Odd feeling today

I woke up feeling lonely. My wife was in bed next to me. Aaron was in the room down the hallway. Jesus Christ is everywhere, but I just woke up feeling odd today. I told someone at work today, it's like I just need to hug Grace to shake this feeling. Knowing that I can't is what is keeping this feeling around today. I just want to reach down, scoop her up, and hug her tightly.

Our Hope for Heaven

A fellow colleague of mine and his wife lost their baby through miscarriage last night. During lunch today, I sat and talked with a couple of the other teachers about how we could comfort the family during this time. During our talk, my mind went back to Gracie. That got me thinking, and it's something that I brought up in our discussion. How on Earth can people survive this without knowing Jesus Christ? People face death and loss on this Earth every day. I don't know how they can walk through that without a personal relationship with God. We barely saw light on some days, but I know that God was in control and was holding us up. I can't imagine being in the dark and having to go through that grief. I couldn't survive that. It's just an observation I had today. If you're praying, pray for Rich and Paula today; as well as their 3-year-old daughter, Abigail. Kate and I are going to try to reach out in any way we can, but it will still be tough. God bless..

Parents, watch what you say

"I can't wait until you're grown." I have to admit, my parents might have said that a time or two while we were growing up. I was in Target this evening, browsing the toy section with Aaron, while Kate was shopping for all the supplies she knew we needed around the house. This woman with her two little kids caught my attention. One child looked around 3 or 4. The other was in a car seat in the shopping cart. The older of the two kept trying to touch everything, which honestly is the notion of half the kids in a toy aisle. After knocking a couple Tonka cars on the floor, the mother had enough. She looked at the little boy, with the face only a mother can give, and she grabbed his wrist while trying to turn the cart away from hitting Aaron and me. Whispering down to the little boy, she said, "oh, I can't wait until you grow up!" I didn't really take that saying as personal as Aaron did. After they left the aisle, Aaron grabbed my hand and whispered something. I couldn't hear it, so I asked him to repeat his words. He said, "that's mean to wish that on her kid, cause some kids like Gracie don't get to grow up. She should enjoy liking him when he's little, cause he's gonna grow up and she's gonna wish he was little again, right Dad?" Holding back a few tears, I agreed with him. He kept hold of my hand for a couple more minutes, then he ran over to the games section. I was left knowing that my son learned something from that mother, even if it was just that she shouldn't have said what she said. I knew she didn't mean those words. But, I knew Aaron thought she did, and that's why it's so important to watch what you say around your kids.

Some comments just make the day

Katie went to dinner tonight with a friend who is in town visiting her parents as well as one of her fellow teachers. In fact, she's still there. Tonight, while getting Aaron settled for bed, it was a chaotic event. He knows which buttons on me to press that will get him a few minutes extra "awake time". Finally, about 15 minutes ago, I got him in bed and saying his prayers. After his prayers, he looked at me and said, "Daddy, you must really love me to put up with trying to get me to sleep all the time!" Classic line, classic moment. I'm happy to report that Aaron's quietly asleep, and I have that wonderful moment kept for memory.

Yellow Belt, Hope

All in the span of a few minutes, my son went from white belt to yellow belt. I got there just in time to see his test for the belt. I can't believe how skilled some of those kids are in the art of karate. I would look like a flailing goose out there on the floor.

We're still optimistic that we will be approved for adoption. It's the waiting process that we just want over. However, I have hope that God is in control of that ultimate decision.

We're all missing Gracie today. Aaron is getting ready to start a family project for school in March. He'll do a family tree, timeline, etc. It just makes us sad but hopeful for Heaven. God bless..

Falling on this verse today..

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid. John 14:27

Do not let your hearts be troubled; I'm really working on that one today. Dad is back in the hospital again today. He had another "blackout." This time, it happened in the car. Fortunately, he wasn't driving. I'm trying to just remember John 14:27. He is with me. God bless..

