Someone's Missing

Twenty-four relatives in the house right now. I've zoned in on the one that's missing. :(

Goodbye 2008!

I have been just a bit "blue" today. I don't like using the word depressed. But, in the midst of my own confusing feeling today (best way to describe it), I thought I'd share some of what my family and I have done ever since I was a kid. Every New Year's Eve, my parents, brothers, and I would write down the best thing that happened to us that year. We'd also write down the worst thing that happened. Last New Year's Eve, the worst thing that happened to me in 2007 was watching Gracie enter Heaven. However, if I really think about it, if Gracie had made her list, she might have said the best thing about 2007 was meeting Jesus. It's interesting to try and grasp.

So, for 2008, the best part of the year was watching Katie go back to teaching Kindergarten. She's an amazing teacher, and her students are blessed.

The worst part of 2008 was seeing my father-in-law be diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease and my father be diagnosed with Diabetes. To see such strong men be told such sad news, it was heartbreaking to all of us.

I have also tried my best to get my finger around being thankful. It's easy to be thankful for everything good that God has given, but it's hard sometimes to be thankful in the tough times. When the condition is not what you want, it's simple to just say, "all right, God, I want it my way now. Enough with your will, I don't like this ride. Let me off."

For example, I am thankful that Jesus gave us four years with our daughter down here. I am not thankful for the cancer, the condition, but I am thankful for Him giving us four years with our little Princess.

As I get frustrated with thinking about the future of my father-in-law and father, it's easy to get bitter. It's easy to say, "God, why this?" But, I am thankful. I am thankful that God has given me two strong men to help me show Aaron how to be a man of God. I'm thankful that Aaron's able to spend time with his grandparents.

When I get overwhelmed with thinking about 100+ sophomores walking in and out of my classroom every day, I am thankful. I'm thankful that He has put me in a position to be an impact in those young lives. I'm thankful that He has given me the ability to teach, to help them see the plans He has for them.

On this New Year's Eve "Eve", I just hope you're thankful. No matter the circumstances, the conditions, the situations, try your best to find ways to thank God for all He's done for us. If you can't find it by looking at your own family or life, then just take a look at the cross. I know you can find it there. Have a wonderful New Year's.

Christian Education Conference

Oh, I don't know if I'll be able to handle the conference this year. It's in Colorado Springs, CO. I suppose I'll have to suffer through the conference. Oh well..

(For some, this might appear that I'm complaining. For some of you who know me too well, you sense the sarcasm in my words. I love snow skiing. Going to Colorado for this conference is like surfers getting to visit Hawaii).

The conference runs from January 18th-21st. Kate and Aaron are staying home. I'm flying out on the 17th, and I'll be home on the 22nd. I'm going to try to ski while I'm there. I haven't been skiing in Colorado in years. It's probably changed a bit since the last time I was there.

The Little Caterpillar

"Looking outside of my window
I saw a little caterpillar
The caterpillar said to me
One day a butterfly
I will be."

We were looking through boxes in my mother's basement yesterday, and this poem found me. It said 1980 on the back of it. I would have been 10 or 11. Ah, to be that young again!

Merry Christmas, and a visit from Santa..

I remember once as a little boy running downstairs at 12:01 Christmas morning, seeing an empty floor beneath the tree, and thinking, "Santa skipped us!" Thankfully this year, Santa has just come to our house. Santa was a tad bit clumsy this year, however, dropping a breakable present down the chimney, upsetting Mama who gave Santa a stern warning about being careful. Remember that, Santa! Have a wonderful Christmas everyone, and God bless you all. Thank you for keeping us in prayer. I'm sure when we wake up in a few hours, the reality will set in in full, and we really can feel your prayers!



Best present ever; and I still have it too.

Twas the Night Before Christmas

Every Christmas when we were young, we would generally go to listen to my grandfather's Christmas Eve sermon, shuffle out afterwards to my grandparent's house, then eventually gather around his reading chair to listen to him say the words to "Twas the Night Before Christmas." We'd open presents from our grandparents, have dinner, then rush home to fall asleep before Santa Claus skipped our house. I really miss their house on Christmas Eve. I miss it every year. There's something about grandparents at Christmastime. Now, Kate, Aaron, and I go to my mother's house for Christmas Eve. Thankfully, time has healed the wounds of divorce enough to allow my father and step-mother to join us. It's something they have tried to do in the last few years, especially once my brothers and I had our own families. We still say "Twas the Night Before Christmas," every Christmas Eve, and although I love my father's voice reading the lines, it's my grandfather that I hear in these words.

Twas the Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of sugar plums danced in their heads.
And Mama in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap.

When out on the roof there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the shutter, and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
gave the lustre of midday to objects below,
when, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles, his coursers they came,
and he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

"Now Dasher! Now Dancer!
Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid!
On, Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch!
To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky
so up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
with the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
the prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head and was turning around,
down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes--how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
and the beard on his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
and filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight,

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Poem

I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below,
With tiny lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow.

The sight is so spectacular
please wipe away that tear
for I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
but the sound of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you
of the joy their voices bring
for it is beyond description
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart
but I'm really not so far away
we really aren't apart.

I can't tell you of the splendor
or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas
with our Savior face to face?

I'll ask him to lift your spirit
as I tell him of your love
so then pray for one another
as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your hearts be joyful
and let your spirit sing
for I am spending Christmas in Heaven
and I’m walking with the King.

I was given this poem last year at Christmastime, and it's on our refrigerator door this year too. I've since given it to three families I know whose relatives have gone Home this year. Jesus took a sister, a spouse, and a newborn son. But, what He left behind, was the Truth that we will all see our loved ones again, and we will spend an eternity with them. I keep telling myself this, probably so I can make it through some days, that my Gracie's four years on this Earth is nothing compared to an eternity in Heaven.

One Solitary Life

I can't get through the Christmas season without hearing this amazing piece. One of the youth in our church read it yesterday morning.

"He was born in an obscure village, the child of a peasant. He grew up in another village, where he worked in a carpenter shop until he was 30. Then, for three years, he was an itinerant preacher.

He never wrote a book. He never held an office. He never had a family or owned a home. He didn't go to college. He never lived in a big city. He never traveled 200 miles from the place where he was born. He did none of the things that usually accompany greatness. He had no credentials but himself.

He was only 33 when the tide of public opinion turned against him. His friends ran away. One of them denied him. He was turned over to his enemies and went through the mockery of a trial. He was nailed to a cross between two thieves. While he was dying, his executioners gambled for his garments, the only property he had on earth. When he was dead, he was laid in a borrowed grave, through the pity of a friend.

Twenty centuries have come and gone, and today he is the central figure of the human race. I am well within the mark when I say that all the armies that ever marched, all the navies that ever sailed, all the parliaments that ever sat, all the kings that ever reigned--put together--have not affected the life of man on this earth as much as that one, solitary life."

*Attributed to Rev. James Allen Francis.

The Thing About This Second Christmas

This second Christmas is not much different than the first; it's just now it's been fifteen months and not three. I had a horrible morning. Aaron stayed overnight with a friend last night. Katie went shopping this morning. I was alone with my thoughts, and that apparantly wasn't a good thing today. I went into Gracie's bedroom, locked the door, and just began talking (or debating) to God. I love God with my entire heart. I believe in his Word, his salvation for us, his creed, but I was just confused this morning (and alone in the house). I yelled up at Him, "You gave her to us, and You just took her away! You just took her away! I want her with You, God, but not right now! She should be opening presents! She should be teasing her brother! She should be here, right now! So why isn't she?" I just begged and pleaded, yelled and questioned. I never cursed. I never questioned His validity. I just needed to have that 40 minute span of time to say what I wanted to say. You know what happened? Nothing. God doesn't always answer you. It's not that He doesn't care. It's not that He's hidden or absent. Sometimes, the answers come in the silence. Sometimes, they come later. I know He still loves me. I still love him. I just wish I knew the answers. I hope to find those out one day.

My Own Christmas List

Beginning a couple months ago, Aaron began preparing a Christmas list for Santa Claus up at the North Pole. He wanted to get his in early "just in case a lot of kids want the same thing." He's completely into those V-Tech and Leapfrog games. There was some giant dinosaur that he saw at Target that he wanted. Personally, I thought the thing would scare a child. So, Santa's been busy these last couple of months trimming down Aaron's list. With Christmas less than a week away, I thought I'd present my own list. This is a list of wishes, desires, items that won't come true, and some that hopefully will sometime in the future.

