Someone's Missing

Twenty-four relatives in the house right now. I've zoned in on the one that's missing. :(

Goodbye 2008!

I have been just a bit "blue" today. I don't like using the word depressed. But, in the midst of my own confusing feeling today (best way to describe it), I thought I'd share some of what my family and I have done ever since I was a kid. Every New Year's Eve, my parents, brothers, and I would write down the best thing that happened to us that year. We'd also write down the worst thing that happened. Last New Year's Eve, the worst thing that happened to me in 2007 was watching Gracie enter Heaven. However, if I really think about it, if Gracie had made her list, she might have said the best thing about 2007 was meeting Jesus. It's interesting to try and grasp.

So, for 2008, the best part of the year was watching Katie go back to teaching Kindergarten. She's an amazing teacher, and her students are blessed.

The worst part of 2008 was seeing my father-in-law be diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease and my father be diagnosed with Diabetes. To see such strong men be told such sad news, it was heartbreaking to all of us.

I have also tried my best to get my finger around being thankful. It's easy to be thankful for everything good that God has given, but it's hard sometimes to be thankful in the tough times. When the condition is not what you want, it's simple to just say, "all right, God, I want it my way now. Enough with your will, I don't like this ride. Let me off."

For example, I am thankful that Jesus gave us four years with our daughter down here. I am not thankful for the cancer, the condition, but I am thankful for Him giving us four years with our little Princess.

As I get frustrated with thinking about the future of my father-in-law and father, it's easy to get bitter. It's easy to say, "God, why this?" But, I am thankful. I am thankful that God has given me two strong men to help me show Aaron how to be a man of God. I'm thankful that Aaron's able to spend time with his grandparents.

When I get overwhelmed with thinking about 100+ sophomores walking in and out of my classroom every day, I am thankful. I'm thankful that He has put me in a position to be an impact in those young lives. I'm thankful that He has given me the ability to teach, to help them see the plans He has for them.

On this New Year's Eve "Eve", I just hope you're thankful. No matter the circumstances, the conditions, the situations, try your best to find ways to thank God for all He's done for us. If you can't find it by looking at your own family or life, then just take a look at the cross. I know you can find it there. Have a wonderful New Year's.

Christian Education Conference

Oh, I don't know if I'll be able to handle the conference this year. It's in Colorado Springs, CO. I suppose I'll have to suffer through the conference. Oh well..

(For some, this might appear that I'm complaining. For some of you who know me too well, you sense the sarcasm in my words. I love snow skiing. Going to Colorado for this conference is like surfers getting to visit Hawaii).

The conference runs from January 18th-21st. Kate and Aaron are staying home. I'm flying out on the 17th, and I'll be home on the 22nd. I'm going to try to ski while I'm there. I haven't been skiing in Colorado in years. It's probably changed a bit since the last time I was there.

The Little Caterpillar

"Looking outside of my window
I saw a little caterpillar
The caterpillar said to me
One day a butterfly
I will be."

We were looking through boxes in my mother's basement yesterday, and this poem found me. It said 1980 on the back of it. I would have been 10 or 11. Ah, to be that young again!

Merry Christmas, and a visit from Santa..

I remember once as a little boy running downstairs at 12:01 Christmas morning, seeing an empty floor beneath the tree, and thinking, "Santa skipped us!" Thankfully this year, Santa has just come to our house. Santa was a tad bit clumsy this year, however, dropping a breakable present down the chimney, upsetting Mama who gave Santa a stern warning about being careful. Remember that, Santa! Have a wonderful Christmas everyone, and God bless you all. Thank you for keeping us in prayer. I'm sure when we wake up in a few hours, the reality will set in in full, and we really can feel your prayers!



Best present ever; and I still have it too.

Twas the Night Before Christmas

Every Christmas when we were young, we would generally go to listen to my grandfather's Christmas Eve sermon, shuffle out afterwards to my grandparent's house, then eventually gather around his reading chair to listen to him say the words to "Twas the Night Before Christmas." We'd open presents from our grandparents, have dinner, then rush home to fall asleep before Santa Claus skipped our house. I really miss their house on Christmas Eve. I miss it every year. There's something about grandparents at Christmastime. Now, Kate, Aaron, and I go to my mother's house for Christmas Eve. Thankfully, time has healed the wounds of divorce enough to allow my father and step-mother to join us. It's something they have tried to do in the last few years, especially once my brothers and I had our own families. We still say "Twas the Night Before Christmas," every Christmas Eve, and although I love my father's voice reading the lines, it's my grandfather that I hear in these words.