Just some thoughts tonight

I've just this elsewhere tonight already, so I apologize in advance if you happen to read this twice. I just wanted to let you onto a little secret. Letting go of a child to the Kingdom of Heaven is painful and depressing; even if you know where she is right now. Cleaning out her room is just another nail of reality that gets pounded into your heart. She's gone. She's waiting for you to come Home, but she's never coming back to your home on this Earth. No one should tell you how or when to clear away the material possessions. There's no set time. There's no method of clearing her room. No matter when it happens, when you decide to do it, it stings. It stings, and words can't heal the wound. Some words just make it worse. That's my thought for tonight. God bless..

Tonight's Agenda

Every couple of months, we have a church-wide meeting. Several different parts of our church are discussed. I, being the music director/leader/"music guy", was in charge of conducting our part of the meeting tonight. It's an area that many churches struggle with; trying to find the right music that fits everyone in your congregation. We aren't a mega-church. I have no issues with mega-churches, but I love the little country church my family and I attend. I've tried those huge churches in my lifetime, and they're just not for me. Our church is generally made up of families. Within those families are a few teen-agers. They have "their type of Christian music." I've heard everything from Sanctus Real to dc Talk in my time as music director. I never turn away someone who comes up to me and says, "hey, J.B., could you play this song some Sunday?"

We also have several older individuals in our congregation. Having grown up on the Gaithers and all the old hymns, I can relate more to them musically. Personally, if you asked me to sing "Just a Closer Walk with Thee" or some Christian rock song of today, I'd choose the former. But, I'd never admit that because worship comes in many forms. And, that's the problem with a lot of churches today; that I've seen and been associated with in the past few years. It's not the Sunday sermons, it's the music. I don't understand it. I sat there today and listened to a man I have respected for years (and still do) talk about how he doesn't want to see change in the music ministry. "The young kids should learn to respect these old hymns." I wouldn't use the word respect in that case, but I do agree that there is a generation of young Christians who've never really listened to the words of those old hymns carefully. In turn, I fully believe that there are some older Christians out there who could benefit from watching a 17-year-old kid completely lose himself in our Lord while listening to a Christian rock song.

In the end, it's not the music that really matters. Music is a great ministry, but there are so many people who treat it as if it should be a personal preference. I'm convinced that if I were to play every song that every member of our congregation wanted to hear on Sunday morning, I'd still be standing on the stage.

I wanted to desperately tell a couple people tonight, "look, the music is not about you. It's never been about you. It's about Him. And, who cares if we're lifting up our hearts to the rhythm of Third Day or the rhythm of the Gaithers, just as long as we're lifting them up?"

Strangest Thing

Kate, Aaron, and I visited Gracie's grave today to be with her there on her birthday, and Aaron suddenly said, "Dad, look!" I looked at him, who was pointing to the sky. I looked up to this..



Two things crossed my mind.

1. Those people have to be freezing!
2. Thank you

Gracie wanted to fly in a hot air balloon one day. We told her once that, as a birthday present one year, we'd take her flying in one. We'll never have that opportunity. Seeing that fly off in the distance completely made my day. And that is just one of the reasons that I haven't any doubt that God and Heaven are extremely real.

6th birthday

Today, at 4:51 this morning, Gracie would have turned six years old. Happy birthday, Tigger.. I thought the second birthday would be a bit easier to handle. It's really not..

Valentine's Day

For the day, a memory..

1994, our first Valentine's Day as a married couple. We were supposed to go to Gatlinburg, TN. Since the holiday fell on a Monday, we decided to make a nice vacation out of the weekend. We were going to drive there, leaving on that Thursday. Wednesday evening, Kate had horrible abdominal pains. They got worse throughout the night. We went to the emergency room; appendicitis. We never made it to Gatlinburg...

Thankfully, the rest of our married Valentine's Days have been a bit less stressful. She still has her tonsils...I'm just waiting on that one...

Those families

I didn't watch television this morning, so the news of the airplane crash in Buffalo, New York didn't reach my ears until the commute into work today. After hearing about it, words of my grandmother crept into my mind. "Whenever you hear of someone's sadness, immediately stop to say a prayer for them." I pulled my car to the side of the road and prayed for those 49 families who are beginning this day in such grief. God, I pray you wrap Your arms around them.