-Gracie to walk through that door right now
-Kate to be a Mama again
-Aaron to continue to let his innocence completely transform me
-Parkinson's Disease to leave my father-in-law alone
-My parents to get back together (It's been over 20 years; I think that's impossible. It's just a son's wish.)
-That somewhere in China there is a little child waiting for us to bring him/her home OR there is a mother who will be forced to make the largest decision of her life, which will completely change ours
-Charlie and Deanna to have their little Chaz back in their arms again
-Steven Curtis and Mary Beth Chapman to have their little Maria back in their arms again
-My students to grow into amazing young soldiers for Christ
-Our newly elected President to have the wisdom that only God can give him, to listen to His Truth, and govern accordingly
-My nephew to serve the Lord well through missionary work in Asia this Spring
-My brother, Dan, to realize that life is moving quickly, and his kids aren't young forever (Dan, I do hope you read this)
-My father's tests to come back negative
-To walk the farm with my grandfather again and hear him preach His Gospel
-To hear my grandmother sing again
-For Mike and Gayle's granddaughter to continue to grow in strength
-For Jake to return home safely from war
-For people to look at me and say, "I want to know what he's all about. Tell me about Jesus."
-For Jesus to come back soon

Three positives and a negative

If you walk into my classroom toward the end of a class period, you will likely see this little "game" I play with my students. I have to admit, I stole the game from another teacher. But, I think it's an effective tool.

Before the students leave the room, they must tell me four things. They must tell me three positives about class that day, whether it relates to the subject content or even my teaching that day. They then must give me one negative, and again, it can be over anything that pertains to my class or its subject matter. I think constructive criticism and continuous feedback is good for a teacher. It's worked for me. I've taken it outside the classroom too. During dinner, Katie, Aaron, and I share three positives about the day and one negative. Katie and I use the quirky game as a gauge of each other's emotions that day, and Aaron just thinks it's fun to play. If you've never done it, just try it. In this world, there are a lot of positives. There are also a lot of negatives. You shouldn't have any trouble.

My three positives-

Out of all my classes today, only two students had less than a C on a pop quiz. (This is worth celebrating)

I got to eat lunch with my beautiful bride today.

While I still go to school tomorrow, there won't be any students.
(I love my kids, but I also love Christmas vacation)

My one negative-

I came home, and Gracie wasn't here.
(I'll tell you the truth, that's my negative on most days)

Random Ramblings

My wife says I ramble sometimes. I don't think I do, but if this appears like I am, I apologize in advance.

Yesterday, Aaron stayed home from school with a cough, a runny nose, and a fever. His father (me, if you aren't aware of that by now) stayed home with him. While he slept, I caught up on some of my reading. I've read this particular work cover to cover a couple times in my life, and I always find something new and wonderful in its pages. If you're wondering, or perhaps taking a guess, it was the Bible. In particular, it was the New Testament. I read it all, Matthew to Revelation. I think I needed to read it again yesterday. Jesus has so much love for His children. I am just a man, but to Him, I'm a wonder. I'm a marvel. I'm His creation. The same can be said about the beggar on the street. Circumstances in life don't make Him love us any more or any less; because He created us all in His image. I'm really struggling this holiday season with missing Gracie and wanting her to see all the beautiful Christmas lights, open all the wonderful presents, and just to be here again. But, she's got a wonderful Christmas in store for her up there. I know that because He is a loving God, who adores His children. He's a better Father than I will ever be, and she's in tremendous, perfect Hands. I keep reminding myself of that when I am lying awake at night and wiping the tears from my eyes. I keep reminding myself of that when I walk into Gracie's bedroom (which will always be her bedroom). I keep reminding myself of that when I am on my knees in desperate prayer to Jesus Christ. She's in great Hands. She's in perfect Hands. All right, was that rambling?

The Answer is No

It doesn't get easier the second Christmas as opposed to the first Christmas. It's still there. Don't ask me if it gets easier. Don't ask me if I'm better this December than the last one. I'll save you the trouble, the answer is no.

Hopefully not sounding selfish, I would like for you to just keep in prayer something that is happening over Spring vacation this year. A group of men and I are going over to Africa again. This time, we're going to restore one of the hospitals that was damaged last August in a fire. We'll also have an opportunity to share His good news to some who might not know or accept it, so we're looking forward to continuing to spread His Word. Thank you in advance...

Ten Things about Grace

Can I just name ten? No. I can name a million and still have room for more.

1. She was a good singer. She was off key to human ears, but she was right on pitch to God's. We'd listen to Veggie Tales in the car, and she'd say from the back seat, "daddy, crank it up!" She'd wiggle her body, and let "I Love My Lips," (a silly song by Larry, if you're unaware) fly out of her lips.

2. She loved to collect pennies. This is something that happened shortly after her diagnosis. We found a penny on the sidewalk one day, and she picked it up. She later put it in her penny bank. After that, she picked up any and every penny she found, and people began giving her pennies from different years. She eventually ended up with at least one penny from every birth year in our family ('68, '69, '01, '03). She thought that was funny.

3. She loved bedtime. I don't know too many kids who love bedtime, including Grace's brother. We would snuggle with her for a few minutes, Katie would hold her hand, and I would create a story or play some music. She'd drift off to sleep and to dreams that didn't involve doctor's visits or chemo.

4. She wasn't afraid of anything. I don't like snakes. She handled one at the zoo. I don't like heights. She loved the mountains. She didn't mind spiders and chased after frogs. After becoming lost in Target one time, Kate and I naturally become scared. Grace; when we were called to get her over the loud speaker, she was sitting on a register smiling at us.

5. She lost her hair, but you'd never know. Of course, physically, you could see it. However, she didn't see it at all. My father-in-law is bald. In Grace's mind, she was like Papaw.

6. She let me be her hero. Unless you have children, you have no idea how exciting and wonderful that feeling is of being a superhero again.

7. She was funny. I could laugh without having a reason for doing so, and I did that a lot with her. She loved knock-knock jokes, even though she didn't understand half of her punchlines.

8. She loved to color. My classroom at school is full of my childrens' designs. I have Aaron's baseball diamond, with me as the pitcher and him as the batter. I have his dinosaurs (which still are his favorite). I also have Grace's flowers, butterflies, rainbows, and trees. A lot of those pictures are ones she colored from the hospital. One in particular was the last one she drew. It's framed, and it's not coming down.

9. She wanted to be a "Silas doctor" when she grew up. We call it a vetrenerian. She called it a "Silas doctor." She loved animals, and they loved her. After she went Home, Silas knew she was gone. It took him a long time too to adjust to her absence.

10. She will always walk with me. She was here for four years, and to think of a possible forty years without her here is painfully sad, but I know where she is right now. I will get to spend an entire eternity with my little girl. I can get upset and grieve over the four short years I spent with her, but those four short years are nothing compared with the eternity that awaits me. The first and last few minutes of my day are the most difficult. In the morning after I awake, my mind wakes up and says, "hey, she's not here today." I recite a couple Scripture verses to myself, and that's how I get going in the morning. At night, right before my eyes close, I miss her again. My mind again tells me, "hey, she wasn't here today." I recite those same Scripture verses, and I fall asleep. That's what gets me through the night. However, even when it's difficult, I know Jesus Christ is standing there holding my hand and guiding me along the way. He is holding Grace right now, and He is telling me it will work out for His Kingdom. Some days, it's a struggle. Some days, I can close my eyes and relive her last day. But, I can also close my eyes and picture what that scene will be like; Jesus reaching for my hand, Grace hugging me around my knees. That's the picture I'm holding on to for life.

Hello 40s!

In honor of my 40th birthday yesterday:

Welcome to my body, 40s. The 30s weren't always so kind to it, so I don't have my hopes up for anything different during your visit. I hope you prove me wrong. I would like to live long enough to meet the 50s, but if you are my last decade, I know exactly where I'm headed, so I don't fear my future.

So 40s, please be gentle to me.

Goodbye 30s!

You have brought me three children, one I never met, one Jesus is holding now, and one that is helping to prepare a "secret party" for me tomorrow. Shhh, it's supposed to be secret! ;)

You have brought me a decade worth of happiness with my wonderful wife.

You have brought me pain, joy, sadness, happiness, grief, pride, and continued Truth about His Word.

But today, 30s, I bid you farewell. Thank you for your visit, but the 40s come into town tomorrow. As did the single digits, the teens, and the 20s, we too shall part. Thank you for your wonderful companionship for 10 years. I will miss you.

What I'm Thankful for..

I thought I'd take a couple minutes away from the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade viewing party with Aaron to come on here and just be thankful. Tonight, around 5:00, our families are going to come together in the traditional Thanksgiving Day meal, but my thankfulness is not just for the turkey, dressing, yams, or mashed potatoes. So, here is my "thankfulness list."

I am thankful for...