Twas the Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of sugar plums danced in their heads.
And Mama in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap.

When out on the roof there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the shutter, and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
gave the lustre of midday to objects below,
when, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles, his coursers they came,
and he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

"Now Dasher! Now Dancer!
Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid!
On, Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch!
To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky
so up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
with the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
the prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head and was turning around,
down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes--how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
and the beard on his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
and filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight,

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Poem

I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below,
With tiny lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow.

The sight is so spectacular
please wipe away that tear
for I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
but the sound of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you
of the joy their voices bring
for it is beyond description
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart
but I'm really not so far away
we really aren't apart.

I can't tell you of the splendor
or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas
with our Savior face to face?

I'll ask him to lift your spirit
as I tell him of your love
so then pray for one another
as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your hearts be joyful
and let your spirit sing
for I am spending Christmas in Heaven
and I’m walking with the King.

I was given this poem last year at Christmastime, and it's on our refrigerator door this year too. I've since given it to three families I know whose relatives have gone Home this year. Jesus took a sister, a spouse, and a newborn son. But, what He left behind, was the Truth that we will all see our loved ones again, and we will spend an eternity with them. I keep telling myself this, probably so I can make it through some days, that my Gracie's four years on this Earth is nothing compared to an eternity in Heaven.

One Solitary Life

I can't get through the Christmas season without hearing this amazing piece. One of the youth in our church read it yesterday morning.

"He was born in an obscure village, the child of a peasant. He grew up in another village, where he worked in a carpenter shop until he was 30. Then, for three years, he was an itinerant preacher.

He never wrote a book. He never held an office. He never had a family or owned a home. He didn't go to college. He never lived in a big city. He never traveled 200 miles from the place where he was born. He did none of the things that usually accompany greatness. He had no credentials but himself.

He was only 33 when the tide of public opinion turned against him. His friends ran away. One of them denied him. He was turned over to his enemies and went through the mockery of a trial. He was nailed to a cross between two thieves. While he was dying, his executioners gambled for his garments, the only property he had on earth. When he was dead, he was laid in a borrowed grave, through the pity of a friend.

Twenty centuries have come and gone, and today he is the central figure of the human race. I am well within the mark when I say that all the armies that ever marched, all the navies that ever sailed, all the parliaments that ever sat, all the kings that ever reigned--put together--have not affected the life of man on this earth as much as that one, solitary life."

*Attributed to Rev. James Allen Francis.

The Thing About This Second Christmas

This second Christmas is not much different than the first; it's just now it's been fifteen months and not three. I had a horrible morning. Aaron stayed overnight with a friend last night. Katie went shopping this morning. I was alone with my thoughts, and that apparantly wasn't a good thing today. I went into Gracie's bedroom, locked the door, and just began talking (or debating) to God. I love God with my entire heart. I believe in his Word, his salvation for us, his creed, but I was just confused this morning (and alone in the house). I yelled up at Him, "You gave her to us, and You just took her away! You just took her away! I want her with You, God, but not right now! She should be opening presents! She should be teasing her brother! She should be here, right now! So why isn't she?" I just begged and pleaded, yelled and questioned. I never cursed. I never questioned His validity. I just needed to have that 40 minute span of time to say what I wanted to say. You know what happened? Nothing. God doesn't always answer you. It's not that He doesn't care. It's not that He's hidden or absent. Sometimes, the answers come in the silence. Sometimes, they come later. I know He still loves me. I still love him. I just wish I knew the answers. I hope to find those out one day.

