originate from a nightmare he had; he was just curious. We've had the conversation before, many times since Gracie became sick and then left us for Heaven. I'm trying to sit here and remember his questions.

He woke me up with the line, "daddy, I don't want to die." Now, in a deep sleep, those words sound like he's cut his leg open and is bleeding intensely or something, and it naturally jolted me in an upright position. That woke Kate up. The three of us sat talking for the next 45 minutes about this topic; this topic that makes a lot of people uncomfortable.

1. I don't wanna not breathe.

This was his biggest concern. He doesn't want the feeling of not breathing. I'm 40, and that thought stops me in my tracks sometimes; let alone dealing with that concept at 8.

2. I know I'm gonna go to Heaven, but it's wierd to think I'm not gonna be here someday.

Yeah, that's strange for me to really think about too when looking at it through my human eyes.

3. I don't want God to take you or Mommy and leave me here alone.

That was probably the gripping moment of the whole conversation. The Daddy in me wants to enter Heaven before my son. I can't handle losing another child. If God's not coming in our lifetimes, I want Him to take me before he takes Aaron. I even want Him to take me before He takes Kate. But, He's eventually going to take me Home. He's eventually going to take Kate Home. It's so difficult to explain to an 8-year-old that, yes, we will die eventually; barring God's return. The two of us tip-toed around this issue.

4. I want people to invent ways to make people live forever.

That's an 8-year-old's mind at its best.

5. What do you think happens to us the second we die?

I told him I had no idea. That was really the only answer Kate and I could give. We told him what we think might happen, but we don't know until it happens.

6. I'm scared of dying.

We told him that God will take away the scary part of dying, and he'll replace it with the beauty of Heaven.

This next question he got really quiet about before he asked it; studying my wife and I before saying anything, almost nervous to ask.

7. What if we're (Christians) wrong? Will I exist then?

Kate and I thought very carefully about how to handle this question. I don't think Aaron was doubting anything. I think he was curious. The reason I say this is because I asked him what he thought. He said, without a skip of a beat, "I have faith there's a Heaven, Daddy. But a lot of people don't, and what if they're right and we're wrong?" In all the conversations we've had about death over the years, he's never asked that question. But, he never swayed from believing that Jesus is real. I'm proud of him for that. That's a deep thought process for a kid.

It was just a very intense conversation that I didn't think I'd have at 11:00 at night with my kid. I don't know what spurred it on, but I just know that it's left me feeling wide awake. It's left the human in me looking at the clock; 1:00 now..soon to be 1:01..I'm 40 years old, 41 in a few months..Ten years isn't that long, right? Ten years, I'll be 50.. Twenty years, thirty years, was 1979 really 30 years ago? I'll be 70.. So now I'm wide awake and asking God to release my own anxiety. ;) God bless.

Life is running smooth through Jesus Loves Romania right now. The kids are such interesting blessings to get to know. Katie has fallen in love with a couple of kids in particular; one of which is nicknamed "Grace" after her survival story as an infant. We've been spending time here, as well as wandering around the city. Aaron likes both, but I think he likes the sightseeing more, so I've taken him out a couple of times on my own.

Here's the only problem so far..my camera..a very nice one I might add..was stolen on Sunday. I felt like such a Clark Griswold. I began rummaging in my mind all the pictures that were on the camera, not for the inappropriateness that Clark was searching for, but just thinking of all the identifying pictures that were on it.

I don't know how it happened. I didn't see who took it. I set it down. That was my first mistake. I set it down to tie my shoe. It sounds too goofy to even have happened that way, but when I looked up, nothing. My wallet was still in my pants; even though people say to avoid having your wallet in your back pocket. The only thing missing was the camera. I'm trying to have a good attitude about this bad situation. Perhaps some man or woman didn't have a camera and needed one to photograph some major event in his/her life, and he/she just happened to see mine... Or, the obvious..I've been robbed... The best news is that it's just a material possession that would have eventually rusted away anyways.

God bless..

Count Dracula's castle

You can create your own scary laugh. I don't have time. I have to tend to this little red spot on my neck. It almost looks like something bit me..

I'm about to eat breakfast with a special group of kids who were crazy enough to let me sit down with them and eat! My body's finally adjusting to the seven hour time difference, although I find that I am falling asleep around 7:30-8:00 here; which puts me back into the 1st grade school night routine.

Isaiah 12:4-5

Before I sleep for the night, I just wanted to share a passage I was reading from the book of Isaiah.

"Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he was done, and proclaim that his name is exalted. Sing to the Lord, for he has done glorious things; let this be known to all the world."

I can fall asleep to that piece of truth..God bless.

Pausing to remember that a year ago this week, Kate and I became pregnant with our fifth child, who we never met, but will always love. The son and daughter-in-law of a couple in our church just got their referral after a year of waiting. It's only been two months since our dossier was sent to China. I don't know how I can wait a year, but it's not really my decision. It's not really China's decision either. It's God's. I'll wait for Him to answer.

In the meantime, Aaron is falling in love with Romania and will be heartbroken when he has to leave. He told me earlier this afternoon (6:00 p.m. here right now), "Dad, God's as much in Romania as He is in North Carolina!" This is really opening his eyes at a young age. It's wonderful to see.