-My Lord and Redeemer, Jesus Christ, that He created this universe, and He still cares enough about me to number the hairs on my head.

-Him placing me into my family. I have learned so much from my parents, all the great life lessons, and I couldn't have asked for better "partners in crime" than my two brothers.

-Him bringing Kate into my life. I have no doubt that it was His plan, not just coincidence.

-15+ years married to a beautiful and amazing woman, who sees the fact that I sometimes leave the milk out on accident when I'm in a hurry, and she loves me anyways.

-My three little treasures I never got to meet, but I love them dearly.

-My son, Aaron, who makes me laugh for no reason, and whose curiosity and wonder for life I hope never fades.

-My daughter, Grace, who is waiting for me to come Home. He gave her to us to teach us a lesson about His mercy and love, I'm sure of it. She's the first thought I think of when I wake up, and she's the last thought I think of when I go to bed. She will forever walk with me until the day that He calls me to Heaven, and I can see her face again.

-Being an American. I have been to several countries in my lifetime, and I am always proud to come home. This country isn't perfect, but it's such a beautiful land.

-Being a teacher. I remember being a young kid and thinking of some ways I could leave my mark on the world. This is it; I'm doing it.

-Having humility. My grandfather is one of the biggest teachers of this topic for me. It's not mine. It's never been mine. He's lending it to me. In a few minutes, Kate and I are going to take Aaron to a homeless shelter to serve Thanksgiving meals for its residents. It's important for him, and us, to see that we can help. We can serve. We can answer His call.

I was talking to Katie last night before we fell asleep (although I think she was half asleep when I was sharing my thoughts), and His Word was rolling through my head. Through the economic crisis, the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, the morality wars being fought, it's easy to stumble in your thankfulness to God and to get lost while trying to count your blessings. However, it's not about that. It's about His death on the cross. It's about his salvation for us who believe. It's about reaching out for His hand and holding onto His love for us. He is stronger than Nasdaq. He is mightier than Dow Jones. It's His world, and we have that to be thankful for this holiday season. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

My Nephew

My nephew, Nick, has finally proposed to his Cinderella. I wish the two of them a beautiful life together, serving each other while also serving our Creator. I can't believe he's grown up. When did that happen? He was always the little guy trailing behind me and under foot. Congratulations, Nick and Ali; despite what I know about her future husband.

Adoption Sunday

Today was Adoption Sunday at church. While Kate sang, I played "When Love Takes You In" by Steven Curtis Chapman on the keys. Katie and I are up to our eyeballs in paperwork, hopes, and dreams right now. Hopefully one day in a few years, I will be able to address the church on Adoption Sundays with my own little princess (or prince). We're still laying it at His feet.

Words of the apostle Peter

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil, or fade--kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Christ Jesus is revealed. 1 Peter 1:3-7

I've read this particular set of verses a few times in the past couple of days. Every morning, I'll read some Scripture before Kate and Aaron wake up. Every night before I go to bed, I read over the ones from that morning again. 1 Peter 1:3-7 has really stuck in my mind lately, so I've made a note to pray over those verses. His Kingdom is indeed waiting, and I can't wait to see it.

Today's that day

It sounds selfish, but I'd love some prayers today. It's been that kind of day. It's a hide the tears, dive into the Word, wish I knew the answer sort of day. I've tried to put a smile on, at least in front of my wife or son, but God sees what's behind it. I caught myself staring at the calendar today. It covers from 2007 to 2010 along the sides of it. The distance between 9/7/07 and today just kept grabbing my attention. When you put the absence in number form, it's unbelieveable how long it's been, and yet, it doesn't seem that long at all.

"Proud"

I heard this song recently, sung by Steven Curtis Chapman, and I had to learn it for Aaron. He's been through so much in seven short years, but I look at him every night right after he falls asleep, and I cannot even express how proud I am of the boy he is and the man he will grow to be one day. I haven't been able to find the guitar notes for this, so it's taken me longer. I've had to resort to listening to it a few times to pick up the chords. It's a tradition that, every night, Aaron and I (or just me) will play some songs on the guitar before bedtime. Tonight, I played "Proud." It's a truly wonderful portrait of what a father thinks of his child, and what our Heavenly Father must think of us when He sees us walking in His glory.

Proud

Verse 1
Strike three, bottom of the ninth and you were batting back the tears feeling like you let the whole world down.. down.. down..
You and me…driving home in silence I was searching thru my words trying to find the perfect ones to say out loud.
Well I don’t remember what it was I said to you but I remember what it was I wanted you to hear

Chorus
Proud...I’m just so proud,
I don’t know how to say it any better
Proud …you make me proud,
Win or lose well it really doesn’t matter,
Cuz you step up to the plate swinging for the fence
You’re gonna change the world around you, I’m convinced
Just look how you’re changing me

Bridge
We both know that sometimes you make me crazy
We both know that sometimes we let each other down
But I want you to know whatever you do
just because you are you ,
You will always be makin me proud..

Chorus
… don’t know how to say it any better
Proud …you make me proud,
Win or lose well it really doesn’t matter,
Cuz you step up to the plate and swing for the fence
You’re gonna change the world around you, I’m convinced
Just look how you’re changing me..
You’re making me proud.
You’re making me proud.
I’m so proud.

Tonight's Benefit

Money raised for a good cause is always a good thing. It's not really our money anyways, so giving it away shouldn't be as hard as some people make it out to be down here. The little girl who spoke at the beginning was named Grace. That right there completely made me lose any stoic behavior I had built up on the ride over this evening. She is currently in remission, having fought two rounds with a form of leukemia. She's not quitting. She's got her gloves on, and she's got God on her side. Sorry, cancer, I don't think you're going to take that little girl down.

There was a video after one of the speeches that was amazing, although I couldn't see half of it through eyes of tears, but what I saw was incredible. I told Kate I'd have to find out a way to have that video. Speaking of Katie, the three boxes of Kleenex tissues that were on our 6-top table somehow all collected right in front of her at the end of the evening. She used nearly every one of them too. Anyways, the video was of children, some in the middle of chemo, some that looked to be in remission, all battling or have battled cancer. Each child looked into the camera and said the same two words: "Thank you." Some extended out the comments to say "Thank you for fighting for me." "Thank you for caring." "Thank you for being there." The video was probably only a couple minutes long, but it felt like ten years. It was wonderfully made, as were each child in that piece. I left with the human emotion of sadness and grief over Gracie going Home last year, but I also left praising the One who created everything. I know that an entire eternity awaits us with Gracie. As hard as it was to sit there and know that some of the children talked about tonight, or some of the children in that video will be seeing Jesus long before we would like, time is all that separates us if we believe in His perfect salvation.

Benefit held tonight to help cure childhood cancer

We didn't go last year. It was only two months. Now that's it been 14 months, we're prepared to go again. I've been praying deeply for strength to see some of the images I know I'll see tonight. One of the men who will be speaking tonight gave his son to Jesus a month before we gave Him our Gracie. The ultimate Doctor is Jesus Christ Himself, but I would personally love to see a cure for this thing so that no other parent has to bury a child. The benefit starts at 6:30. A little girl who is currently in remission after two intense battles with leukemia is the lead speaker; at 10 years of age. These kids are incredibly brave.

This morning's lesson

Kate had to go to school early this morning for a round of meetings, and I was left home to get Aaron completely prepared alone. This isn't a problem; usually. I can call the school and have an assistant teacher manage my classroom for a few minutes in my absence. Today, however, Aaron wouldn't get out of bed. I had to eventually throw the above bedsheet off of him, open the windows, and pick him up. What'd he do? He slouched down of course. Every aspect of the weekday morning schedule was difficult without his cooperation. He didn't want to brush his teeth. He didn't want to comb down his hair. He didn't want to get dressed or eat his breakfast. I know when there is something bothering him and when he's just being a stubborn boy. He was just being a stubborn boy this morning. Finally, after a few attempts, we were on the road to school. He kept grumbling the entire way there. As we were walking in, he kept running ahead of me. The lower, intermediate, and upper schools are connected, but it makes for a large building complex. I had to wait in the lower school until it was time to release him. Once that time came, he walked down the main hallway, leaving my "I love you" in the dust. I then had to take the hike over to the upper school, arriving at the end of my first class.

The entire walk, I was talking to myself. I kept asking, "God, what was Your plan this morning? What happened?"

I arrived home before Katie and Aaron this afternoon. Once they did come home, Aaron found me and said, "I'm sorry I didn't say I loved you this morning because I really do love you, dad. I just didn't want to go to school, but I had a good day, so thanks for making me go!" He smiled, and the entire morning was then erased from my memory.