My Own Christmas List

Beginning a couple months ago, Aaron began preparing a Christmas list for Santa Claus up at the North Pole. He wanted to get his in early "just in case a lot of kids want the same thing." He's completely into those V-Tech and Leapfrog games. There was some giant dinosaur that he saw at Target that he wanted. Personally, I thought the thing would scare a child. So, Santa's been busy these last couple of months trimming down Aaron's list. With Christmas less than a week away, I thought I'd present my own list. This is a list of wishes, desires, items that won't come true, and some that hopefully will sometime in the future.

-Gracie to walk through that door right now
-Kate to be a Mama again
-Aaron to continue to let his innocence completely transform me
-Parkinson's Disease to leave my father-in-law alone
-My parents to get back together (It's been over 20 years; I think that's impossible. It's just a son's wish.)
-That somewhere in China there is a little child waiting for us to bring him/her home OR there is a mother who will be forced to make the largest decision of her life, which will completely change ours
-Charlie and Deanna to have their little Chaz back in their arms again
-Steven Curtis and Mary Beth Chapman to have their little Maria back in their arms again
-My students to grow into amazing young soldiers for Christ
-Our newly elected President to have the wisdom that only God can give him, to listen to His Truth, and govern accordingly
-My nephew to serve the Lord well through missionary work in Asia this Spring
-My brother, Dan, to realize that life is moving quickly, and his kids aren't young forever (Dan, I do hope you read this)
-My father's tests to come back negative
-To walk the farm with my grandfather again and hear him preach His Gospel
-To hear my grandmother sing again
-For Mike and Gayle's granddaughter to continue to grow in strength
-For Jake to return home safely from war
-For people to look at me and say, "I want to know what he's all about. Tell me about Jesus."
-For Jesus to come back soon

Three positives and a negative

If you walk into my classroom toward the end of a class period, you will likely see this little "game" I play with my students. I have to admit, I stole the game from another teacher. But, I think it's an effective tool.

Before the students leave the room, they must tell me four things. They must tell me three positives about class that day, whether it relates to the subject content or even my teaching that day. They then must give me one negative, and again, it can be over anything that pertains to my class or its subject matter. I think constructive criticism and continuous feedback is good for a teacher. It's worked for me. I've taken it outside the classroom too. During dinner, Katie, Aaron, and I share three positives about the day and one negative. Katie and I use the quirky game as a gauge of each other's emotions that day, and Aaron just thinks it's fun to play. If you've never done it, just try it. In this world, there are a lot of positives. There are also a lot of negatives. You shouldn't have any trouble.

My three positives-

Out of all my classes today, only two students had less than a C on a pop quiz. (This is worth celebrating)

I got to eat lunch with my beautiful bride today.

While I still go to school tomorrow, there won't be any students.
(I love my kids, but I also love Christmas vacation)

My one negative-

I came home, and Gracie wasn't here.
(I'll tell you the truth, that's my negative on most days)

Random Ramblings

My wife says I ramble sometimes. I don't think I do, but if this appears like I am, I apologize in advance.

Yesterday, Aaron stayed home from school with a cough, a runny nose, and a fever. His father (me, if you aren't aware of that by now) stayed home with him. While he slept, I caught up on some of my reading. I've read this particular work cover to cover a couple times in my life, and I always find something new and wonderful in its pages. If you're wondering, or perhaps taking a guess, it was the Bible. In particular, it was the New Testament. I read it all, Matthew to Revelation. I think I needed to read it again yesterday. Jesus has so much love for His children. I am just a man, but to Him, I'm a wonder. I'm a marvel. I'm His creation. The same can be said about the beggar on the street. Circumstances in life don't make Him love us any more or any less; because He created us all in His image. I'm really struggling this holiday season with missing Gracie and wanting her to see all the beautiful Christmas lights, open all the wonderful presents, and just to be here again. But, she's got a wonderful Christmas in store for her up there. I know that because He is a loving God, who adores His children. He's a better Father than I will ever be, and she's in tremendous, perfect Hands. I keep reminding myself of that when I am lying awake at night and wiping the tears from my eyes. I keep reminding myself of that when I walk into Gracie's bedroom (which will always be her bedroom). I keep reminding myself of that when I am on my knees in desperate prayer to Jesus Christ. She's in great Hands. She's in perfect Hands. All right, was that rambling?