2/12 Scripture

"I will never leave you nor forsake you.." Hebrews 13:5

This is the verse that is really speaking to my heart today. I just wanted to invite you into what I've been thinking about for the past few hours. God bless.

Boys' Night-In

Aaron and I have the house to ourselves tonight; for at least a few hours. Kate's going with a group out for dinner tonight, so I get the evening duty. Last time, we got caught staying up a tad bit later than normal bedtime, so I've been put on "high alert". For some reason, dear old Dad is easier to stretch the limits on than Mom. ;)

Prayers for Romania trip

Aaron, Kate, and I were going to go to Romania for 10 days in late June/early July to work with a family who has been living there for the past two years. This morning, I got word that it could be possible to stay there up to a month; which would make it late June to late July. That's our prayer request now; that we would be doing His will, and that it's what He wants. I know I can leave this place for a month to go help those who are in need, but it's more difficult trying to judge Kate's impression. We would have Aaron with us, and I don't know if Aaron would take a month away from home. I'm trying to "feel this out." We all agreed to 10 days. We didn't agree to a month. If you don't mind praying, just pray that He'll reveal His plans for this trip. God bless.

Seventeen months

Today marks 17 months since Gracie went Home. It also marks 17 months of missed smiles, laughter, hugs, kisses, and all the ordinary events in life that I completely took for granted until we found out she had cancer. That diagnosis changed everything. Last night, Kate and I were talking about what we thought Gracie was doing that very minute in Heaven. She said she thought she was wearing her tutu and dancing at the feet of Jesus. I said I thought she was cloud hopping with the other angels. Whatever she is doing up there right now, I pray that Jesus is holding her tightly until the day comes when He takes me Home, so I can hug her again.

Gracie's dresses

Grace loved to wear dresses. She used to put one on, find some of Kate's high heels, then strut around our bedroom saying she was pretty. Kate is working on a project with assistance of a friend that is combining fabric from all of the dresses of Gracie we kept, and she's putting them into a quilt. She took the day off today, and I got updates throughout the day on any progress. I think it will be a beautiful work of art once complete!

Have you ever had the call...?

I got a call today that said to come to the elementary office. Kate got the same call. Why? Aaron was hurt at recess. His forehead apparantly isn't strong enough to withstand a face first fall to the floor (not meant to be a tongue twister there). He was sitting at the nurse's office bleeding into a towel, waiting for us to rescue him. It was easier for me at the time to take him to the doctor instead of Grace, so I took my little guy out of school and to the doctor. Six stitches; the kid's incredible. He told me while they were stitching him up, "it's ok, dad. I'll be ok." Thank you, God, for my son. He's an amazing boy.

Random Acts of Kindness

I paid for a man's coffee this morning that appeared like he could have easily paid for it himself. On my commute into work, I stopped to make sure a stray country dog made its way across the road without trouble. After school today, I had a short meeting with the father of one of my students. He stopped in to talk about his son's progress in my class. The boy is smart, but he's not applying his full potential; which is what I told the father. Starting my car to leave school a few minutes later, my engine wouldn't even click. My car quit on me. The father, the one who just listened to me tell him about his son's lack of effort, helped jump my battery. It came around full circle, and I believe that God had His hand in it the entire time.

6th Championship!

The Cardinals had me fooled into thinking they would make a tremendous comeback win, but Holmes saved the day for the Steelers. Aaron was sitting next to me asleep for the last three minutes of the game. As soon as Holmes made the catch, I woke him up. I thought he had to watch the end, and the two of us sat there with smiles on our faces as the Steelers won a record 6th Superbowl! The first two people I had to telephone after the game; my brothers. They like the Jets and Redskins; silly guys.

Steel Curtain

Terry Bradshaw was my football idol growing up. Franco Harris was a superhero. Mean Joe Greene was a legend. Tonight, I'm going to get those same goosebumps I had as a kid, watching my team play in the Superbowl. My brothers were Jets and Redskins fans. I was a Steelers fan. Aaron's a Steelers fan. God bless Kurt Warner; I love his walk with Christ. However, tonight, it's our night!