I believe God gave me a morning like this morning to show me two things. One, my wife truly is a Saint (which I already knew that). Two, no matter how difficult it is sometimes, being a parent is such a blessing.

What it means to be free

Today, I challenged my students to think about the freedoms they have in this country. I use the word "challenge," because it really is a challenge for some of them to understand that freedom isn't just about which combo meal to order from the drive-thru or which flavor to choose among the 32 flavors given. It's not just about buying a $49.99 video game or choosing to instead buy a few CD's (which were 8-tracks in my day). It's about so much more than the everyday choices we make for ourselves. Freedom was fought for on the beaches in Normandy. Freedom was fought for on the sacred ground at Gettysburg. Freedom is being fought for in the deserts of Iraq and Afghanistan. Freedom is fought for by husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, sons and daughters, and by everyday Americans like all the rest of us. On this Veterans Day, I wanted to really show my students that people fought for so many of the things in our society that people just take for granted today. The world would look completely different, and we would be completely different, if those brave men and women hadn't of answered the call to serve in our nation's military. By God's grace, millions have returned home to their families over the years. Some have just simply returned Home. Regardless of your views on war, these brave soldiers of ours have to be given our respect and appreciation. God bless our veterans, and God bless those who are currently in service to this great nation.

One man band?

Two of the four main praise team band members were sick today. Where did that leave me? I played their parts; which included guitar, keyboard, and drums. Luckily, they weren't all on the same songs. However, that probably would have been something to see! We have had a good weekend, the three of us. Yesterday, Katie and I took Aaron to a science museum. He came home from the experience wanting to perform all these experiments in our house, some of which were too dangerous for a 7-year-old to attempt.

I'm learning so much about myself and our family through this entire dossier process. I didn't know my life was so complicated until I had to put it together on paper. Please keep praying for all of this because it's a lot more stressful than I thought it would be when we first started. To Him the Glory belongs, however, so we have faith that He will guide us every step of this journey.

Top Five Reasons We Have the Drums

Much to Katie's lack of approval, I couldn't help but put a set of drums in our basement. The church has gotten a new set. Aaron loves playing them during morning prayer meetings on Sunday and practices throughout the week. Truth be told, I love playing them too. Anyways, Kate was hesitant (probably still is), but she said that as long as I teach Aaron to play them, we can have the set. Behind her, I could see Aaron clapping with excitement. I do agree with one thing she said. I need to teach Aaron how to make music on them; quickly. So, for the top five reasons we have the drums...

1. When learned, it's a beautiful instrument.
2. Aaron loves them, so does his dad.
3. They were just given to us.
4. They are relatively new.
5. For the past 2 years, they have been a part of so many of God's beautiful hymns and worship music.

I actually just got done helping put our little drummer to bed. We played around for a few minutes tonight. He absolutely loves them. It's a big set for a little kid, but he'll grow into them. For my wife's sake, there is a list of rules that come with the drums, including a curfew for them (something we both agreed on), and they are in the farthest corner of our basement. But, we do have them!

Why I Love My Teaching Environment..

I could never see this situation happening in a public school classroom, unfortunately. During each of my classes today, we talked about last night's election. The kids asked questions, voiced opinions (which I welcomed, without voicing my own). However, it's what happened in two of my classes today that made me praise God for the wisdom of some of these young people. In each of those two classes, I had a student that asked if we could pray for the leadership of this country and for President Obama as we move forward. This is the beauty of these kids. I know that there won't be any parent telephone calls coming my way. I know that minds won't be angered because of this act. It wasn't an opinionated prayer filled with the sad bickering that many Americans feel toward "the other party." These kids get it, at least most of them hopefully do. It's not about who is in the Oval Office; it's about who is on the Throne.

Let Me Talk Politics for Just a Minute..

I have voted. I was one of the millions of North Carolinians who voted early this year. I'm not going to tell you who to vote for, and I won't tell you who I voted for, but I will tell you to vote tomorrow. I also hope you pray for the candidate who will eventually walk into the Oval Office come January. One thing I have been reminding my students of for the past couple of weeks is the importance of exercising this right. There are honest Christians on both sides, and there are negative attacks on both candidates too. Voting only takes a few minutes, but it could change the next four or eight years. If you don't like "the other guy," don't go negative against him. Just vote. I would also hope that no matter the outcome tomorrow, America can unite under the next President. Either way, millions of Americans aren't going to "get their way" tomorrow, but it's not about "getting your way." It's about advancing America forward and joining together for the future. I will be praying for this election and new president, no matter which candidate comes out on top. I hope you will too.

3-2-1, Cast Off!

Yes, that title is "cheesy," but it's how my son described my doctor's appointment today. He got to watch the procedure take place. My wonderful blue cast that I was getting used to wearing was removed today. No more crutches (though I rarely used them, against doctor's and my wife's orders). No more painful itch without the ability to scratch it. I forgot how ticklish having a cast removed can be, and Aaron thought it was one of the most amazing things in the world. It's also easier now to climb up on that ladder and clear the gutters of leaves....

Four more weeks of 30's

All right, we had an incredible worship this morning (although that Mr. Tyler guy got in the way up there on stage), and then someone had to remind me of the near conclusion of my 30's. Yes, they are almost over. In four weeks (November 30th), I will welcome in a whole new 10 years of wonder, aging, and yearning for the younger years. So, to honor the near end to my 30's and the preparation of my 40's, I thought I'd take a minute to celebrate them.

Katie and I never got to experience our first two children outside of her womb. I believe He knew exactly what He was doing, although the pain was great. In the last ten years though, He gave me Aaron and Grace. To be a parent is indescribable. I can't explain the love I have for all five of my children, even if I never met three of them. Aaron continues to inspire me everyday with his curiosity. I pray that He lets Aaron grow old. He will impact His kingdom in so many ways, and it's such a humble blessing to be his father. Gracie had me wrapped around her finger even before she arrived. Her beautiful determination and strength has transformed the way I view my life now. She will always be here. Her spirit in life was so big, death cannot diminish that.

In the last ten years, God's called Gracie Home. It was the worst path I've ever had to walk down in my life, but it's made me not fear death. It's made me Homesick. It's made me question so many of my beliefs, but an entire eternity is coming. I have an entire eternity to spend with Gracie. I can't wait for that.

In the last ten years, I have taken two missionary trips. I've seen God's impact throughout the world, you know, the world that goes beyond my little ol' farm. He's doing some amazing things in the farthest of places.

In the last ten years, I would like to believe that I have made an impact on hundreds of students that have walked into my classroom. I might not directly see the results, but I hope that someone out there right now is saying, "ah, I learned that in Mr. Tyler's 10th grade U.S. History class."

In the last ten years, I've watched Katie's beauty grow everyday. She has never ceased to amaze me. The way she has treated our children, the way she has treated OTHER people's children in her Kindergarten classes, and the way she worships our King; I know He has to be planning on giving her some amazing wings! He should give her those just for putting up with me all these years.

So, my last ten years are not unlike millions of other peoples' last ten years. There's been pain, suffering, sadness, hope, laughter, happiness, but there has always been God. He's the One I really should be thanking for giving me these last ten years. He's the One who will give me the next ten (perhaps). As for the next ten years, I'm looking forward to a hopeful adoption, Aaron's continuous milestones, and several more wonderful years with my wife. We'll see...

Trick-or-Treating Explained

I don't know why I have to explain this, but maybe I should in case someone is looking at me differently now since my post on Thursday. We did take Aaron trick-or-treating last night. We took him to my aunt and uncle's house, and we walked around their neighborhood. We avoided the houses with headstones in the lawn, witches on the porch, ghosts hanging from the trees; we just walked by them. Did I look at those houses and think the occupants were evil for their decorations? No; Katie and I just decided a long time ago that we A) didn't want Aaron scared and B) didn't want him to be completely submerged in witches, goblins, ghosts, etc. Again, if this is your Halloween decoration, that is 100% all right with me.

I had an e-mail sent to me on Friday afternoon that scolded me for letting my children participate in such a pagan holiday as Halloween, and how I could be a born-again Christian and allow my children to celebrate such a horrible holiday. Thus, I felt the need for an explanation. My grandfather was a minister. He did not allow his children, including my father, to have any form of a Halloween. He was angry, at first, when my father allowed his children to trick-or-treat. When I was growing up, Halloween was dressing up and getting free candy. That was it; the extent of the evening. We didn't participate in any 18th century pagan ritual. We didn't even understand, care, or even know the history of the holiday. All we saw was free candy, and the opportunity to spend a couple hours collecting it.

My son doesn't understand the history of Halloween. He doesn't need to know really. He just sees free candy. He just sees the opportunity to have childhood fun for a couple hours. That's why we let him trick-or-treat.