The Answer is No

It doesn't get easier the second Christmas as opposed to the first Christmas. It's still there. Don't ask me if it gets easier. Don't ask me if I'm better this December than the last one. I'll save you the trouble, the answer is no.

Hopefully not sounding selfish, I would like for you to just keep in prayer something that is happening over Spring vacation this year. A group of men and I are going over to Africa again. This time, we're going to restore one of the hospitals that was damaged last August in a fire. We'll also have an opportunity to share His good news to some who might not know or accept it, so we're looking forward to continuing to spread His Word. Thank you in advance...

Ten Things about Grace

Can I just name ten? No. I can name a million and still have room for more.

1. She was a good singer. She was off key to human ears, but she was right on pitch to God's. We'd listen to Veggie Tales in the car, and she'd say from the back seat, "daddy, crank it up!" She'd wiggle her body, and let "I Love My Lips," (a silly song by Larry, if you're unaware) fly out of her lips.

2. She loved to collect pennies. This is something that happened shortly after her diagnosis. We found a penny on the sidewalk one day, and she picked it up. She later put it in her penny bank. After that, she picked up any and every penny she found, and people began giving her pennies from different years. She eventually ended up with at least one penny from every birth year in our family ('68, '69, '01, '03). She thought that was funny.

3. She loved bedtime. I don't know too many kids who love bedtime, including Grace's brother. We would snuggle with her for a few minutes, Katie would hold her hand, and I would create a story or play some music. She'd drift off to sleep and to dreams that didn't involve doctor's visits or chemo.

4. She wasn't afraid of anything. I don't like snakes. She handled one at the zoo. I don't like heights. She loved the mountains. She didn't mind spiders and chased after frogs. After becoming lost in Target one time, Kate and I naturally become scared. Grace; when we were called to get her over the loud speaker, she was sitting on a register smiling at us.

5. She lost her hair, but you'd never know. Of course, physically, you could see it. However, she didn't see it at all. My father-in-law is bald. In Grace's mind, she was like Papaw.

6. She let me be her hero. Unless you have children, you have no idea how exciting and wonderful that feeling is of being a superhero again.

7. She was funny. I could laugh without having a reason for doing so, and I did that a lot with her. She loved knock-knock jokes, even though she didn't understand half of her punchlines.

8. She loved to color. My classroom at school is full of my childrens' designs. I have Aaron's baseball diamond, with me as the pitcher and him as the batter. I have his dinosaurs (which still are his favorite). I also have Grace's flowers, butterflies, rainbows, and trees. A lot of those pictures are ones she colored from the hospital. One in particular was the last one she drew. It's framed, and it's not coming down.

9. She wanted to be a "Silas doctor" when she grew up. We call it a vetrenerian. She called it a "Silas doctor." She loved animals, and they loved her. After she went Home, Silas knew she was gone. It took him a long time too to adjust to her absence.

10. She will always walk with me. She was here for four years, and to think of a possible forty years without her here is painfully sad, but I know where she is right now. I will get to spend an entire eternity with my little girl. I can get upset and grieve over the four short years I spent with her, but those four short years are nothing compared with the eternity that awaits me. The first and last few minutes of my day are the most difficult. In the morning after I awake, my mind wakes up and says, "hey, she's not here today." I recite a couple Scripture verses to myself, and that's how I get going in the morning. At night, right before my eyes close, I miss her again. My mind again tells me, "hey, she wasn't here today." I recite those same Scripture verses, and I fall asleep. That's what gets me through the night. However, even when it's difficult, I know Jesus Christ is standing there holding my hand and guiding me along the way. He is holding Grace right now, and He is telling me it will work out for His Kingdom. Some days, it's a struggle. Some days, I can close my eyes and relive her last day. But, I can also close my eyes and picture what that scene will be like; Jesus reaching for my hand, Grace hugging me around my knees. That's the picture I'm holding on to for life.

Hello 40s!

In honor of my 40th birthday yesterday:

Welcome to my body, 40s. The 30s weren't always so kind to it, so I don't have my hopes up for anything different during your visit. I hope you prove me wrong. I would like to live long enough to meet the 50s, but if you are my last decade, I know exactly where I'm headed, so I don't fear my future.

So 40s, please be gentle to me.