I'm not going to write a name for who sent the e-mail message, and truthfully, it's all right. I understand that Halloween is a very controversial day. I just felt the need to explain myself. Perhaps I didn't have to, but it might have been needed. If having my child walk around collecting candy last night changed your views or opinions of me or my family, I'm sorry.

Trick-or-Treat

Growing up, Halloween was the one day out of the year where I could get free candy, as much as I wanted, of all different varieties. Since we lived on a farm, our nearest neighbor was a few acres away, so we always drove to my aunt's neighborhood to do our annual trick-or-treating. Every year, this petite elderly lady always gave us caramel apples. My brothers and I didn't like going to that house very much. Who wants apples anyways? The best house was my aunt's house. We'd knock on her door, and my uncle would answer with an "oh! Boys, I thought you were going to wear your costumes." We'd laugh, and then we'd go inside for the good stuff. My Aunt Dottie knew exactly what treats my brothers and I enjoyed. Not having children of her own, she treated us more like sons than nephews, and my Uncle Walt even accompanied my parents on our neighborhood trick-or-treat raid.

I can't remember a Halloween when I wasn't either Superman or a football player. I was the child who knew exactly what costume I was going to wear long before October even came around. I didn't want to be Snoopy. I didn't want to be Batman or Captain Kirk. I was Superman. I was a Pittsburgh Steeler. There was no further discussion.

Is it possible that this fascination with one particular costume is hereditary? Tomorrow night, I'll be taking, what else, Superman trick-or-treating. Since we live on a farm, we still take Aaron to the same neighborhood that I trick-or-treated in for so many childhood years. My Uncle Walt still answers the door when we arrive. He looks down at Aaron and says, "where's your costume?" and Aaron laughs at his joke. My Aunt Dottie still has the best candy in North Carolina. It's honestly like going home again. The route's gotten bigger. We take Aaron to my in-laws' house, my mom's, and my dad's, but it's not trick-or-treating unless it's done walking along the same streets I walked down as a kid; hugging my candy bag close to my heart, my red cape shining behind me like I was actually Christopher Reeve.

To add a little "really?" fact to all of this, Katie's grandmother lived in the same neighborhood for a couple years in the 70's. Katie also trick-or-treated there during those years. I don't know if we ever passed each other, but it's an interesting thought.

If you're curious, Aaron's been Superman now three times. He's been a football player once. He already said he wants to be a football player next year. I am rubbing off on him....

Blue Ridge Anniversary

Katie and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary last Thursday with a trip along the Blue Ridge Parkway on an extended weekend. Aaron stayed with his grandparents, and the two of us just hopped out of town for some J.B./Katie time, the title we were before Daddy/Mama came along (which is the best thing we'll ever do in our lives). Anyways, I knew the weather forecast for Friday was going to be wet and foggy, but Katie's response? "Let's go on Friday. I'd go if there were 10 feet of snow on the ground, as long as I'd be with you." Of course, they'd close the Parkway if that were ever the case, and truth be told, fog isn't the best weather to drive the Parkway in either, but it was a nice comment. If you don't know the geography of the Parkway, Winston-Salem is northeast of the higher ranges. So, we drove a couple hours south-southwest, made our way over to the Parkway, and then made our way up in the fog and the rain.


Foggy Friday







Saturday and Sunday were perfect along the Parkway, and we even drove up into Virginia for a little while before catching the Interstate back home. It was a nice getaway for the two of us. I don't know how anybody can be a skeptic and drive the Blue Ridge Parkway. His Creation is so evident in everything there, even if it happens to be foggy and wet. The last time we drove the Parkway, Gracie was here, and seeing the wonder on both my kids' faces was the highlight of the trip. Seeing the smile on Katie's face was the highlight of this one. If you've never had a chance, drive the Parkway. When we reached the Piedmont on Friday, we couldn't see anything. It was foggy, cold, and wet, but I felt so alive in the Lord. I thought about the line, "just because you can't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist." It was a great anniversary vacation, but it was also a humbling reminder that the God who made those beautiful mountains also numbered the hair on my head. I felt so small up there atop the mountains, but my small self means so much to God. His love is incredible!

Just Some Thoughts

As I was driving home today, some random thoughts just popped into my head. One of the main things I thought about was the whole concept of time, death, and eternity. I know I'll see my Gracie again, but I just thought about the whole, "if I live to 80, then I won't see my girl again for another 40 years." If I live longer, obviously the absence is longer. Although I know I'll spend eternity with her, man, 40 years on this planet without her is a depressing thought. It was a sad thought, but it also left me feeling hopeful to know that 40 years is nothing compared to eternity. But, it's still 40 years (possibly). I'm at 13 months, and it's too overwhelming to think of all those future years without her.

I also thought about the entire adoption process again, which has consumed me the last few days. We want a girl. Then, part of me feels guilt for being able to make that decision. Another part of me feels concerned that we want a girl because of Gracie. I'm excited, but I'm also hesitant to get my hopes rolled into what I don't know will 100% happen. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I trust God. I can't make these decisions on my own without the constant struggle of "am I making the right one?", so I trust Him to showcase His plan in my life. I'm not worried about my future, because He could come back tomorrow with no argument from me, but I'm just curious. It's like a kid wanting to tiptoe downstairs to see Santa Claus putting the presents under the tree.

I think I need a shorter commute...

This is all quite interesting

I've been pouring through requirements, getting ready for the "paper chase", researching orphanages, reading Scripture, etc. today, and I have to admit that this all is quite interesting. I wish there was a magic wand that I could wave over my family, go to China tomorrow, and bring home a baby, but this process is going to be a long one. One of the first questions I have had for the longest time was if we would be able to adopt because of Grace's death and our three miscarriages. I was so nervous until I found out the answers. However, I'm under 50, in good health, with one child in the home, and Katie and I fit the marriage requirements! ;) I'm having a lot of fun dreaming right now. I don't know if that's how it began for others who have gone through (or is going through) this process, but I'm finding myself getting excited for something that won't fully happen for a few years (praying this will happen). Katie's sharing my positive feelings, so hopefully this is in God's plan for the three of us.

I think God's spoken!

I was standing there at the AWAA seminar yesterday, when I completely felt the presence of God in that place. I looked at Katie, and I said, "I think He's said yes." We both smiled, and yesterday began our "adoption process." Dossier, here we come! We were told this process could take anywhere from 4-6 months. We were told, if approved, the waiting stage could take up to 3 years. We were told we'd have to live in China for a couple weeks. We were told, we were told, we were told, and all I heard was God saying, "listen to My plans for you." I have heard rumors of some very incredible wait periods on Chinese adoptions, and I would be interested in hearing other people's stories on their own wait times.

God, Move the Mountains

Continued prayers please for the seminar tomorrow! I just pray God moves the mountains out of the way and reveals His plan in all of this! I'm prepared for a long waiting period, a very long waiting period. I'm even prepared for a "no." However, I am praying for the positives!

Also, Aaron's prayer last night to Jesus was for Him to make the Tooth Fairy give him more money for this loose tooth than she did for the last one! :) I suppose to a little boy, that prayer is just as important as mine.

Prayers

I thought I'd just share a glimpse into a little of what we hope our future holds for us. There is a seminar in Chapel Hill this Saturday that Kate and I are attending, and we hope it will answer a few of our questions. Just keep praying for God's power in this decision. We're leaving everything to Him.

Question time with Aaron

Last night before bed-time, Aaron told me something they were talking about in Sunday School class earlier that day. They were talking about the resurrection body (in 2nd and 3rd grade language). Aaron had a load of questions last night about it. He asked if Grace could indeed see us (something he's asked a hundred times since she went Home). He asked if I'll still be his dad in Heaven, if Katie will still be his mom. He asked if it was all right to be be afraid of death; something I tried to tell him is not a scary thing when you know what lies ahead. He asked what I think Grace did the moment she died and entered into Heaven. Every question was followed by my answer, then a soft, "dad?" after my individual responses ended. He kept rattling them off to me like he couldn't wait for me to answer him. As I said, it was a "where we were" day for us. On October 12, 1995, we lost our first baby in the womb. You lose a child, you lose a child. It doesn't matter if the child is unborn, four, or 54; it's still your child. Katie's feeling better today, thank you to those who kept her in prayer. So, my emotion meter yesterday was already set on high.

Anyways, as for my answers, they went something like this...

Yes, I believe Gracie can see and hear us, however, she has so much excitement going on in Heaven right now that she is pretty busy up there too.

No one can avoid death. If I live to be 99 years old, it's still with 100% guarantee that I'm going to face death eventually. God has ordained our days, and if we know Him in trust and love, there's no need to fear death. I'd rather live for eternity up there than eternity down here on this sin smeared planet. However, my selfish prayers are that Aaron will grow old and grey.

To answer the "what do you think Gracie did as soon as she went to Heaven?" question, I said that I think she stood outside the gates of Heaven, peering inside. All of a sudden, the gates opened, and Jesus walked through them, grabbing her hand. He led her down a street of gold, a crowd of angels gathered behind them. They went to the Mansion, where he suited her with her own pair of wings and a halo, and she went to play games with the other angel children. Now, I obviously have no idea what my daughter saw and did that first day in Heaven, but I would love to think it went something like that. After about 30 minutes of our father-son chat, we prayed, and I kissed him goodnight. Katie, who was downstairs and hadn't heard our conversation, came walking upstairs and into Aaron's room. We prayed again, Katie kissed Aaron goodnight, and we left the room. I can tell when my son is stalling from having to go to bed, but this wasn't him doing that last night. He was generally interested and curious. It was a good talk.

Also, if you are praying and thinking about our possible quest for adoption, please keep praying! I think God is beginning to move! Thank you!

Katie

This is one of those "where we were" days for us, and Katie's a little down. Couple that with the beginnings of a cold, and just pray for her if you don't mind. Nothing specific, just general. Thanks.

Won't You Please, Please, Help Me, Help Me, Help Meeee...

All right, I'm not the fifth Beatle, but I did think about that song today while driving home from the school. I was a couple winding country roads away from the safe haven of my home when the front driver's side tire blew out; sending me swerving to a halt. As I pulled the car to the side of the road, I thanked God that I was all right, and I got out to change the tire. If you've ever seen a country road, you know that it's nearly impossible to get your car completely off the road, but I did my best. Twelve cars passed my way in the span of time it took to change that tire, and not a one of them stopped or slowed down to see if I was all right. In fact, one truck honked at my "inability" to stay out of the road. I am not saying my situation was more important than where they might have needed to have been at that particular moment, but I was always taught three things growing up.

1. Love God
2. Love your family
3. Love others

I know what I would have done if I had come across a car in my similar situation. Unfortunately, the art of being that good samaritan is often gone in the fast paced world we live in now. I'd like to see it make a strong comeback. That's just an observation I had today.

Middle of the Night Visitor

Our security system went off around 2:00 this morning. Naturally, Kate and I both sat up in bed and turned on the light. Aaron ran through our door a couple minutes later. The security alarm company called. Kate and Aaron sat on our bed while I walked down the stairs (which actually turned out to be scooting down the stairs on my backside due to my foot). I don't like hearing the alarm anytime but especially in the middle of the night. I went to re-set the alarm when I heard some noise coming from the backyard. The thought of someone being outside when I turned on the light didn't really scare me as much as it made me laugh to think of someone seeing a man in boxer shorts, bed head, a cast, and a couple crutches staring at them out the window. When I went to turn on the outside light, I saw two opposums. One scurried away. One stayed long enough for me to photograph. I do believe that God made all creatures wonderful in their own right, but I will have to ask Him why He made the opposum the way He did.

Twenty-two years ago...

Something that profoundly impacted much of the way I view the world now happened twenty-two years ago today. It has impacted the way I treat my wife. It has impacted the way I raise my son. It has impacted the depth of my understanding of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Twenty-two years ago today, October 6, 1986, I was 17 years old. My brother, Dan, was 19. My other brother, Sam, was 22. Ironically, it was also a Monday. It was also the day my parents sat my brothers and I down and said, "boys, we're getting a divorce. It's not your fault. We're just through." I can still picture my mother's look when my father said that last line to the three of us. Up until that point, I knew my parents were having difficulties in their marriage. I was aware that it always seemed like they found items to argue about, and both of them wanted to have the last word in one of those arguments. I later found out it was my father who wanted his freedom, but I initially blamed my mother. Those of you who know me know that I will admit to being a "mama's boy" now, but I was a "daddy's boy" when I was a kid. 'How dare my mother drive my father away' was my thought while listening to them talk about our future as a broken family. It took a scolding from my grandfather before I finally realized that I was being selfish.

Flashing forward twenty-two years to today, October 6, 2008. I know my father tried. I know my mother tried. I know how difficult it was for them to make that decision. In fact, they even had a period of reconciliation that lasted a few months before finally divorcing in the summer of 1987. I look at my brothers, and I see two people who have tried their best to make their marriages work. With God's grace, so far, my brothers and I have all had strong marriages. I can't speak for them, but I know that I learned lessons from my parents that I did not want to repeat. It has made me a better husband and father.

I don't want to leave anything left unsaid. My wife knows how I'm feeling because I tell her how I'm feeling. It's sometimes the most difficult thing to spread your true honesty about a situation, but those unsaid comments ate at my parents' marriage. It won't eat at mine. Although both of my parents have gone on to build second marriages (which appear to be strong), I know the two of them have harbored guilt over the years for "breaking" up our family. Truthfully, I would have rather lived in two houses than live in one unhappy one, but I can only imagine how painful that must have been for my mother to see her boys suffer.

I think of the greatest impacts of my parents' decision to divorce was spiritually. I became a Christian when I was 7 years old. For ten years, I gave Him a lot of praise through the good times. I seemed to lack "praising Him through the storm." When my parents separated, one of the biggest storms of my life came my way. I remember sitting on the end of my bed one day and shouting at the top of my lungs, "Lord, you are good! I know you will help us!" Through that process of watching my family life mold into something new, God was molding me. That time in my life shaped how I viewed God through the other obstacles in my life. I could let go of a grandfather I dearly loved because I knew He was in control. I could lay my daughter into His arms because I knew He was in control. I couldn't change my parents' decision. I could have been angry and bitter, but I wasn't in control of that situation.

God's in control. He's been in control. He has seen me through so many difficult trials in my life, but I have learned so much about His love and His mercy through those trials. So, I "praise him for the storms."

Sad Farewell....

All right, those who really know my sports interests know that I have two passions; the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Chicago Cubs. I've learned one thing from watching the latter; I can't really rely on them too much. I, like millions of other Cubbies out there, have learned great lessons in patience and the agony of defeat over the years. Yesterday, while watching my beloved Cubs lose to the Los Angeles Dodgers in a "sweep", all I could think of was my grandfather. He was also a Cubs fan; having never seen them win a World Series. They came close; boy did they come close in his lifetime, but they never climbed to the top of the mountain. Watching the final score flash across my television last night; 3-1, I told Katie, "I'm going to never see this team win the World Series." This was our year. Oh well, maybe next year.

To think...I'm subjecting my little boy to the same let-downs......

(We'll be back, I hope)

Old "Hob"

Yes, I've acquired that nickname. It's short for "hobble," which is what I'm doing a lot lately. I joke that God just wanted me to slow down a little bit. I actually woke up around 1:50 this morning with a horrible itch on the back of my leg; just below the top of the cast. I jumped quickly out of bed (mind you I woke from a deep sleep) only to jump right on my right foot. Naturally, I collapsed to the floor in agony. Kate sat straight up in bed, turned on the light, and panicked. "Are you ok? Are you ok? Are you ok?" I couldn't answer her. I was in too much pain at the time. Suffice it to say, I didn't have a good night. However, the sun still rose this morning, and the Earth's still spinning. I'll be all right, as long as I chain myself to the bed next time.

Ann, my cast is actually blue, and yes, the Cubs are breaking my heart.

Gods' Crayons

God is the best painter, isn't He? All of this Creation just bursts out with his Holy Name. He gave us a beautiful sunrise this morning, and "Mr. Camera" (my wife calls me) had to keepsake it.

I heard a "?"

I was atop a ladder retrieving a tennis ball that had been thrown on the roof by the powerful right hand of my son. I began to climb down, when I lost footing and stepped on the ground sideways with my right foot. I don't exactly know the spelling of the sound I heard, but it wasn't a good noise. I fell to the ground and looked at my foot. It was already beginning to swell and turn color. I sat there for a moment on the ground before deciding on my next move. I decided to try to call for Kate. After a couple really loud shouts, she opened the front door and came looking for me. Her face drained as soon as she looked at me. Aaron came outside. His eyes opened wide, and he began to ask 100 questions in 20 seconds. With Kate's help, I was able to stand up; grabbing the railings on the front porch. I called the school to find a substitute, and I did what was probably the most idiotic thing I could have done. I convinced Kate that I could drive myself to the hospital. There was no immediate need for Kate to be delayed from school or for Aaron to miss the morning or day, so I pleaded with her to just let me drive myself. Well, I did; left-footed on the pedals. Now, with a horrible, throbbing pain to keep you company, you sort of become a difficult driver on the road. Winding country roads that are full of scenery this time of year just become your worst enemies. Looking back, I should have had someone drive me.

Long morning later, I have this wonderful cast leading up to my knee now. I'll have it for 4-6 weeks. The last time I was on crutches was college, so it's a bit of an adjustment again. However, I won the "cool story" award from some of Aaron's friends yesterday afternoon, so I suppose my injury has some worth in it.

My Beautiful Bride

All right, today has been a sad day for all of us, but I thought I'd try to at least find something to smile about today in the middle of that sadness. Well, I found it. My wife and I are celebrating 15 years on October 23rd, so you think she would have adjusted to my "mannerisms" by now. When it comes to driving, I am calm behind the wheel. My wife is...well, not. When it comes to time, I am punctual. My wife is....well, not. Yet, I am completely in love with this woman who drives 70 mph because she's running 10 minutes late.

Since Aaron is staying overnight at a friend's house tonight, Kate and I decided to have a nice relaxing dinner. On our way to the restaurant, a car pulled in front of us; forcing us to brake. You would have thought my beautiful bride just turned into Godzilla. What I always enjoy is watching her when something like that occurs. Instead of the normal profane language you might hear someone say in such a situation, Kate doesn't do that. She just sits there and starts tapping her foot, no words, just a steady tap on the floorboard. All of a sudden, if I do not take action against the "offense", it becomes my "fault."

"Aren't you going to pass him? He's going slow. We're going to miss dinner."

"Honey, the restaurant won't move. We'll be fine."

"When we get to a passing zone...."

"Honey, he's going the speed limit."

"Who goes the speed limit?" (with a slight smile)

"I'm not in a hurry."

"I am. We're late."

"How are we late when we don't have reservations? We'll get there when we get there." (a phrase my parents always used when we were kids)

"Well, we'll get there faster if we pass him."

All right, so the truck eventually parted ways with us, and I wasn't forced to pass him. After we finished dinner, I handed Kate the keys. "You can drive." She looked at me. "No, that's ok, you can drive," was her response. I love my wife.

Saying Goodbye

Kate and I attended the memorial for young Chaz this afternoon. I was able to read Matthew 11:25-30 and Psalm 34:18 with a steady voice, but I broke up completely when viewing young Chaz. I had visited the hospital on only about three occasions since his birth; two months premature. Seeing him this afternoon, without the overwhelming tubes covering his body, he looked so tiny. At the request of Deanna, Kate sang "Held" by Natalie Grant; changing the opening line to "two weeks is too little..." Amazingly, and because of God's love and power, she sang the entire song. After it was over, she was a mess, but she stood up there and sang such a beautiful song about hope and what it truly means to feel "held" by our Father.

Throughout the service, I kept bringing back up all these sad images in my head of Grace's funeral. Though much a blur, I do remember Charlie and Deanna coming to pray with Kate and me. Today, I stood with those same two people and prayed for God to grant them strength. I just can't shake that tiny coffin from my mind right now.

Just keep praying for Charlie, Deanna, and their family! Thank you.

The Comments That Make It Worth the Work...

Today while grading some test papers before heading for home, Clay (one of my former students) came walking into my classroom. He's now a senior and beginning to prepare for life out of high school. As we exchanged greetings, he sat down on one of the front tables and asked for my opinion on the subject of man's free will desiring to challenge God's path for our lives. I asked him why he chose to ask for my opinion, and he told me that of all the teachers he has had in his high school years, I was the only one who he thought generally kept an invested interest in his role as a Christian. Although I know that the entire staff is made up of amazing men and women for God, I will honestly say that it was nice to hear Clay say that. I "made him want to study his belief and faith more. It's not just believing, it's knowing WHY you believe it." I don't know how the hundreds of students I've taught over the years have felt about me while in my classroom and long after they left it, but I am proud that I have at least sparked the lightbulb for young Clay. That's why I stand up there every day for seven hours and speak to brick walls more often than not. One day, hopefully, those brick walls will crack and open up to wonderful seas of curiosity.


To stray completely from the above topic, I talked with Charlie and Deanna this evening, and they are so low, but they have so much faith in Jesus Christ. Pray for them, and pray especially for their empty arms tonight. Chaz's memorial will be Saturday. I am going to (hopefully) read a couple Scripture verses. I don't know how I'm going to find the strength to attend. Seeing Grace's small casket, I couldn't bear seeing one smaller. Just pray for Charlie, Deanna, and their family during this difficult time. Thank you.

I think we're going to do it!

Kate and I are going to write a letter to Shaohannah's Hope, an organization that helps couples with adoption. It was started with God's love and the desire of Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife, Mary Beth. I think this is where God is leading us right now. We don't have any clue where to start, so if any of you have information, I would be glad to read it.

If you also feel compelled to pray over my little private "procedure" ;) on the 10th, thank you in advance. It's the least I can do as a loving husband; even if it will hurt a little.

Today was "National See You at the Pole" day, and we were all out there this morning. It's just another way to say, "God is in control of everything down here."

I also want to ask for your prayers for a good friend of mine. He was my son's basketball coach last year. His 2-week-old son went to be with Jesus early this morning. I know this pain will be very tough, but I'm comforted in knowing that he is a Christian and knows exactly where his son is right now. I also firmly believe that little Chaz and my Gracie have already met. Gracie loved little babies, and I have no doubt that she is up there right now holding Chaz so very tight.

???

I titled this "???" because I can't really think of a good title. I woke up around 2:00 this morning from a dream. I couldn't get back to sleep after that for about an hour, so I laid awake and just thought of some things. A year ago at this time, I was still numb from Gracie's Homecoming. It's kind of hitting me again (thousandth time) that there will never come a day on this side of Heaven that I will see Gracie again. Compound that with the sadness for others who have been though the same losses, and I'm just in a "ditch" today. I blubbered my way through a couple songs today at church. I have so many thoughts running through my head that I just need a place to write them down. Early on in our counseling last year, Dr. Ronn told Kate and me that there will be days when you are smiling, laughing, and altogether wonderful. Then, there will be other days when you just don't feel that way, and that will probably go on that way for the rest of your lives. Today's the latter, and tomorrow might be the former. I don't know. It's just still strange to really think about.. It's been over a year, and it's still hard to imagine the future without Grace Ann. Here's this beautiful little girl, bubbling over with excitement in a photograph. She was so alive in all of those pictures, and now, all that's gone. Yet, God is good. He has a plan, and although I may question, I know He loves me.

Thankfully, there are projects around the house that are keeping me busy right now during the weekends, but the downtime is hard.

"Oh, look at that one! Wow, look at him!"

Yesterday, I helped chaperone Aaron's second grade class on a field trip to the North Carolina Zoo in Asheboro. It meant two hours of total time in a school bus with 24 excited and loud kids, but it also meant that I was able to spend a school day with Aaron. If you've never been to the NC Zoo, and you live a reasonable distance away, I suggest going. The kids had a wonderful time. The four boys I had in my group all walked through with wide eyes; it was great to watch their expressions. They have an area there called Kid Zone. I told Kate that maybe sometime next month (during their Halloween days), the three of us will go.

This was Aaron's favorite part

Amazing Love

Listening to "Amazing Love" on the radio on my way to work this morning, I just let the words soak into my soul. Alone in my car is one place I know I won't bother anyone with my poor singing, so I take advantage of the time there. It's strange this side of "one year" than the other; just because we can now sit there and say, "we were going through this last year at this time, and Grace wasn't here with us". Before the year mark, we weren't happy with what was happening, but at least our daughter was still alive. Today was Aaron's turn to shift into a "mood." He woke up not wanting to go to school today; which is rare for him. I have the ability to take time off to act as a chaperone with his class tomorrow on a field trip, so I hope this will bring some cheer.

Anyways, while listening to the radio this morning, I just began to praise and thank God again for all the wonderful parts of life He's given to me. I began to even praise him for the storms. Those stroms have molded me just as much, if not more, than all the happy moments I've had in 39 years. Before I walk into school, it's become a routine with me every day to lay a hand on one of the outside walls and say a prayer for the students and teachers who enter the building. It's something I first started doing for just my classroom several years ago, and it's just expanded I suppose. Today, I kept thinking of Philippians 3:12 which says, "not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." I am so excited that I have been a sheep in His flock for 32 years now. I also know that there are millions who have not made that decision, including a very close loved one of mine, and it breaks my heart to see His children turn away from Him. I pray for specific areas every night. I pray for my family. I pray for Christian values which are often lacking in leadership today. But, I also lift up those people who I know will spend an eternity separated from the One True God if something doesn't happen. They are living their lives completely on their own terms, and it hurts me to see that. I can't imagine how heartbroken the Father must feel every time one of His children says, "no thanks." I don't really know what all I'm trying to convey in this writing, I just really needed to write down some loose comments that I had floating inside my head today.

Pictures are Worthy, but Memories are Priceless

Dad

Dad's home from the hospital now. He has a bruised hip, a fractured wrist, a gash on his forehead, and a couple scrapes, but he's very lucky. He fell down the entire flight. God was with him. It could have been so much worse. Thank you for praying!

My golf partner

Golf has been part of my life from as long as I can remember. I can still recall being eight years old and begging my parents for that first real "adult" set of golf clubs. Until that time, I had been using "height adjusted" clubs that came from my father's old set. Basically, it was my father sawing off the ends of his golf clubs to save on money for a hobby that he wanted to make sure I would enjoy for longer than a month. I got my first set on my 9th birthday, and I was instantly drawn to play at every opportunity. Jack Nicklaus overtook Terry Bradshaw (Steelers were my team) as my sports idol. My first job was at a golf course. My first attempt at scuba diving came at a golf course lake; diving in to rescue "free" golf balls for my own personal use. Many of my summer days growing up were spent somewhere between the 1st tee and the 18th green, so it's only natural that I would want my son to experience the same passion for the game as I have for all these years. Right now, he's more excited to roam the course on the golf cart with me instead of worrying about a little round ball going into a tiny tin cup, but he loves to go with me to play a round. He sits there quietly while I hit the ball, and he'll give me a "wow, good one, daddy" even if I happen to slice it.

Today, we went out to play 18, and he putted a few times. He nearly sank a 10-footer actually; which drew the attention of a grounds keeper on the nearby tee. He was just so happy out there today, and his smile lights me up every time. I don't know if he'll ever be as serious or passionate about golf as I am, but I am just so glad that he and I can have that time to spend together.

That's My King!

Where were you?

That was the topic of conversation as I sat with my 10th grade classes today. The original question was "where were you on September 11, 2001? For pretty much all my students, they were sitting in a 3rd grade classroom somewhere. Being a history teacher, I frequently try to engage the kids in conversations that actually make them think about the world as it was; the world as it is, and the world as it may be; although I know that the concept of time is skewed in some young minds. Saying that, we actually had a very good conversation today; all my classes did. Because of the Christian environment, we were able to pray together for the men and women of New York City, the Tri-State area, Washington D.C. and for the families of those heroes whose airplane fell in Pennsylvania. We prayed for those emergency responders who arrived on the scene shortly after the attack and their families. We prayed for the men and women who are serving in the military right now; both here and overseas; for their families who have sacrificed so much. We prayed for the leadership of this country; not by name but as a whole. I have a couple kids whose parents are currently in Iraq or Afghanistan, and we prayed for that. I think it's absolutely incredible when young Christians come together in praise of His name. I love that, and that's part of why I love working where I do.

So, where was I on September 11, 2001? As I told the kids, I was at school. I was right in the middle of teaching when Kate called my cellular phone crying. She was at home with our then 4-month-old son, Aaron. I thought one of them was hurt. I can still hear her say, "something is happening in New York City!" A few seconds later, the principal came into my room. I found something to busy the students, and I followed him into the hallway. There, a group of teachers who had also been called out of their rooms was huddled together. Our principal at the time, a wonderful man of God, said he wanted to pray. It was in his prayer that I discovered what really was happening.

Going back into the classroom, I didn't know whether to tell the students or not about what had happened. I consulted with the principal, and we agreed that we would try to notify every parent first. I eventually told the class what was happening, as some were curious about the commotion, and then it was silence. Tenth graders are aware of their surroundings. They might not show it, but they know when something giant is happening. Obviously after I told them the news, the questions began pouring out. I found myself saying "I don't know" a lot that morning.

Panicked parents began calling the school. Some parents wanted to come get their children. We received permission to release school early, and we released at 12:30 that day. Although in North Carolina, we were far removed from the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, or the field in Pennsylvania; we felt the best place our students could be was at home with their families at that time.

As soon as all the children were on their way home, the staff had a prayer meeting in our lobby. We didn't know what was happening in our nation, but we praised His name anyways. In the days, weeks, months, and years since September 11, 2001; His name is still being praised. We don't know why, but we have faith in His control. As soon as I entered our house that afternoon, I hugged and kissed Katie and Aaron. I turned on my television, and I watched sadly with the rest of America. Where were you?

"My Family" by Aaron Tyler

I found this in a drawer this afternoon. This was actually drawn at a counseling session a few months ago. He was asked to draw his family. He drew a halo over Gracie's head and an airplane above her in the sky. The airplane was "taking her to Heaven."

Silas

Yesterday was a very hard day, but somehow seeing this face puts a smile on mine. Silas has been a member of this family now for over 9 years. He was there the day Kate and I brought Aaron home from the hospital. He was there when we brought Gracie home. He was there when we came home with tear-stained faces; knowing that our daughter would soon be facing the fight of her life. Shortly after Gracie died, he began sleeping outside of her bedroom door. He was waiting for her to return. Now, a year later, he still sleeps there. I sure do hope all dogs go to Heaven...

Only God

I want to begin by saying that I know Katie, Aaron, and I have felt the impact of every prayer that has been said to Him by others who have lifted up our family. With that said, it was only God who could have done this yesterday. One of the trees on the east side of the church that shaded some of the windows from the early morning sunshine was cut down last week due to poor condition. It was cloudy yesterday morning. However, three lines into "Homesick" on my guitar during offering, the sun broke through the clouds; casting a ray of light right on my guitar and me. I had my eyes closed at the time, but I could tell what happened. That's God right there. You can't convince me that was anything at all except God. A couple minutes after I ended the song, the ray of light vanished into a cloudy sky again. Is our Savior great or what!

September 7, 2007 Entry

In knowing I won't likely come here tomorrow....

September 7, 2007

8:32 a.m.; you've now been set free. Go get your wings, baby. I love you.

Daddy

This isn't possible. It just can't already be a year.

Tired, Homesick, Confused

Today was a tiring day for me personally. I walked over to Kate's classroom during my lunch, and I just closed the door behind me. Thankfully no children were present at the time, so I was able to just talk with my wonderful bride for a few minutes. It's coming up on a year now since Gracie went Home, and I'm starting to really feel the absence intensify lately. I want to just scream, "enough already, just give her back!" However, the part of my being that knows she is free from pain, from cancer, from having to endure the horrible chemo treatments; that part of me praises God for releasing her from all that. But, it's just the absence. I hate that absence. I've talked to parents who have laid their children in Gods' arms years ago, and they've said the absence is still there for them. In the song "Homesick" by Mercy Me (which I am actually playing in church this Sunday-the first anniversary of Gracie's Homecoming), it says, "how long must I wait to be with you?" I know I'm down here for a purpose that only God can truly see, but I am so Homesick and tired right now. Then, I look at another's life, and I think to myself, "as bad as it was to lose Gracie, I could have it like this..." and it makes me praise God even more that He is a God who loves us enough to allow us to be angry and confused; as long we do not doubt His plan. I wish I could stand here almost a year out from Jesus taking Gracie and say that I understand His plan, but I don't. I don't understand why He took my daughter. I don't know why He has taken millions of other babies around the world and will do so in the future. I don't know why Moms and Dads are out there right now kissing their children good-bye on this Earth. In a perfect world, I suppose, everyone would grow old. I just know I believe in His direction for my life, as blind as I may be to it, and I pray that when He greets me in Heaven, Gracie will be right by His side waiting for me.

"He's Got the Whole World In His Hands"

If you have children, you should know this song. If you've been a child, you should know this song. My son loves this song. He finally learned this song on guitar! He's actually picking up the guitar very quickly. We sit down for about 20 minutes each night and practice. He asks me, I don't ask him. I would secretly love for Aaron to pick up favorites; such as golf, photography, guitar, or football; but I will never put pressure on him to do any of those things. He's his own person, and whatever he wants to do or be in this life is fine with me. However, I was secretly grinning from ear to ear when he looked at me one day and said, "daddy, teach me guitar."

Besides just learning the various chords, "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" is the first real song he can play from beginning to end. Last night before bed-time, he picked his guitar up and said, "listen to this." Yes, he had a couple mistakes, but he did very well in his first solo attempt. Like all young learners, he would play a chord, pause to get his fingers set right, and then play another chord, but that's the first step. For those of you wondering, no, I'm not going to make a Tyler Family Experience. I promise that nothing will come from me when it comes to Aaron and music. He's seven. He's not Mozart. He's Aaron, and that will always be enough.